- Gratify yourself at the kids’ table.
- Paint eggs and hide them.
- Get a keg and hire the Spin Doctors.
- Blow all your money on Quaker prostitutes
- Say “You’re welcome.”
- Stuff Grandma.
- Think about stuff that sucks and how it could
Tag Archives: top ten
Top Ten Ways to Make the Stock Market Go Up
- Go back to the gold standard
- American Brides for pennies on the dollar!
- Viagra
- More blue chips, less buffalo chips
- World War III
- Destabilize more third-world economies
- Get Alan Greenspan laid
- Lower everything else
- Helicopter
- Elevator
Top Ten Useless Things in Berkeley
- Militant vegans
- A class entry code for any course offered in the Scandinavian Department
- The people who drive those Hondas
- Hondas with stickers on them that say ?Powered by Honda?
- A Peace and Conflict Studies Degree
- Trying to use your
Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Find Outside Your Door
- Kenneth Starr
- Your Genitals
- Da’ Tax Man
- Olestra
- A Quadriplegic Hooker
- An Atom Bomb
- Sharks With Laser Beams Attached to Their Heads
- Bill Buckner
- A Burning Bag of Poo
- Hitler
Top Ten Worst Things to Say to Your Girlfriend When She Tells You She’s Pregnant
- Monica, now is really not a good time to talk about this.
- Newman!
- Thekid won’t look like you, will he?
- I don’t pay you $20 a hour to hear you bitch about your problems!
- You can drop out of school
Top Ten Things Learned While Pledging
-
They only serve steak and ribs the first week
-
The proctologist at the ER is a lot more understanding than one might think
- If it wasn’t for date rape you’d never get laid
- You get used to the smell
- Nat
Top Fifteen Little Known Poker Variants
- Fuck your Father in the Shower and Have a Snack
- Shit in the Ocean
- Out the Dealer
- Progressive Five Card Draw, Royal Flush or Better
- One Card Stud
- Make your Inside Straight By Any Means Necessary
- The New Guy Gives
Top Ten Causes the ASUC Will Donate $1,000 to Instead of Yolanda Manuel
-
Russia
-
The Preston Taylor Penis Enlargement Fund
- 1/25 of the $25,000 Pyramid
- Jews for Muhammad
- Dinner for two at Chez Panisse
- Your mom 500 times
- Campus Crusade for the Antichrist
- Window tinting
- Space Toilet development
- NAMBLA
Top Ten Rejected De-Cal Classes
- Linguistics: Using the definite article in front of freeway names
- Entomology: Shit that bugs
- Economics: Managing a sports debt
- Religious Studies: Preaching the Bible like a maniac
- Tabloid Journalism: Writing for the Daily Cal
- Environmental Sciences: How to look like
Top Ten People Worse than David Cash
- Satan
- Strohmeyer
- Genghis Khan
- Martha Stewart
- Darryl Strawberry
- Skeletor
- David’s evil brother, Johnny
- Kenneth Starr
- The kid from the Encyclopedia Brittanica Commercials
- Johannes Kepler
