Every now and then I find myself thinking, “Max, what if carnies were real people? Where would they go? What would they do?” As it turns out, this summer I had the distinct displeasure of working at the Santa Cruz … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
So You’re Going to Hell
Lead a life of debauchery? Sinned against nature? Rejected the legitimacy of your one/multiple true God/gods? Use this handy reference to see just what you ought to expect.
Catholicism
What Your Hell is Like: Not as grandiose or visually … Read More
Ask Miss Methiquette
Dear Miss Methiquette,
No matter what I try, my common-law husband always takes more than his fair share of meth. He says that because he’s bigger, he requires more to get high, but according to our police records we both … Read More
Rumspringa
During the period known as “Rumspringa,” Amish youth are permitted to leave their insular communities and explore the world of the modern American teenager. Most return to be baptized, but a slim minority chooses to stay in the high-fat, high-octane … Read More
Student Groups: A Field Guide
Congratulations on missing the deadline for private school applications! Welcome to Cal!
Remember how in high school you had to put up with a lot of bullshit extracurricular activities and student groups? Remember how everyone in high school said … Read More
Words From the Top
18 Candles
There comes a time in every man’s life when he reaches a sacred right of passage, and the lessons he has learned congeal into a thick grease of responsibility and maturity. Before that, though, he turns 18 and goes to … Read More
The GRE As Written by The Internet
**Reading Comprehension
**
After reading the following passages, choose the best answer for each question.
1.
Which of the following best summarizes the main point the author is trying to make?
A)“Zippers are a menace.”
B)“Proper pubic hair maintenance is … Read More
Scenes from an Improv Drama Troupe
Improviser 1: All right, for this scene, we’re going to need a trope. Tropes, anyone?
Audience Member 1: A wedding cancelled due to a miscarriage!
Audience Member 2: A man, trapped, sees no other course but to end his life!!… Read More
Guide to Theme Bars
Past Imperfect
Desired clientele: English teachers
Undesired clientele: The passive voice
Décor: Flowery, yet subtly evocative of customers’ inner thoughts
On the TV behind the counter: _Masterpiece Theater
_
Signature cocktail: The Dylan Tonic
Stalag 17
Desired clientele: WWII … Read More
Dialectician CyberSex
EnglishIsExcellent: Good evening miss.
HotSexBabe396: hey there mister
EnglishIsExcellent: What is your age, sex, and location?
HotSexBabe396: 18 f sf
EnglishIsExcellent: Would you like to put that into a complete sentence? It would make it a lot sexier.
HotSexBabe396: not … Read More
