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Volume 34, Issue 1:
Squelch M.D.
Volume 20- Issue 1

Reallife

Realdoll

September 1, 2010
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The makers of Realdoll™ are pleased to announce the release of their long-awaited, one-sided-relationship-enhancing Reallife™ expansion series.  Finally, a way for you and your significant plaything to experience all the joys of a committed relationship with the same authentic feel and unparalleled anatomical accuracy our customers have sworn to come by.  Order in the next fourteen days and receive a year’s free subscription to our catalog plus 30% off groping and handling on your next purchase.

Realbaby

Feel like your relationship has reached a stalemate?  Tired of the same old dinner-and-a-movie, sex, rinse-thoroughly-with-a mild-detergent and repeat? Rekindle your romance with the tender delights and physically irreversible wonders of parenthood! Made with the same high quality silicone and genuine human hair as the original, each Realbaby is custom-made from one of eighteen heads and twelve haircolors to best match you and your rubber girlfriend’s genetic code. But that’s not all! Every Realbaby comes complete with:

Three Detachable Trimester Tummies For an authentic maternal appearance and months of weepy tension and insecurity.
Lactation Inserts Complete with milk duct installation kit and six starter packets of whipped cream.

Satisfy her irrational midnight cravings with this Eight Inch Pickle .
Tattered Replacement Vagina For realistic after-birth encounters. Afterbirth sold separately.

 

Realadultery

Has the onset of complacency left your love life lacking its jouissance?  Nothing puts the thrill back in a relationship like the tight-lipped suspicion of infidelity!  And while your doll can’t actually close her mouth, her usual protracted silences are sure to crackle with newfound resentment and hostility.  Order now and receive:   

Realadultressdoll Just like your original.  Except this model weighs twenty pounds less. 
Realfake Gym Membership Adds credibility to the lies about why you come home smelling like sweat and WD-40 every evening.
Your Incriminating Credit Card Bill Doubles as your actual bill for this product. Guaranteed to alienate not only your Realdoll but also your entire extended family!
Silica Butcher Knife For the climactic moment when your tangled web of lies is finally unraveled.  Handle unscrews to become dildo for use during inevitable make-up sex.

Realcounseling

Have intimacy issues that will take more than an extra dollop of Astroglide to fix? Our Realcounseling couples therapy sessions will give you the chance to work through any problem you can and do imagine. From her irresponsible spending to your increasingly violent reactions to synthetic polymers, our team of experts will manufacture the answers. Includes:

Real Counselor Sign up with one of our dubiously credentialed relationship specialists, now established in over 30 metropolitan areas. Our counselors aren’t just Real, they’re actually real!
Emotional Role-Playing Finger Puppets Use inanimate objects to act out situations you’re too self-conscious to act out with your Real inanimate object.
Blame and Forgiveness Faces Pack While her highly-articulated stainless steel joints already allow for a fair share of finger-pointing, these interchangeable expressions will add a whole new dimension to the synthetic healing process.
Tears Comes complete with funnel to refill bottle with tears of your own.

Volume 20- Issue 1

Top Ten Signs You Might Have Pledged a Vampire Fraternity

September 1, 2010
  1. Guys seemed nervous when you suggested “Steak Night.”
  2. Big theme party is always “Immortal Bros and Neck-Bitten Hoes.”
  3. Hell Week actually takes place in Hell.
  4. The house has a firm rule about never letting Wesley Snipes inside.
  5. Guys in coffins are sleeping, not masturbating.
  6. Pledge scavenger hunt just involves robbing Bay Area blood banks.
  7. You’re the only house that never shows up to a party uninvited.
  8. All the brothers work out, but none have mirrors in their rooms.
  9. Brothers avoid daylight whether or not last night was a kegger.
  10. Bloody Marys are served suspiciously warm.
Volume 20- Issue 1

UC Regent Cries Himself to Sleep at Night

September 1, 2010
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In a press conference this Thursday, UC Regent Robert Sullivan admitted to a rash of teary nights atop his satin sheets inside his retro spaceship house. The unprecedented raises in tuition have taken a heavy toll, the Regent said.

“It was wrong to take so much money from the little people,” Sullivan said. “I’ve tried to distract my sorrow by expanding my collection of gold bars covered in diamonds, but it’s just not working.”

Sullivan, along with the rest of the Board of Regents, was recently discovered to have an unconscionably high salary. Sullivan was reportedly taking home $787,637 plus benefits, as well as a secret salary worth twice his regular salary. He also received 20 vacation weeks a year for “super-yacht maintenance.”

“I needed those vacation days to escape my deep regret,” he said. “There is no better way to get rid of grief than a three-month vacation on your own private island. I highly recommend it.”

Sullivan began to feel remorse after imagining how the tuition raises would affect him if he were still a student. He speculated that he would no longer be able to maintain the upkeep for the wildlife exhibit he houses in the backyard of his Berkeley Hills mansion, his fleet of vintage B-52 bombers, or other small luxuries. Sullivan supposed his family might feel the pain as well.

“I would have to sell one of my football teams!” said Petunia Sullivan, one of Sullivan’s wives.

No matter how decadent students consider his actions, Sullivan asked that they take pity on him.

“I truly am sorry,” Sullivan said, as he blew his nose into a crisp thousand-dollar bill.

Volume 20- Issue 1

Minutes of the Drunk Illuminati

September 1, 2010
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Present: Alexander the Great, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, Ulysses S. Grant, John Wayne, Dean Martin, Senator Joseph McCarthy, Jackson Pollock, Jimi Hendrix, Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, Jim Morrison, Jack Kerouac, Elvis Presley.

8:02 Opening beers distributed. Alexander the Great calls the meeting to order and reads the Association Overview: “Millennia ago, I became history’s first real and true alcoholic. Unbeknownst to me at the time I had stumbled onto nature’s great secret: that through heavy drinking one can cheat death and live a life of eternal Bacchanalianism.  As the greatest lushes and drunkards of history we have taken, with the gift of eternal life, the responsibility of ruling the world from the shadows. We have all faked our own deaths and subtly poisoned the less worthy drunks of the world in order to keep our secret, so that we, the great minds of history, can keep the Drunk Illuminati in its rightful position of power and the world in perfect order.”

After-opening beers distributed. Floor opened to motions.

Topic opened by Churchill: “How much longer should we allow this current economic turmoil to continue before allowing the resurgence of the world economy?”

After discussion it is decided unanimously to keep the economy faltering until the common man has sufficiently grasped the error of the current, destructive capitalist system. Celebratory beers distributed.

Topic opened by Grant: “When shall we begin the third World War?”

After open discussion it’s decided 8 to 6 to delay the next world war until 2150 when Bulgaria has amassed enough power to fill the vacuum left by the imminent destruction of the current superpowers. Celebratory beers distributed.

Motioned by Kerouac: “I think it’s time that we lowered the American drinking age, man. It’s unfair that they can get sent to war but they can’t, like, have a drink.”

Objection by Poe: “Who cares? Most of us are hundreds of years old!”

Motion fails 13 to 1. Celebratory beers distributed. Round of shots distributed to celebrate successful round of beers.

Motioned by Hendrix: “We should have another round right now!”

Motion passes unanimously. Celebratory shots distributed.

Motioned by Senator McCarthy: “We need to do something about these Goddamn Communists!”

Objection by Stalin: “Dude, just shut the fuck up.”

Motion retracted. Celebratory beer bong busted out.

Motioned by Hemingway: “I bet you guys I could jump like fucking ten of these chairs.”

Objection by Wayne: “Fuck you, no way.”

Further testing decided on. Results: He couldn’t, possible fracture. Vote of 13 with 1 abstention decided to deal with that later. Empathy beer bong passed.

Motioned by Morrison: “DUDE, did you guys know that the Double Stuf Oreos have the same amount of cream as regular ones?”

Objection by Presley: “NOOOOOO FUCK YOU”

Blows exchanged. Fight broken up by Wayne. Bro-hugs and “I’m sorry bro, I fucking love you”s exchanged. Conflict resolution Jager Bombs distributed.

8:35 Meeting brought to a close. Martin, Hendrix, Morrison, and Presley share an off-key harmony of “We Are the Champions.” Churchill holds back Stalin’s hair as he vomits. Writers compare dick sizes to determine literary merit. Remaining members have found their place to crash.

Volume 20- Issue 1

Soylent Co. Denies Outrageous Claims

September 1, 2010
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In response to recent allegations concerning the sources of an already-dwindling food supply, the Soylent Corporation has released a statement refuting “the heinous claims besmirching our fine and delicious product.”

At the center of the controversy is Soylent Green, the latest addition to the Soylent Co. food-like product family, with an ingredient list that includes a high-energy aquatic plankton, Green No. 3 coloring, and absolutely nothing else.

“Soylent Green is not, nor has it ever been, anything but the most nutritious plankton in the oceans, which I assure you were unaffected by the terrible environmental disaster that has ravaged every other inch of this doomed planet,” said Soylent spokesperson Robert Packston.  “Oh, and pay no attention to those mysterious trucks leaving our suicide farms.  They are completely unrelated.”

These remarks were made in direct response to the charges leveled by Detective Ty Thorn of the New York City Police Department, whose violent outburst Tuesday has corresponded to a noticeable increase in wafer-related rioting, which has in turn corresponded to a noticeable increase in actions taken by the garbage truck riot police.

NYPD Police Chief Brian Hatcher, however, has yet to investigate the validity of Thorn’s claims.

“The character of these ravings is far too hysterical to be taken seriously,” Hatcher stated.  “He just did not give a convincing enough performance.”

Volume 20- Issue 1

Sex Club Letter

September 1, 2010
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Hi Chris,

We’re not about exclusion here at the Adult Explorations club. We try to foster a diverse environment in which Bears of all stripes can act on their desires in a safe, controlled way. And of course, we appreciate the spirit you bring to our gatherings. Four out of five of our female members have called you “smoking”. But, frankly, your recent attitude has been abysmal. It’s like you think there’s something silly about an ASUC-sponsored sex club.

For example, you seem frustrated with our pre-meeting socials. Believe me, we’ve heard your chants of “let’s just have an orgy already!” We understand your eagerness, but we need those get-togethers to provide new members with some orientation and help everyone else loosen up. Turning on all the vibrators during our president’s weekly speech was cute – once – but giving impromptu lap dances in the middle of icebreaker games is just rude. And last Wednesday, you had your fly unzipped before it was even 7:10 yet. People were still walking in! Haven’t you ever heard of Berkeley time?

Now, for a more serious matter: you haven’t attended a single strategy session, diversity seminar, or hot-wax orientation. Stop pretending you’re “having problems” with our listserv. It seems to work just fine when the email’s about a new glory hole in Barrows. You’ve never tabled on Sproul, you’ve never wiped down the rubber phalluses, you’ve never even done one shift of unlocking handcuffs. We understand that many of our members have active academic and personal lives, but as an all-volunteer organization, we all have to make a few adjustments to keep this ship afloat. Many of our other members would show a little more gratitude to have been appointed, as early as you were, to an observer position on the Spirit Committee. If you’d just shown a little can-do-it-iveness you’d be on the Social Subcommittee for Foam-Based Spermicides by now. Consider giving some thought to your future in this organization.

We are also disappointed that you continually check “Maybe Attending” on our Facebook events. We understand that “maybe attending” can be a suitable response to beer with your buddies. But do you want us to “maybe” roll out enough tarpaulin to give you a full range of motion? Do you want us to “maybe” rent enough butterfly swings to allot every member at least half an hour of vigorous play? Do you want us to “maybe” print you a copy of our newsletter, so you can “maybe” hear the results of our latest fundraising workshop? Maybe in your own life it is acceptable to “maybe” honor your commitments, but for your friends at Adult Explorations it is a requirement.

And now we come to the biggest problem: your inability to take direction. When I tell you your time is up with Clara, your time is up with Clara. When I tell you to stop eating the chocolate fondue, you stop eating the chocolate fondue. And for God’s sake, when I tell you to stop talking, you stop talking. Nobody wants to hear about how “everything’s sweaty in here.” We’re trying to build a mood, a mood the Lighting Committee spent three weekends at Crate and Barrel perfecting. We’re trying to have a relaxed fucking time between some consenting fucking adults! So fucking control yourself.

Best regards,

Kathy Adams, Legal Studies ‘12

Vice President

Adult Explorations

Volume 20- Issue 1

An Essay

written by someone who has had too many energy drinks

September 1, 2010
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Max Ebert

9/7/10

History 124B

The history of the Cold War is rich in mystery and complexity. Who started the war? How close were the Russians and Americans to destroying each other? How did the war play out in the political landscapes of Third World countries? These are all challenging questions that one might ponder while chugging a Red Bull at 3 A.M. the morning before a paper demanding the answers to such questions is due. But can a simple answer really be found? Based on the thousands of pages of assigned reading which I failed to complete this semester, I would argue that I’m going to need three more Red Bulls to know if it’s even possible to know that. Thesis: I am so tired. I am so goddamn tired.

Ho.ly.Shit.I.just.finished.allthreeofthose. Is it even possible to drink that many? Oh my God it is because I just did. Okay. Okay. The Cold War: communism versus capitalism. Truman versus that one guy. The CIA versus the Middle Passage and the burgeoning American slave trade. Wait, shit shit shit. That’s my other class. Wow, am I shaking?

Yep, I’m totally shaking. Did you know that 5-Hour Energy is 8333% of your daily Vitamin B12? Furthermore, did you know that two 5-Hour Energies is 16666% of your daily Vitamin B12? That can’t be right. Oh fuck, it is. How much is too much? How much time did it take the Soviet Union to develop a fully functioning system of satellite states? How much energy could an energy drink drink if an energy could drink help me Jesus. Calm down. There’s only one solution: Switch. to. Rockstar.

While historians such as Melvyn P. Leffler have posited that no history of the Cold War can ever be written without nationalist bias, I just googled pictures of babies who got hit with bombs. What a downer. They’re bleeding, like, everywhere. Esteemed U.S. president Dwight D. Eisenhower I think once stated, “Only a Communist bleeds red blood.”1 Indeed, Communists are losers, especially when they’re babies.2 Wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE! Red blood. Red Bull. RED bull. RED BULL!!! They’re everywhere. The Communists are back and they’re giving us wiiings!3 My heart. Oh God. My heart.

Keep it together, man. Focus. Hey, How I Met Your Mother is on!4 I don’t have time to watch How I Met Your Mother. I bet I can work on this essay while I watch How I Met Your Mother. In his book The Cold War: An Oral History, John Gaddis records the following conversation with his father, an aging veteran of the Cold War:

_Back in the war, you never knew how things were gonna turn out. You never knew if the nuclear holocaust was just     around the corner, or who your mother was. Sometimes I thought I was minutes away from death. Sometimes I thought  Ted was finally going to reveal that Robin was the mother of his children. And when are Lily and Marshall going to have a baby? I nearly lost my leg in Korea, and they can’t give Barney a bigger role in the show? Shit, I need to turn off the TV and finish this essay._5

  

So what do I know about the Cold War, you may ask? The real question is what do you know about the Cold War, Professor McSmartyPants. Seriously, I didn’t go to class, and if you could tell me it would really help me out.

In conclusion, this paper is due in fifteen minutes.

  
1.     See… course reader?
2.     See babies. Babies suck.  
3.     Like in Red Dawn.
4.     on Hulu after I searched for it. 
5.     Starting on 9/8/10, this essay may be found at howimetyourmotherfanfic.net.

Volume 20- Issue 1

Top Ten Books About Pregnancy Gone Horribly Awry

September 1, 2010
  1. Twilight: Breaking Dawn
  2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of C-Sections
  3. Pride and Prolapsed Uterus
  4. One Hundred Years of Sonograms
  5. The Unbearable Tightness of Pushing
  6. The Fetus With the Dragon Tattoo
  7. The Postpartum Depression Always Rings Twice
  8. Fear and Loathing in Labor
  9. Sextuplets, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs
  10. Infinite Gestation
Volume 20- Issue 1

Sex and the City 3

September 1, 2010
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PRESS RELEASE: The girls are back again, again! Made entirely from deleted scenes from Sex and the City 2 deemed “too abhorrent” for audiences, Sex and the City 3 is sure to be a barely coherent pastiche of conspicuous consumption for the whole family. It’s the end of a disappointing summer season, and at this point our only goal is to cut losses and wring the last drops of life from this dying franchise. Soundtrack available on iTunes!

New York

Carrie (Narration): While Charlotte’s nanny was getting the wrong kind of attention, Big and I were having our own type of thing that’s bad.

[Carrie lounges in bed in an ivory silk negligee with diamond accents, playfully lifting her feet off the bed in men’s pink Italian loafers.]

Carrie: We never go out anymore, and I’m bored with buying all this hideously expensive designer furniture.

Big: We went to an international film premiere last night and walked the red carpet, and the day before that we went to a massive million-dollar Bollywood-esque gay wedding in Connecticut.

Carrie: See! Exactly! We don’t do anything!

Big: Baby, you’re right, I’m so sorry, here’s an incredible diamond ring, and if you’ll look out here…

[Big has arranged for Carrie’s favorite baseball team, the New York Yankees, to serenade her, in the nude, from the street below. Wolfgang Puck then enters the room with hand-made French truffles, the official truffles of Sex and the City 2.]

Big: What do you think, my perfect love?

Carrie: Oh great, ANOTHER evening at home!

[She quickly stomps out of the room, but the look on her exquisitely botoxed face will linger in the audience’s mind forever.]

Samantha in Abu Dhabi

[Samantha struggles in handcuffs, a butt plug clearly protruding from her g-string.]

Samantha: Well excuse me! In America we can perform anilingus on fifteen-year-old boys on any street corner!

Sympathetic Muslim Hotel Owner: Actually I believe that’s untrue. Your country is quite conservative and−

[Samantha squats on the ground and female ejaculates all over the Temple Mount.]

Samantha: This is a blow for feminism, Arabia!

Miranda: That’s right, why is it okay for a man to perform anilingus on a public street, but if a woman does it, it’s against the law!

Carrie: The Jude Law!

[The girls laugh uproariously.]

Sympathetic Muslim Hotel Owner: Please stop. I do not understand your arguments or your horrible, nonsensical puns.

Samantha: What’s the matter, can’t take the puns-ishment?

[Samantha aggressively fondles the hotel owner while a disco version of Stars and Stripes plays on Carrie’s HP Laptop, the official laptop of Sex And the City 2.]

Carrie in Abu Dhabi

Carrie (Narration): But I soon realized that sometimes, when you look at something, there’s more than meets the eye, and what meets your eye is more than you could ever imagine seeing.

[Carrie’s personal hotel butler, Ishmael, is mixing her an elaborate martini using only high-end liquors as well as drops of his own blood.]

Ishmael: Master, I pray this drink meets with your approval.

[He bows in terror.]

Carrie: Mmmm, yes, very fizzy.

[Ishmael slowly tries to back out of the room, averting his gaze from Carrie’s make-up covered thighs.]

Carrie: Wait, Ishmar. Tell me, do you have a wife?

Ishmael: Yes, I love her very much, but I’m an immigrant laborer so my pay is dirt and what money I earn I send home to her. We can only see each other once a year when I take out a loan so that I can fly home to India clinging to the cargo hold of a single-prop plane and then jump out over the Ganges, hoping the mud breaks my fall. Then I walk five hundred miles to see my beloved and my children who do not even remember my name. After a single night of awkward passion, I must then leave and begin the long walk back to the Middle East, battling dysentery and Turkish marauders the whole way.

Carrie: This is too fizzy, could you make it again Abdul?

Ishmael: Yes of course.

[Carrie suns herself while floating in the seven-star hotel’s champagne pool. Ishmael stands nearby holding a palm frond to shade her face.]

Carrie (Narration): Listening to Ishtar’s story gave me some real perspective… could Big and I have the same sort of trust in our relationship? Would he ever sacrifice for me? And should we get that second Manhattan apartment? I suppose there’s no way of ever really knowing–

[A voice-over interrupts the voice-over.]

–at least not until next week. Sex and the City 3 and 3/4, coming to a theater near you!