As I approach the end of my college career, I’ve managed to achieve a certain sense of clarity. I don’t know why, exactly. I’d like to think that it’s because I’m maturing and learning as I age. I’d like to … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Under the Bridge
An Electrical Engineering and Computer Science Major’s Epiphany
(More or less sung to the tune of Under the Bridge by the Red Hot Chili Peppers)
Sometimes I feel like I hate my lab partners.
Sometimes I feel like my only friend
Is the city I live in, the … Read More
Senate Makes New ASUC Store Management Deal
The ASUC senate stunned the campus community yesterday with the sudden announcement that they would not ask Barnes and Noble to take over management of the ASUC Store. Instead, a ten year contract has been signed with the restaurant franchise, … Read More
New Study Sheds Light On Retardation
According to the results of a recent study, 45% of Berkeley students were found to be socially retarded. In an interview, Chancellor Berdahl proudly announced “another victory for diversity.”
The majority of these students confirmed their retardation by admitting to … Read More
Berkeley Professors Denounce Wu-Tang Clan
Several Berkeley professors spoke out against members of the Wu-Tang Clan yesterday. “Wu-Tang ain’t shit. Fuck Wu-Tang. I’m da original Wu,” said math professor Hung-Hsi Wu. “Ol’ Dirty Bastard probably can’t even calculate a Fourier coefficient. Sheeeit, he’s just a … Read More
Diary of an Average Joe at Haas
Hey! That’s not the title I wrote. Damm editor! And my name is David. How could you forget my name? I gave you the best years of my life. Don’t tell me you have forgotten Paris, that cafe, and that … Read More
1998 Gulf War interview
A Heuristic Squelch Exclusive
We at the Squelch, as part of our continuous efforts to, uhh, start war, have conducted small interviews with some of the key players in this conflict.
Squelch: let’s start with you Madeleine Albright. What’s your take on the situation?… Read More
Baddest Motherfucker Alive Sighting
The Baddest Motherfucker Alive was spotted again yesterday near an intersection on Bancroft avenue. Several witnesses have confirmed that the Baddest Motherfucker Alive drove by in an Acura Integra sometime in the late afternoon. However, witnesses have given conflicting stories … Read More
The Trials of a Female Science Major
Being a female science major isn’t easy, or at least that’s what the Daily Cal keeps telling me. Actually, it is pretty tough. There are very few girls in my classes, so I have few people to discuss things like … Read More
Top Fifteen Jeopardy Questions
- I’m leaving you Alex.
- Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
- Where is the keg, bra?
- What is the frequency Kenneth?
- Where is the beef?
- Who is scruffy looking?
- Whaddup?
- What does this button do?
- What’s love got to
