- To impress the bear’s girlfriend
- You thought it was a cougar
- You assumed the forest gave you home-court advantage
- It took your pic-inic basket
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- Eggbeater
- Feminism
- Fake drowning and a CPR class
- Fishing pole with baby food on it
- Macgyver
- Specially trained hamster
- Bernoulli’s Principle
- Turkey baster full of chili oil
- Two days, a TLC camera crew, and $1000
- Abstinence and a time machine
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- Smoking a cigarette after nothing
- Picnic in Lonely People’s Park
- Half a Luther Vandross album
- Seeing Sartre’s No Exit
- Dinner plus silent film for silent evening
- Candlelit masturbation
- You and me and the bottle minus you plus another bottle makes
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- All your leeches are dead
- Your ears are so stopped up it sounds like the doctor keeps saying “cancer”
- Tums cause you to explode
- Your throat is so sore you don’t even want to eat brains anymore
- It’s autographed
- Ebola-ridden
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- The thing where you spin around the baseball bat and then run your ass off
- “A drunk driver says what?”
- Reaching the fourth world of Super Mario 3 without using the raccoon tail
- Bribing the officer…test
- Setting the drunk driver
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- Promising Ten But Delivering Nine
- Putting a Handkerchief in a Young Madam’s Bosom
- Putting Things Where They Ought Not Be
- Being an Utter Hooligan
- Putting Spirits in Ginger Ale
- Putting Dijon Mustard on a Hot Cross Bun
- Whitewash-related Fibbing
- Tying
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- Tomorrow
- An iPod having sex with a TiVo
- Cordless telegrams
- A toilet that applauds
- The World’s Fair
- A Star Trek laserdisc
- The Moon
- Neon
- Lazer Tag
- A rectangle with rounded corners
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- “I’m seeing U.N. me getting it on, IMFing you from behind, and NAFTA we can get some breakfast. Just don’t give me USAIDs.”
- “What’s the point of going to college when you can get a B.A. in Poli Sci?”
- “All
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- “So you’re a psychologist, eh? Well, what am I thinking right now?”
- “I’m that father figure you’ve always been looking for.”
- “You can put away the bell, I’m already drooling.”
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- Lou Gehrig
- Leon Powelio
- Yo-Yo Ma-laria
- Gangrenous Khan
- Peter SARSgard
- Ray RaMono
- Dysenteri Hatcher
- Gonorrhea Perlman
- Scarlet Fever Johansson
- Margaret Cholera
… Read More
