A prospective customer thoroughly disturbed telemarketer Lester Martin of Discover Credit Cards with his unsettling acronyms. Lester, who cordially greeted the customer, made friendly banter and eventually convinced the man to apply for a Platinum Discover card with complimentary T-shirt.… Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Moratorium Issued on Hair Professor Jokes
Citing what it referred to as “a growing trend of unchecked redundancy,” the Berkely Chamber of Commerce issued an indefinite moratorium on all jokes likening “The Hair Professor” to an actual college professor. The measure was endorsed unanimously by the … Read More
Plea of “No Sprouts” Unheeded by Mustachioed Devil-Bitch
Cafe Intermezzo customer Jerome Hill, who really doesn’t deserve this kind of abuse, ordered a sandwich & salad combo today, specifically asking for any and all sprouts to be omitted from both components of his otherwise standard order.
“No sprouts … Read More
Pillsbury Announces Release of “Ready to Eat” Cookies
Pillsbury announced the release of new “Ready to Eat” Cookies this week, the latest product in the company’s successful “Baking for Retards” product line. Unlike previous products such as “Ready to Bake” cookies, which consist or small cubes of dough … Read More
Video Games Blamed for Violent Behavior
A recent study by the McGill company has found yet more damning evidence linking video game violence with the real-life behavior of the people who play them. At the heart of this study, however, was not the often-analyzed alien bloodbaths … Read More
Parents Deal with First Year of College
Cal freshman Jamie Swintek recently returned home to discover her childhood bedroom was metamorphosed into the family entertainment room. Swintek’s mom, Mrs. Swintek, was reported as saying, “When Jamie left for college, it was really hard on the whole family. … Read More
Daily Cal Sketch Artist Hired by Police Department
Spurred by the popularity of the Daily Californian’s hand-sketched columnist portraits, the UC Police Department has hired Hirem Wollingsworth, the artist responsible for the drawings, to sketch suspects based on descriptions.
Although Wollingsworth eagerly accepted the position and has already … Read More
More Sleep: 47<br>8 O’Clock Class: 6
More Sleep started off its season strong with a brutal victory against Eight O’clock Class. This is its second victory in the Freshman Year Series and a promising sign for its future career in the pros. Eight O’clock Class started … Read More
Night Taken Back
After nearly three decades, the anti-rape and domestic violence organization known as Take Back the Night has succeeded in reclaiming the hours between sundown and sunrise.
The transfer occurred after an official delegation from the Internation Brotherhood of Rapists and … Read More
ASUC Fights Fire with Paper
ASUC senators this week passed a bill requesting that UC Berkeley students “please stop getting caught in fires,” along with formally condemning those who do. Actually dying in fires is particularly frowned upon in the hard-hitting bill, which offers more … Read More
