Planned Parenthood has announced that it will be opening a cafe adjacent to its clinic in Berkeley. Local Planned Parenthood director Abby Jacobson says she is opening the café in an effort to raise funds for the clinic, since it … Read More
Author Archives: Editor-in-Chief
ISIS Claims Responsibility for 1906 San Francisco Earthquake
The international terrorist organization the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, better known as ISIS, has claimed responsibility for the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake.
The earthquake, which killed over 3000 and essentially destroyed the city of San Francisco, was hailed … Read More
Baby becomes Hardcore Nihilist after Devastating Game of Peekaboo
Eleven-month-old Steven Schunk of Evergreen, Conn., was changed forever last Sunday by shocking events that unfolded in his own home.
“I was just sitting in my room when my dad came in to play with me,” reports Steven. The elder … Read More
Dove Launches Body Positive Campaign Against Store Mannequins
In the most recent incarnation of the Dove Real Beauty Campaign, Dove Soap has launched a series of body-positive videos calling foul against clothing mannequins that set impossible beauty standards for women.
Dove’s Chief Media Officer said in a recent … Read More
Zeus Resigns Amid Sexual Harassment Allegations
A 2,800-year-long investigation has formally implicated accomplished deity Zeus in a breach of Mount Olympus sexual harassment policies. Complaints date as far back as 773 BC and involve several men, women, immortals, deer, goats, and children.
The original list of … Read More
The Heuristic Squelch Demands Immediate Asylum for Edward Norton
A prominent figure living in exile. A thin, white, stubble-faced hero convinced of his messianic prowess reduced to hiding on a foreign continent. While this is eerily reminiscent of the horrors we fought to vanquish in Nazi Germany’s concentration camps … Read More
Squelch Guide to Socializing
As you probably figured out by now, college is a great time to socialize and make friends, but you may find doing this difficult at such a big school.
We here at the squelch prepared a handy guide … Read More
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Freshman Plans Masturbation Schedule
Soon after moving into his new dorm in Putnam Hall, college freshman Mike Osborne introduced himself to his two roommates, and let them know exactly when he planned to masturbate.
“I have English R1B from 3:00 to 4:30 on Tuesdays … Read More
Frat Bro Leaves Consent Workshop Early to Pick Up Alcohol for Tonight
Brad White, a member of a fraternity on campus, had to leave a university mandated sexual assault awareness workshop early to pick up alcohol for the party his frat was hosting later that night.
“I was having a really enlightening … Read More