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As the glowing oscillations continually replicated the soft curves of feminine essence in a gently perverted light show, Peterson was moved to epiphany. “When that beautiful gorge repeatedly poured out into infinity in front of me, I … Read More
Tag Archives: Mark Thomas
I’m a Liar
It’s not that I’m a liar, it’s just that I’m often tricked into lying. And nothing makes me lie more than conversing in a foreign language. Well, maybe dead whores.
Practicing verbal skills is essential in a foreign language class. … Read More
Tang Center Administers Pamphlet
The University of California, Berkeley’s vestigial health office, the Tang Center, once again distributed a pre-packaged pamphlet in lieu of actual medical assistance Monday, sources said. After hastily scheduling an appointment for a severe sore throat, patient Mart Hokmas was … Read More
Waffle Iron Defeats Mark Thomas
In an industrial-strength waffle iron, a waffle cooks in three minutes, burns in five, and humiliates in ten. The beautiful metamorphosis from batter to delicious breakfast dish relies on a delicate balance mediated by the iron cocoon. The following is … Read More
Woman Coughs for Attention
Sheri Lindstrom, a middle-aged woman, drew attention to herself last Sunday by coughing repeatedly at a religious service, witnesses said. At key moments of silence during announcements, prayers, and the sermon, Lindstrom allegedly let out a series of conspicuous hacks … Read More
Three Kings: Checked Out
Video store patron John Gretchen’s hopes of renting the late-90’s hit movie Three Kings were sadly crushed last Saturday night when he arrived at his nearest rental location only to find that the film was checked out. “I just suddenly … Read More
LeVar Burton Has No Friends
LeVar Burton is a lonely, lonely man. For years, I watched him enrich the lives and minds of young and old alike as host of Reading Rainbow. He traveled to the farthest reaches of fantasy and brought imagination along with … Read More
Scrap!
The time was 11:52. PM. Me and the fellas were heading for the Ragtime after a little soft-shoe over on Main Street when we heard it. Bass. Walking.
“Snap!” I held up my fist and my crew clicked to a … Read More
International Investigation Unearths Denim Underground
Levi Strauss & Co., in conjunction with other denim manufacturers, has concocted a diabolical secret network with ultimate long-term goals set on world domination, investigators found Tuesday. The plot, the likes of which the world has never before seen, calls … Read More
My Cell Phone is Cooler Than You
So you think you’re pretty chic with your nicely pressed shirt, cyclopto-strapped backpack and Supercut. You’ve got your friends, your style, your “popularity.” But let me let you in on a little secret, my friend: my cell phone is cooler … Read More
