At a stump speech in El Paso, Texas earlier this week, Republican presidential hopeful John McCain expressed the difficulty in selecting a running mate, as his tenuous grasp on his own mortal coil makes the decision all the more important. … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Future Assassins of Barack Obama Turn Out for Obama Campaign
With his momentum skyrocketing and the March 4th primaries on the horizon, deranged white males eager to have a crack at America’s first black president have thrown their support behind Barack Obama. Speaking from a hand-built log cabin, bearded group … Read More
Presidential Election Called on Account of Rain
In a move that disappointed hundreds of Major League Politics fans, the Bush administration announced this week that the 2008 election will be canceled due to the fierce downpour that gripped Washington, D.C. last Thursday.
“It’s too bad,” said President … Read More
Palestinian Militants Seize Aladdin’s Lamp
The Palestinian nationalist group Hamas recently announced that their January breach of the Egyptian border at Gaza was not for “food” and “supplies,” but instead for the lamp containing the Genie from Disney’s Aladdin. After a pitched battle with Egyptian … Read More
Oaks Saved From Themselves
In an emotional and heartfelt conclusion to the months-old controversy, the oak trees surrounding Memorial Stadium were saved from their own self-destructive patterns of behavior Saturday.
“It was a hard time for all of us,” said botanical therapist Jill … Read More
English Language Snaps, Mauls Professor
Tragedy struck 225 Wheeler today as the English language was finally pushed to the breaking point.
“It started as just a normal class,” sobbed junior Erica Lavery. “Professor Browning started by discussing the concept of suspension of disbelief with regard … Read More
Urban Outfitters to Incorporate Urban Blight
Popular fashion boutique Urban Outfitters, long known for its trendy line of street-wise clothing, shocked fashion connoisseurs and law enforcement officials alike yesterday when it revealed its intent to stock malt liquor, contraband narcotics, and firearms. “We at Urban Outfitters … Read More
Ahmadinejad Calls for Gay Immigration to Iran
Blasted for his recent assertion that “in Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country,” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attempted to clarify the nature of his comments in a press conference on Tuesday.
“It was a cry for help!” … Read More
Remaining Flower Children to Raise Price of Free Love
During an emergency meeting on Tuesday, the members of the Berkeley chapter of the Sixties Counter-Cultural Preservation Society announced a hike in the price of unrestrained sexual experimentation.
“It’s to be expected, man,” said red-eyed hippie economist Alfred Thundermoth, nodding … Read More
Cartoonist to Draw Strip About Dog
In an earth-shatteringly original move, aspiring cartoonist Jeff Kline announced today that he intends to create a new comic strip focusing on the adventures of a lovable dog named Spotsworth. “I think “Spotsworth” will be a real breakthrough,” said Kline. … Read More
