The call from HQ came in about 3 AM, activating my special communicator. “The tech boys sure are weird,” I thought to myself. “It doesn’t look like a blackberry at all.” My mission was deceptively simple: PrintCo had blueprints of … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
In-N-Out’s Secret Secret Menu
Many know about In’n’Out’s “Secret Menu,” which includes popular but not officially announced delicacies such as Protein Burgers and Animal Style fries. But only a select few members of a highly selective selection committee know about In’N’Out’s Secret Secret Menu. … Read More
Cosmo-Whore’s Whor-o-Scopes
Aries (3/21-4/20)
Single? Cautious Saturn says that your landlord is likely to finally call the police on you, so now might be a good time to steal all the copper wire and flee the county.
Hooking? _ _Remember to … Read More
Pokemon: Morally Grey
For all you trainers who have conquered Pokémon: Emerald Green _and _Pokémon: Ruby Red, a brand new challenge has arrived: Pokémon: Morally Grey ! Journey to where no Pokémon trainer has ventured before: the world of underground dog fighting!… Read More
MTV Cribs For Pregnant Women
(Camera pans stylishly over the façade of a modest two-bedroom house in suburbia. Cue theme music, which is either Kanye West’s “Stronger” or Kanye West’s “Stronger (Remix).” The door opens to reveal a pregnant woman wearing a loose-fitting T-shirt … Read More
Words From the Top
A Little Bit of Legal Trouble
My last semester at Cal roughly resembles an Isaac Asimov short story in which an intrepid interstellar explorer lands on a mysterious and seemingly deserted ice planet, only to discover that the University of California at Berkeley has expelled him … Read More
Congratulations! You’ve just had sex with me.
Annnnnnd there.
Wow. I…was…amazing. Did you see me? I was like the champagne of sex-having. I got all up in there. I built a house in there. I joined the PTA in there. That is my home. Your snatch is … Read More
Words from the Top
Some of our more astute readers may have noticed that there was no January issue, while some of our more illiterate readers may have been frightened by the use of “astute” and are now crying and looking for an adult. … Read More
Coach Parker’s Halftime Pep Talk
All right you nitwits, get your asses over here and huddle up. I got some things to say. I’ve never seen such a pathetic performance. At this point I’m seriously considering just benching all of you and subbing in your … Read More
First Drafts of Famous Novels
CUjo theBIGASS DOG
By drunk Stephen King
“oh, shIT” thought this fuckin woman as she got into her car. “loook at that fucking dog. i am just goonna lie down”
she lied down in the car because she was tired… Read More
