Frank was a 22 year old recent Cal graduate, and he didn’t know what he was going to do with himself. The summer after graduation had struck him like a thunderbolt, and when he regained rational thought he noticed it … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Ways to Disguise an Erection
- Penis Protection Program
- In a t-shirt that reads “This is not an erection”
- Give it a mustache and overcoat
- Cast it alongside mega-hunk Mel Gibson
- Drill a hole through the back of your backpack and hold in front of you
Top Ten New Ethnic Clubs on Campus
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Invade me, I’m French
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Frisk my anal cavity for drugs, I’m Colombian
- Devalue my currency, I’m Japanese
- Kindly remove the war hammer I’ve embedded in your spine, I’m Mongolian
- Give me your fucking land, I’m American
- Help me to clean
Top Ten Impossible Carnival Games
- Knock over three skyscrapers with a softball
- One of those games with a squirt gun and either galloping horses, or inflating balloons…
- Throw a dart and inflate the balloon
- Toss water into a dish floating on a pool of quarters
Top Ten Beatles Songs Popular in Nazi Germany
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Paperback Burner
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I Wanna Seize Your Land
- When I’m 64 Pounds
- Back in the USSR, Where We Lost Half of Our Land Forces
- Yesterday (Allied Forces Seemed So Far Away)
- Strawberry Fields Until the Allies Invade
- With a Little Help
Top Ten Hackneyed Movie Taglines
- A controversial film by Oliver Stone
- Where man is the endangered species
- Part x. Part y. All x
- By the producers of The Air Up There
- She?s the best cop in the world, he?s a dinosaur
- In the world of
Top Ten Ways to Discourage People from Walking in Late to Lecture
- Tiger pit just inside door
- Inflict a storm of sour vitriol on each individual person who comes in late rather than wait until about forty minutes into the lecture, when everone who’s going to come in late has already come
Top Ten New Rides at California Adventure
- Mini-Disneyland with mini-California Adventure
- It’s a Regulated Market After All
- Pirates of Hollywood Avenue
- Hall of Incompetent Governors from Reagen to Davis
- Sweater Vest Mountain
- Bakersfield Klansmen Jamboree
- The Disney Store
- Japanese Tourist Land
- Dotcom Six-story Drop
- Juan y Pablo’s
Top Ten Items Found in a Prison Gift Basket
- Jar of sunshine
- Ring of keys, but not those keys
- Two consecutive lifetime supplies of chocolate
- Funyuns
- Chip to wear on your shoulder when you get out
- License plate starter kit
- Cake w/ emory board
- DVD of “Dead Man Walking”
Top Ten Reasons to Pick Billy Last for Dodgeball
- Billy is 4 feet wide and half as tall
- Billy is comprised of superdense matter which causes him to have a strong gravitational pull, thus giving him an inherent dodgeball disadvantage
- Color of his skin
- You saw Billy take a