Smirnoff Ice
James’ Giant Peach Schnapps
Budweiser Chewables
Sex on the Sandbox
Miller High School Life
Goodnight Moonshine
Jungle Gym Juice
Caprila Sunrise
One-and-a-half Equis
Ensign Morgan
… Read More
“I have to give the alumni what kind of jobs?”
“Heads. No, tails!”
“No, Advanced Dungeons and Dragons.”
“Do I get free DC food with this job? Sweet.”
“Yes I have, but she was my cousin.”
“I don’t know, who … Read More
He used to hunt the hunted. Now he is hunted by those he used to hunt.
Sometimes decapitation is just the beginning.
He was just an ordinary Joe who spent 20 years in the Green Berets…
Vin Diesel
Just when … Read More
“Jesus Christ!”
“I sure love that Paul Reiser.”
[Anything not in Aramaic]
“I still have my foreskin.”
“My dad could beat up your dad.”
“Do you think I look fat in this Batman shirt?”
“And you shall go forth, and … Read More
Break her apart and put your person-sized dick on trial for murder
Require attendants to carry your oxen-sized member on a tarp
Suck the rest of the blood from your body with your blistering red penis
Embarass yourself in public … Read More
Two words: Platinum codpiece
Learn a couple Elliot Smith songs on acoustic guitar; instantly become ball-deep in poontang
E-vite for one
Become an RA
Ask your ex for all her friends’ phone numbers
Hang out outside girl’s bathroom. Try very … Read More
You already kicked them in the nads
Because you’re Jean Claude Van Damme and that’s what you do. You kick. The shins are incidental.
The shins belong to Hitler
You haven’t kicked anyone in the shins yet today
Their shins … Read More
Fudge
The Presidency of the United States during a time of peril when the country actually needs a president committed to protecting the freedom we cherish instead of pushing aregressive tax structure unheard of since when child labor was considered … Read More
He carries pills in his pocket, but when you ask him what they are for, he says something that sounds like “raping you,” then stammers a lot and finally ends up saying something feeble and unconvincing that rhymes with “raping … Read More
Michael J. Fox
Two cults of children, locked in eternal struggle, at the same coffee stand you were at two minutes ago
Two cults of children who murder people, locked in eternal struggle
A cult of children that murder people … Read More
