- The Making of a Lifetime Original Movie: A Lifetime Original Movie
- Some Dumb Movie For Women
- Hold On For One More Day: The Carnie Wilson Story
- So Many Tears
- Estranged Boyfriend Abortion Doctor Rape Incest
- Ex-Husband Killer Stalker Man
- My
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Wild Animals
-
Spring Break Stegosaur
-
Rabid Christmas Puppy
- Hoopla-potamus
- Safari Hamster
- Gay Bunny
- Kamikaze Calimari
- Free-Range Chicken
- Wilde-B33$t
- Buckaroo Duck
- Cowboy Bear
Top Ten Poorly Conceived Superhero Duos
- Etch-a-Sketch Man & Mr. Jitters
- Stand-Man & Can’t-Stand- Stand-Man -Man
- Love Man & Friend Girl
- Superman & Lousyman
- BAMN-Man & Bam-Bam
- Daredevil & DareJesus
- Chalkman & White Board
- Riddler & “See Answer on Page 9” Man
- Sharkman & Cap’n Chum
Top Ten Ways to Avoid Getting Flyered on Sproul
- Matrix-style slo-mo moves around flyers
- Light self on fire
- Pretend you’re blind
- Be non-Asian / non-Greek material
- Say “No thanks.”
- Walk on your hands
- Hold grenade in one hand, a bomb in other, and say “Sorry, my hands are full.”
Top Ten Alternate Names for Urinal Splashback
- Freaking Miracle (if you’re a girl)
- Urinal Cake’s Sweet Revenge
- More Successful Than Usual
- Porcelain Wrath
- Conservation of Momentum
- Handwashing Justifier
- Priest’s Blessing
- Acid Rain
- Blowback
- Sierra Mist
Top Ten Changes in Post-Taliban Kabul
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Everything no longer different now
-
Kabul-3’s new armored buildings retract underground when attacked
- New spring break destination
- Deposed President gets un-hanged
- Women still treated like idiots, but get to wear tank tops
- Bin Laden posters half-price
- Upswing in Nancy Drew
Top Ten Ways to Annoy People in an Elevator
- Explain that if your randomly-chosen floor matches the floor chosen by your potential lover in the other elevator, you were meant to be together
- Take elevator from first to second floor, you lazy, non-stair-walking ASUC fuck
- Press every button, get
Top Ten Ways to Hit on the Attractive Person Driving Behind You
- Just be yourself
- Pop trunk, unleashing shower of prophylactics and birth control pills
- Pop trunk, unleashing shower of rose petals
- Any which way but loose
- Drive defensively, but not too defensively
- Befriend the less-attractive friend driving behind them
- Release silky
Top Ten Ways to Avoid a Shark Attack
- Cover self with fun house mirrors so you look like a bigger shark
- Dress up like a girl shark and flirt (Warning: May result in shark rape)
- Play dead
- Be the lead character
- Your first day in the ocean, beat
Top Ten Alternatives to the Metric System
-
Breadboxes
-
Will it fit in my ear / will it fit in my mouth?
- Tall, Grande, & Venti
- Always rounding up
- Just hitting shit with hammer until it fits
- Inches & ounces & quarts & furlongs & leagues
- Tantric System