Local man Ray Conners discovered that gay people are amusing after watching last night’s episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Conners, an open-minded heterosexual man, was allegedly charmed by the five main characters’ sassy dialogue and classy yet … Read More

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As the glowing oscillations continually replicated the soft curves of feminine essence in a gently perverted light show, Peterson was moved to epiphany. “When that beautiful gorge repeatedly poured out into infinity in front of me, I … Read More

The University of California, Berkeley’s vestigial health office, the Tang Center, once again distributed a pre-packaged pamphlet in lieu of actual medical assistance Monday, sources said. After hastily scheduling an appointment for a severe sore throat, patient Mart Hokmas was … Read More

Sheri Lindstrom, a middle-aged woman, drew attention to herself last Sunday by coughing repeatedly at a religious service, witnesses said. At key moments of silence during announcements, prayers, and the sermon, Lindstrom allegedly let out a series of conspicuous hacks … Read More

Video store patron John Gretchen’s hopes of renting the late-90’s hit movie Three Kings were sadly crushed last Saturday night when he arrived at his nearest rental location only to find that the film was checked out. “I just suddenly … Read More

Levi Strauss & Co., in conjunction with other denim manufacturers, has concocted a diabolical secret network with ultimate long-term goals set on world domination, investigators found Tuesday. The plot, the likes of which the world has never before seen, calls … Read More