- U.S.S. Nimitz
- 3M HCI
- Bong water
- Dandruff Control Sheep’s Placenta
- Heineken
- Smells like Swamp Ass
- Head and Crotches
- Just for Eunichs
- KY Jelly
- Napalm
Author Archives: The Squelch
California Tosses Out Riffraff
In a controversial vote, the California State Legislature approved the removal of both Davis and Placerville from the state. John Hornsby (D), in a statement released to the press, described the two Northern California towns as “an embarrassment.” The new … Read More
Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places
Spring Break in Rosarito beach, Mexico- you’re probably thinking of sun, cheap beer and erotic grinding with hot members of the opposite sex. And for good reason. Legend has it that Rosarito has provided these three commodities for generations. Unfortunately, … Read More
The X-Files
A liberal dose of terror
SCENE 1: Telegraph ave. – day > “Berkeley, California / April 28, 1998 / 7:42 AM” appears at the bottom of the screen. Mulder and Scully are seen walking up Telegraph Avenue, toward campus, an eerie fog parting behind them. … Read More
Astronomers Prove Expansion
Several members of the Berkeley astronomy department released compelling evidence that Freshman Denise Watkins is expanding at an ever-increasing rate. “The latest red shift data clearly shows that Denise has exceeded what we like to call the ‘Freshman 15′ threshold,” … Read More
A Final Word from the Top
Amidst a hundred candidates, waving their large placards and thrusting sheets of meaningless paper into the unwilling hands of the students of this campus, there stood a dedicated bunch. Parking themselves 30 or 40 feet in front of Sather Gate, … Read More
Lemmon Goes Sour
Actor Jack Lemmon was arrested last week for allegedly hiring a prostitute, a 64-year old man known only as “Frank”. In a statement he prepared from his cell, Lemmon said his recent separation from longtime co-star ‘ Walter Mathau left … Read More
Short Conversations
“Have you seen ‘Titanic’?”
“Every day in the shower, baby.”
“I don’t like toast.”
“What do you mean, you don’t like toast? What are you. a communist?”
“What class is your midterm in?”
“Ummm….”
“How was last night?”
“I touched … Read More
Squelchboy Interview: Jesus Christ
A rare chance to gain insight into the mind of a diety, the Lord expounds on the Easter Bunny, the Pope and gerbils
Three days after his crucifixion on April 10, 0033, Jesus H. Christ rose to heaven, making himself into an instant celebrity and the inspiration for several cult followings. It is a lesser known fact that after this untimely departure, Jesus … Read More
That Darn Gato
A beginner’s guide to award-winning gringo cats
With Cinco de Mayo rapidly approaching, elderly individuals across the nation are feverishly gearing their favorite kitties up for the big fiesta. However, every year these senseless, crackpot old-timers tend to go a little overboard with their kitty garnishings, each … Read More
