“There is a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious, makes you so sick at heart, that you can’t take part; you can’t even passively take part, and you’ve got to put your bodies upon the gears … Read More
Tag Archives: Unfunny Asshole 1
Trial Transcripts from the ADD Court Stenographer
Q. Did you see someone leave Ms. Sakamura’s apartment on the night in question?
A. Yes.
Q. And were you able to identify this person?
A. Yes.
Q. How?
A. I recognized his something something corduroy something.
Q. Was there … Read More
Words From The Top
Advice for Freshmen
1. Go to your professors’ office hours, no matter how early they are. The interaction between student and old horny intellectual is a tradition dating back to Plato and Socrates. You won’t learn a damn thing, but smart people need … Read More
If Relationships Ended Like 8-Bit Videogames
You: Honey, I’m home–what are you doing with that letter?
Her: [reading from letter] THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.
You: What the fuck? I put all this time into it and all I get is a lousy note?
Her: PRODUCER – … Read More
Getting Away With It
How to Make Excuses Like the Pros!
I AM an expert excuse maker. I can squirm out of things better than the seed of a seventeen year old with a bright future and a punctured condom. Here are some tricks of the trade.
Avoid Cliches
Your excuses … Read More
What If George Lucas Wrote Shakespeare
Romeo and Juliet
Act II, Scene 2
Romeo: But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is one of the suns of Tattoine’s binary star
system. And therefore I love her.
Hamlet
Act 3, … Read More
Focus Groups Through the Ages
Europe – 25,000 B.C.
Thog: Rock good?
Ug: Ug like rock.
Thog: [writing] Get…more…rock.
Ug: UG LIKE ROCK! UG KEEP ROCK!
Thog: No. Rock just prototype.
Ug: Ug get parking validated?
Thog: No.
Jerusalem – 33 A.D.
Facilitator:… Read More
This Bar Mitzvah Has One Complete Roster of the 1996 Chicago Bulls Too Many
I’m at my little brother’s bar mitzvah, and looking around at the life-size ice-sculpture recreations of the Battle of the Pelennor Fields, I begin to get the sneaking suspicion that our mom likes him better than me. Okay sure, I … Read More
Student Unable to Comply with Parent’s Request
Sophomore William Hammersmith’s father was dismayed to learn yesterday that his son would be unable to “spend a semester flipping
burgers if you want a car,” because he is too un-Mexican.
“I’m a white male aged 18 to 35 GAA … Read More
Superhero Jury
Thanks to an extreme statistical improbability and several lucrative cross-licensing agreements,
twelve superheroes were called to serve as jurors in the murder case of State of New York vs. Lorenthal Smith.
Jury Selection
Judge: Okay, you’re now officially on the… Read More
