As I stood in the dateroom waiting for my blind date to show up, I began to wonder if everything would go well. It was my first invitational ever, and I was nervous. When she finally walked in the door … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
It Angry My
In an incredibly misguided effort to increase our cultural horizons, the Heuristic Squelch has signed up with the International Humor Exchange Program. The following is an article written by a Korean humorist describing his visit to the Berkeley campus. Originally … Read More
Camel’s Visit to Sproul
Author’s Note: Camel is not a person. Camel is a camel. Camel is not a cigarette company. Camel is a camel. If Camel were not a camel, he would not be called Camel. Camel Camel Camel Camel.
Camel came to … Read More
Local Man Subcontracts Cunnilingus
Last Saturday, James Starchman, 21, a member of a local fraternity, became the first man in recorded history to hire an independent contractor to perform cunnilingus. When his girlfriend demanded it of him, he contacted several local subcontractors and hired … Read More
Deconstructing Graduation
You might not know it, but graduation is the most enduring secular ritual in the history of the world. Since sooner or later we’re all going to come face to face with the traditions that have developed to mark the … Read More
Stand-up Comedy Eclogue
Male Stand-up: The other night, I was at my girlfriend’s place, and she was putting on make-up for hours – it took her forever to get ready.
Female Stand-up: Don’t you hate it when your boyfriend is drinking beer and … Read More
Top Ten Nefarious Government Projects at UC Berkeley
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Haas Pavilion
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Dwinelle Psychological Warfare Division
- KGB operatives in the Math Department
- Ninja Warrior ROTC
- Mengile’s Tang Center
- Haas School of Nefarious
Government Projects - Soylent Rib-B-Q’s
- STD research at DG
- Cutting monkey’s eyes open and watching them bleed
- Soda Hall
The American Film Institute’s Top Ten Fisting Movies
- Schindler’s Fist
- The Horse Fisterer
- Fist Fucking Nuns on Acid
- Fister Act 2
- Fisting Miss Daisy
- Nell (Director’s Cut)
- Fisting Private Ryan
- Don’t Tell Mom the Babyfister’s Dead
- Gorillas in the Fist
- Stop or My Mom Will Fist
Top Ten Things We Can Expect to See in the Star Wars Prequel
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Optimus Prime
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C3P0 killing John Connor
- The token Black guy getting killed
- A token Black guy
- A pre-pubescent Chewbacca
- The icy planet of Hoth
- Kevin Bacon!
- Midgets in alien costumes
- Waldo
- The Emperor’s new clothes
Top Ten Reasons $1.10 Chinese Food is Better than $1 Chinese Food
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Colombian MSG
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11% of your purchase goes toward the purchase of $1 Chinese Food.
- Their fortune cookies have dimes in them.
- They never get tired of your “flied lice” jokes.
- Their Kung Pao actually tastes different from sweet ‘n’ sour
