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Volume 34, Issue 1:
Squelch M.D.
Volume 12- Issue 6

Top Ten Reasons You’re Graduating

April 1, 2003
  1. You paid Stanford $120,000
  2. You’re Kyle Boller and it’s opposite day
  3. You need to go star in a late-60’s movie with Ann Bancroft
  4. Like Stalin, your third five-year plan was wildly successful
  5. Cause you can’t go home and you can’t stay here
  6. The University caved in and dropped all charges against you
  7. They don’t care which Nick Chen gets a diploma
  8. You paint lines on cylinders at a scientific-supply factory
  9. Stuck in the Greek Theatre when the doors close
  10. 4 units x 33 semesters = over the max!
Volume 12- Issue 6

Top Ten Reasons to Donate Your Eggs

April 1, 2003
  1. Free porn!
  2. Being an egg loaner not lucrative enough
  3. Lower your cholesterol
  4. So you can experience the joy of being a donor
  5. You’re an Olympic runner and they’re weighing you down
  6. Beats being a leg donor
  7. You’re tired of seeing those eggs get wasted every time you masturbate
  8. You’re Asian, 6 foot 3, with a 1780 SAT
  9. Not gonna married anyway. Spinster!
  10. They scratch where you can’t reach
Volume 12- Issue 6

Top Ten Reasons We Won in Iraq

April 1, 2003
  1. Silly String funny, not lethal
  2. Grandma Bush’s homemade lemonade
  3. Iraq painted fierce looking “X”s on top of all military installations, hoping to scare off U.S. planes
  4. Three words: R. Lee Ermey
  5. Human wall actually made out of easily penetrable human beings
  6. Mustard gas congealed into actual mustard
  7. Iraq only gave 109%
  8. Baghdad University full of obnoxious hippies who didn’t want to go to war
  9. Iraqi troops dream of top-grade American poontang
  10. Iraq always chose rock
Volume 12- Issue 6

Top Ten Pornographic Children’s Books

April 1, 2003
  1. Goodnight Poon
  2. Frog and Toad, Together in that Way
  3. Cocks in Socks
  4. Pippi Dongstocking
  5. Where the Wild Things are Filmed and Put on the Internet
  6. Bi-curious George
  7. Winnie the Pooh-fetishist
  8. Oh, the Carpets You’ll Mow
  9. Where Waldo’s Dick?
  10. Charlotte’s Wet
Volume 12- Issue 6

Interview With Ronnie

April 1, 2003
,

Heuristic Squelch: Well, we at the Heuristic Squelch would first like to thank you for this grand opportunity to interview you, the 40th President of the United States. We understand you have been a little under the weather lately. However, we know many Americans keep you dear in their hearts and think of you daily. I hope that this interview will bring them all a bit closer to the greatest world leader of the 1980’s.

Ronald Reagan: [dropping Raggedy Ann doll] Mush mush!!! MUSH potato!

HS: Hmmm. So, let’s get started. You once said you “learned in Washington, that that’s the only place where sound travels faster than light.” [laughs] Well, that’s a pretty witty thing to say, and we’re impressed the former President of the United States is up to date with his laws of physics. Do you still feel politicians need to be extra critical about what they say? Or is the speed of light now a little faster than when you remember? If you catch my drift.

RR: Pretty boy in my room. It’s a pretty boy in my room. Come play pretty boy. [holds out carrot]

HS: Carrot. No thanks. Yeah, I guess I do have a striking physical presence and sense of style. That’s a kind observation, Mr. Reagan. Or should I call you Mr. President, or former Mr. President Reagan? I’ve never been good about talking to prior Presidents. The etiquette seems so strange. Anyways, please do stay focused upon the task at hand and answer my questions.

RR: [licking curtains]

HS: I’m sure you’re aware, or maybe you’re not, that the world is very much in disarray right now. We have looming threats across the globe. And it’s at times like these that we look to our national leaders. You played a crucial role in stabilizing gas prices and destabilizing the countries in the Middle East in the 80’s. How can we best do that today?

RR: Sssh! Talky talky make me sweepy.

HS: I’m starting to get the feeling that you’re not exactly following the purpose of today’s interview. We’re here to honor you [pointing] by reminiscing upon past glories. Masquerading as a little boy in an old man’s body isn’t exactly going to win you points in this country. [Nancy Reagan brings tray with mashed potatoes and gravy]

RR: Baafftime! Ya-ya-ya. [dumps gravy on own head]

HS: That’s pretty ridiculous. You’ve dumped the tray of food your poor wife prepared all over yourself. You’re drenched with gravy. How could I possibly proceed with this interview? Do you honestly expect me to dump gravy on my head? That is preposterous. I come from a breed of professional journalists. That is not our style, Mr. Reagan.

RR: Making new friends! [smiles, hugs Nancy, smears gravy off head on to her blouse]

HS: Well, you haven’t made any friends on this side of the table. I’m sorry to say this, but how my parents could have voted for you is beyond me. It’s no wonder you sent this nation to the brink of nuclear war and economic disaster. No offense Mrs. Reagan, but my patience has been tested thoroughly.

Nancy Reagan: He’s my sweetie. We’ll make it true the hard times. Always have. Daddy got an old boo-boo on the noggin. Stem cells are going to make it all better. Fix ol’ Ronnie up with a band-aid. That’s my boy. All mashed potatoes inside and out.

HS: Oooohhh … So he has some sort of medical condition that’s degraded his intellect and memory, confined him to his bed, and made him dependent upon others for nourishment and simple bodily hygiene. I should have guessed earlier by the firefighter PJs, blended bottles of food, and foam walls that something was wrong. Well, thanks for inviting us into your home. And Ronnie, thanks for your time. God knows it’s limited.