- Crying like a woman
- Your scary gay lisp
- Attempting to break up riot with rousing game of Magic: The Gathering
- Introducing yourself as “Fish”
- Pre-emptive cocksucking
- Gently turning down their advancements
- Shaving your legs
- Making cell key into knife
- Becoming
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- Whatever the mother of the Wayans kids was doing
- Semen-covered dildo
- Going to a party at Pi Kappa Phi
- Eye of newt
- Getting pregnant
- Visiting my room
- Screen-door condoms
- Rhythm method, but you’re white and have no rhythm
- Twist Ties
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- Borg Cube
- Living off the residuals Mark Hamill
- Hitler-moustache Obi-Wan
- Openly gay C3P0
- George Lucas with bags of money
- Billy Dee Williams with Malt Liquor Action
- The Force
- Identical twins of every character
- A wookie taking a crap
- Han Job
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- Whoa
- Oh my God man
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- Grover Cleveland
- Beastly Muff
- Pubic Zirconium
- Spelling Bea
- Busty Brian
- Hot Karla
- Synnamin Rollz
- World’s Best Grandma
- Steele Reserrv
- Krabb Kakes
- Karrot Pealer
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- Slinky
- Broken stencil, letters A-J
- Hairbrush whittled out of a potato
- Stretch of shag carpeting that once had 7-Up poured on it but has now dried
- Complete set of 32 ginsu knives
- Baseball cap
- Half-pound of spaghetti
- Another dude’s even
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- Dick Gum: Gum for Your Dick
- Dickorette
- The toothless gums of your sexy grandmother (fellating me)
- Bazooka Johnspn
- Juicy Fruitbasket
- Dicklets
- Doublewidth
- XXXtra
- Big Red
- Humple Yum
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- Break her apart and put your person-sized dick on trial for murder
- Require attendants to carry your oxen-sized member on a tarp
- Suck the rest of the blood from your body with your blistering red penis
- Embarass yourself in public
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- Two words: Platinum codpiece
- Learn a couple Elliot Smith songs on acoustic guitar; instantly become ball-deep in poontang
- E-vite for one
- Become an RA
- Ask your ex for all her friends’ phone numbers
- Hang out outside girl’s bathroom. Try very
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- You already kicked them in the nads
- Because you’re Jean Claude Van Damme and that’s what you do. You kick. The shins are incidental.
- The shins belong to Hitler
- You haven’t kicked anyone in the shins yet today
- Their shins
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