It is apparent that our society is becoming increasingly sexualized. From Lindsay Lohan’s big-ass titties to Donald Rumsfeld’s vagina tightening, male and female sexuality are being pushed to the limits through the wonders of cosmetic surgery. The pressure to look just fabulous extends beyond humans to the oft-overlooked animal kingdom. One man capitalizing on the growing market of “animal augmentation” is Dr. Rodrigo “Pelligro Abejas” Alexander. Through his services, any creature can obtain a sexily symmetrical face, a boner-popping body, or at the very least a panty-dropping positive self-image. But is it worth it? Hoping to highlight the benefits of such surgery, Dr. Alexander explains some of his successes.

Princess, Golden Retriever
Liposuction

When this dog came to me, its tears were not of little doggy joy but of sadness, and grief, and also much more sadness. On TV, seeing much smaller dogs as celebrity arm candy left this pooch feeling doggy jealousy with a large dose of DIC (doggy inferiority complex). I sat down, looked deep into her eyes, and whispered into her eye: “Just because teacup chihuahuas have a different body type than you doesn’t justify
exclusion from shamelessly being lugged from red-carpet affairs to penthouse coke orgies.” After I sucked out more than 30 pounds of fat and unnecessary “blood weight,” this dog looked really super-duper. My work was a smashing success; just last week the cover of National Enquirer showed Paris Hilton unconscious in a puddle of her own vomit as Princess photogenically lapped up the remains.

Moesha, Tiger
Fur Bleaching

Like many Panthera tigris, Moesha felt her dark fur limited her social and professional upward mobility. While the more eye-pleasing white tigers lavishly consumed the finest wines and freshest lobsters at the Mirage in Las Vegas, Moesha was stuck in the hot, humid, and poverty-stricken jungles of the Tropicana. She was sick of having racial slurs like “Tigger” and “Stripe Back” hurled at her on a daily basis. I suavely explained, while massaging her ugly orange back, that white fur would unlock the door to life’s treasures. After six months of painful fur bleaching she emerged whiter than my dead mother’s pubes GAA God rest her pubes. Moesha can now be seen running alongside Lance Burton at the Monte Carlo.

Muffin, Siamese Cat
Breast Augmentation

It was painfully clear why this sleepy Asian cat was in my office that cold January morning GAA it needed bigger tits. Its mini kitty-titties were flatter than my dead mother’s EKG. So I gave it what it desperately needed, some DD tigolbitties. This cat is now getting fucked constantly, and not only by me! But also by my brother (but don’t pass judgment; Alfonzo is a total slut). Regardless, Muffin’s success has made this surgery very popular among our feline friends. Sizes range from small to “Oh my god that cat’s tits are so big she can’t even walk” (very popular).

Ludwig von Strudellwasser, Mule
Testicular Implants

I am very proud of this surgery; it is my proverbial punch to God’s throat. Nature may have been too weak to provide the majestic mule with testicles, but I was able to thrust them in Ludwig’s scrotum with an iron fist. Now when Ludwig plows a field, he does so with a raging pink boner. As he moves, his cantaloupe-sized nuts drag in the mud.