In a move that may have implications far beyond Shellmound Street, the Emeryville IKEA has declared itself an independent republic. Speaking from the newly established capital next to the lighting aisle, Assistant Customs Manager/President-Elect Sven Nielsen spoke at length about … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Art History Degree Put to Use
Art history degree holder Stephen “Stevie” Wilson put his degree to good use this weekend when he jury-rigged it for use as a dust pan.
“These Oreo crumbs spilled every-where and Julie’s been hassling me about being such a slob,” … Read More
Beautiful, Rich People Attend Beautiful, Rich Event
Last Saturday, Vanity Fair magazine held a fashion show featuring the latest styles for spring. Several stars flocked to the occasion, including Gwyneth Paltrow, Donatella Versace, Britney Spears, and all those other people whose names are always in bold in … Read More
U.S. Sends Troops to Arctic National Refuge
Citing the presence of Al Qaeda terror cells in the region, President Bush has ordered 200,000 US troops to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska. The troops are expected to safeguard the Canadian border, displace the provisional Aleut government, … Read More
Snowball Implicated in Anthrax Mailings
The culprit responsible for deadly post-9/11 anthrax mailings has been identified by federal authorities. Snowball the Pig was added to the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted list, and arrest warrants were issued in four states. Director of Homeland Security Napoleon announced … Read More
Opening of Club F++t Results Results in Broken Ankles, Feet
Patrons at the new Club F++t in downtown San Francisco smiled awkwardly when 34 people suffering from Talipes equinovarus, or clubfoot, requested entry into the nightclub. Those smiles quickly turned to frowns as these latecomers had to be stabilized by … Read More
Americans To Vote On New Color For Terror Alerts, M&Ms
When Americans file their tax returns in April, or purchase a package of Peanut Butter M&Ms, they will have the chance to choose between cobalt, periwinkle twill, and electric lime. In a joint effort between M&M-Mars and the Depart-ment of … Read More
Counting Problem
U.S. health officials announced that by the time most Americans have been peeing for a long time, they feel it’s too late to start counting the seconds, thus artificially lowering the standards for the Guinness Book of World Records’ “longest … Read More
Man Discovers True Love
Last Tuesday, Pleasanton, California resident Matthew Smith, though a self-professed normal and even mediocre guy, discovered true love, which sci-entists had previously claimed was impossible. “It was easy,” he claimed. “It was right next to the Loch Ness Monster and … Read More
Blood for Oil Program a Success
Red Cross officials are praising their new program to refund blood donors for transporation costs. Started six months ago, the “Blood for Oil” program lets Red Cross officials pay to fill up the gas tanks of donors who contribute every … Read More
