U.S. Sends Troops to Arctic National Refuge

Citing the presence of Al Qaeda terror cells in the region, President Bush has ordered 200,000 US troops to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska. The troops are expected to safeguard the Canadian border, displace the provisional Aleut government, and engineer a series of “security wells” and pipelines.

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer read from a prepared statement: “The CIA has collected evidence of Eskimo financial aid to Afghanistan, as well as polar bear terrorist training camps near the Bering Strait. The US must respond to these threats to her security by responding with force.” He added, “Either you’re with us, or you’re with the fundamentalist polar bear terrorists.”