Q: I’ve started a small Autobot militant group, but I’m having trouble getting them to attack. What should I say to motivate them?
–Heather Bergman
A: Autobots, transform!…And roll out!
Q: My family and I are proud Autobots, but my … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
New and Improved Cal Drinking Games
Although UC Berkeley is known worldwide as a leader in excellence in education, there is one area in which Cal students are distressingly mediocre. Students get drunk in the same usual way that students get drunk at any major university. … Read More
Letters to the Editors
A Squelch Misconception
Dear Editor,
The Heuristic Squelch is a hateful, misogynist, and generally extremist publication. I hate you. Please except this firebomb on behalf of Cal Students Against Hate, Misogyny, and Extremism.
Dear CSAHME,
This is absolute bullshit of the worst sort. … Read More
My Nutty Problem
As if finals weren’t bad enough, I had to get an infection in my scrotum as soon as classes ended. I first realized that there was a problem when I noticed that, every forty-five minutes or so, regardless of what … Read More
Lucrative Stalk Options
You know those shirts that say “Baseball is Life” or “Football is Life”? Well, I want one that says “Stalking is Life.” Following a random cute person around is what makes classes worth going to. The possibility of seeing my … Read More
Eyes on the Fries
Protest and Berkeley are two of those things that intrinsically go together, like peanut butter and jelly, or Ernest Hemingway and. Sentence fragments. Great gains have been won for the causes of social justice in the trenches of civil disobedience … Read More
The Ballad of the 100<sup>th</sup> Big Game
Listen, my children, and you shall hear
Of the hundredth Big Game, this time last year.
The day was historic, so listen full well
Though, of football glory, there’s little to tell:
One yard if by running and two from … Read More
A Guide to Shorthand Conversations
Recently, the amount of meaningless, worthless conversations on the Berkeley
campus has escalated to a disturbing level. Perhaps it’s just the angst of
post-modern man, maybe it’s the anxiety caused by the impending millennium,
or maybe it’s just nostalgia for … Read More
Completely Unsubstantiated Rumors
Y2K? WHY NOT?: By now, most intelligent citizens and a few people who live in New Hampshire have heard of the Y2K problem. Some may have confused this with the ESPN2 problem, and those unfortunate souls will be left in … Read More
Why Everything is So Completely Worthless
Three years at Cal. Like most of my classmates, I’ve taken part in discussions on topics ranging from affirmative action and campaign finance reform to the Vietnam war and America’s role in the post-cold war global economy. I’ve been immersed … Read More
