Ye’d ne’er believe how very mooch it hurts te slam yer delicate doock head inte a solid sea o’ gold coins. More’n a wee bit, Ah kin tell ye that mooch. Ah’m in an ache from spatz te noggin. Moother … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Cookie Crisp Burglary Ends In Tragedy
Would-be shoplifter Cornelius McCrookins was shot and killed yesterday in a botched attempt to steal a box of Cookie Crisp cereal.
McCrookins had grabbed the cereal and bolted for the door, apparently underestimating the reaction time of the Cookie Cop … Read More
Pan Appeals To Campus Leftists
A recent forum on condemned death row inmate Mumia Abu-Jamal was rocked by the surprise appearance by the boy who refused to grow up, Peter Pan. Pan stood up at the meeting and implored Mumia supporters to drown out the … Read More
Carefully Planned Answering Machine Message Goes Horribly Awry
Although he carefully rehearsed it for at least 45 minutes prior to leaving it, the message which UCB junior Alexander Zimmerman finally left for recently acquainted Sophomore Megan Johanssen was such a mess of malapropisms, ill-timed jokes, and sheer dumb … Read More
Yoplait Flavor Riot Rocks Grocery Store
Shoppers witnessed a dairy disaster at a local Safeway yesterday when the Yoplait section got out of control. “Several Mixed Berries ventured into the Custard zone and a riot broke out,” detective Nick Lombardi said. Among the reported injuries were … Read More
Alameda County Judges Upset BAMN Meeting
More than thirty Alameda County judicial officials stormed into a BAMN meeting last Tuesday, completely disrupting the proceedings. After being told that they would get their turn to speak, a cry arose from the crowd of judges, bailiffs, and court … Read More
Metallica Goes Full Force
Metallica showed up at Live 105 headquarters today to drop off four truck loads of the names and license plate numbers of local Bay Area commuters caught listening to their songs over the radio.
“Apparently kids today own these little … Read More
Russian Battleship #8482 Disaster Saddens Muscovites
A spokesman for Milton Bradley reported a dramatic plunge in sales of their popular game Battleship in the greater Moscow area. The sales decline, along with the arrival of the millenium edition of Don’t Break the Ice!, threatens to torpedo … Read More
Eric Roberts Zinged by Grandpa
At a recent family reunion, B-movie superstar Eric Roberts really got the business. The commotion allegedly began after the roll basket was passed around. Eric eagerly yet thoughtlessly grabbed a roll after being offered one by an unidentified relative. As … Read More
Student Inadventently Sculpts, Eats 8 Inch Penis
Soft serve afficionado and casual homophobe Dave Fulsom proved quite the fool last Wednesday at the Unit 2 DC, where the freshman took advantage of the soft serve machine to unintentionally fashion himself what by all reports appeared to be … Read More
