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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 20- Issue 1

CNN Faces Fines Over Portrayal of Muslim as Human Being

September 1, 2010
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CNN is facing steep consequences this week for airing a report which failed to meet the FCC’s mandatory Muslim otherness requirement.  During a ten-minute piece on the opening of a halal butcher shop, New York resident and practicing Muslim Mohammed Amman Hassan was shown engaging in completely average activities, including paying bills and selling meats in his new shop.  In flagrant disregard of FCC policy, the piece did not contain any images to make the viewer distrustful of Hassan or his religion at large, such as the burning of American flags or furious praying to a picture of Osama bin Laden.

“CNN brought this on themselves when they aired a piece about a Muslim without the mandatory four pieces of orientalist imagery,” said a representative of the FCC. “The American way of life needs protection now more than ever, and the best way to do that is to make all other ways of life seem scary and wrong.  The FCC works tirelessly to enforce otherness requirements, and CNN can’t even be bothered to show a few flashes of robed men cutting off hands?”

The pending fines against CNN are only the latest in a line of violations of the otherness requirement. A piece shown on MSNBC in early June depicted Africa, but failed to show sufficient amounts of poverty or children covered in flies. MSNBC’s parent station NBC committed a similar offense during recent coverage of a gay marriage debate, which contained no stock footage of shirtless men dancing in short shorts.

Bill O’Reilly, whose show The O’Reilly Factor is the only news program currently on the air that has never fallen short of otherness quotas, was quick to comment. “Frankly CNN’s effort to make Muslims look like real people disgusts me.  I’ve spent a lot of time blaming a religion of over a billion people for the actions of a handful of radicals, and I will not have the liberal media ruin it with ‘tolerance’.”

Volume 20- Issue 1

Minutes of the Drunk Illuminati

September 1, 2010
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Present: Alexander the Great, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, Ulysses S. Grant, John Wayne, Dean Martin, Senator Joseph McCarthy, Jackson Pollock, Jimi Hendrix, Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, Jim Morrison, Jack Kerouac, Elvis Presley.

8:02 Opening beers distributed. Alexander the Great calls the meeting to order and reads the Association Overview: “Millennia ago, I became history’s first real and true alcoholic. Unbeknownst to me at the time I had stumbled onto nature’s great secret: that through heavy drinking one can cheat death and live a life of eternal Bacchanalianism.  As the greatest lushes and drunkards of history we have taken, with the gift of eternal life, the responsibility of ruling the world from the shadows. We have all faked our own deaths and subtly poisoned the less worthy drunks of the world in order to keep our secret, so that we, the great minds of history, can keep the Drunk Illuminati in its rightful position of power and the world in perfect order.”

After-opening beers distributed. Floor opened to motions.

Topic opened by Churchill: “How much longer should we allow this current economic turmoil to continue before allowing the resurgence of the world economy?”

After discussion it is decided unanimously to keep the economy faltering until the common man has sufficiently grasped the error of the current, destructive capitalist system. Celebratory beers distributed.

Topic opened by Grant: “When shall we begin the third World War?”

After open discussion it’s decided 8 to 6 to delay the next world war until 2150 when Bulgaria has amassed enough power to fill the vacuum left by the imminent destruction of the current superpowers. Celebratory beers distributed.

Motioned by Kerouac: “I think it’s time that we lowered the American drinking age, man. It’s unfair that they can get sent to war but they can’t, like, have a drink.”

Objection by Poe: “Who cares? Most of us are hundreds of years old!”

Motion fails 13 to 1. Celebratory beers distributed. Round of shots distributed to celebrate successful round of beers.

Motioned by Hendrix: “We should have another round right now!”

Motion passes unanimously. Celebratory shots distributed.

Motioned by Senator McCarthy: “We need to do something about these Goddamn Communists!”

Objection by Stalin: “Dude, just shut the fuck up.”

Motion retracted. Celebratory beer bong busted out.

Motioned by Hemingway: “I bet you guys I could jump like fucking ten of these chairs.”

Objection by Wayne: “Fuck you, no way.”

Further testing decided on. Results: He couldn’t, possible fracture. Vote of 13 with 1 abstention decided to deal with that later. Empathy beer bong passed.

Motioned by Morrison: “DUDE, did you guys know that the Double Stuf Oreos have the same amount of cream as regular ones?”

Objection by Presley: “NOOOOOO FUCK YOU”

Blows exchanged. Fight broken up by Wayne. Bro-hugs and “I’m sorry bro, I fucking love you”s exchanged. Conflict resolution Jager Bombs distributed.

8:35 Meeting brought to a close. Martin, Hendrix, Morrison, and Presley share an off-key harmony of “We Are the Champions.” Churchill holds back Stalin’s hair as he vomits. Writers compare dick sizes to determine literary merit. Remaining members have found their place to crash.

Volume 20- Issue 1

UC Regent Cries Himself to Sleep at Night

September 1, 2010
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In a press conference this Thursday, UC Regent Robert Sullivan admitted to a rash of teary nights atop his satin sheets inside his retro spaceship house. The unprecedented raises in tuition have taken a heavy toll, the Regent said.

“It was wrong to take so much money from the little people,” Sullivan said. “I’ve tried to distract my sorrow by expanding my collection of gold bars covered in diamonds, but it’s just not working.”

Sullivan, along with the rest of the Board of Regents, was recently discovered to have an unconscionably high salary. Sullivan was reportedly taking home $787,637 plus benefits, as well as a secret salary worth twice his regular salary. He also received 20 vacation weeks a year for “super-yacht maintenance.”

“I needed those vacation days to escape my deep regret,” he said. “There is no better way to get rid of grief than a three-month vacation on your own private island. I highly recommend it.”

Sullivan began to feel remorse after imagining how the tuition raises would affect him if he were still a student. He speculated that he would no longer be able to maintain the upkeep for the wildlife exhibit he houses in the backyard of his Berkeley Hills mansion, his fleet of vintage B-52 bombers, or other small luxuries. Sullivan supposed his family might feel the pain as well.

“I would have to sell one of my football teams!” said Petunia Sullivan, one of Sullivan’s wives.

No matter how decadent students consider his actions, Sullivan asked that they take pity on him.

“I truly am sorry,” Sullivan said, as he blew his nose into a crisp thousand-dollar bill.

Volume 20- Issue 1

Come Tour the Libertarian Co-op

September 1, 2010
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Welcome fellow Calservatives to Reagan House, where the most free thinking individuals come together to laugh at the mindless sheep living in other co-ops.  Members of those houses spend all their time around people who constantly validate their ideology.  We, on the other hand, hold independent and freely derived opinions that just happen to be the same.  Now come with me and I will show you what backbreaking work—the only possible reason for our success—has brought us.

Here’s the kitchen. You’ll notice there’s no communal storage space. The only members who eat are the ones with the strength and initiative to take what is rightfully theirs. Those who don’t have have enough food learn a valuable lesson about the absolute laws of nature.  I find this endless struggle for life helps students here really grow into better people.  Unlike in those weaker co-ops, we don’t assign people to cook for you. We like to emphasize that you must not rely on handouts of tofu stir-fry and quinoa.  You can always hire someone to cook for you.  Can’t afford that?  Well, that’s your fault for being so lazy.

Now we venture on to the bedrooms.  We aren’t so inefficient as to assign rooms based on the meaningless condition of how long you’ve lived here.  Instead, rooms are bought with funds raised in Reagan House’s annual deregulated bake sale, because the market always rewards those who most deserve it.  And to make sure we don’t punish success, there is no limit on the number of rooms any one person can buy regardless of how much space that person actually needs.  Those of you with inferior vegan cupcakes must be stuffed into rooms that were obviously not built to accommodate three people.

Here we arrive at the common room, where many of the residents like to play chess, Free Market Jenga, and property-tax-free Monopoly.  And our unrestricted 1880’s parties get pretty crazy.  I once saw someone getting an invisible hand job right on the dance floor!  These blowouts and our weekly laissez-faire barbecues have helped Reagan House rise above the other co-ops to have the most unique house culture in town.  And ever since we privatized the bathrooms, we’ve had the most profitable parties on campus.  Sure, some people have chosen to just throw up in the halls, but those who can afford entry have the most deluxe puking experience they’ll never remember.

With so many strong personalities residing in Reagan House, the constant vying for power makes house politics a marvelous example of human ingenuity.  What was once one house government fell apart as each co-oper decided that his view of individual autonomy was best.  Now there are at least twenty different agencies competing to set the activities of the house.  While this system has left us with a noticeable lack of dishwashers, we’re confident that the most efficient system will be established if given the time needed to work itself out. One thing’s for sure: when the new age of reason dawns, members of the other houses will see how foolish they were to clean bathrooms for anyone but themselves.

We’ve now reached the end of the tour.  Anyone still here is disqualified from living in Reagan House because, as it turns out, you’re all just a bunch of followers.

Volume 20- Issue 1

Spend the Holidays with Ayn Rand

September 1, 2010
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Christmas

Billy Rand: Hooray! It’s Christmas!

Ayn Rand: Merry Christmas, Billy. It is time for you to unwrap your gifts.

Billy: Oh boy! [rips open present] Wh-what is this?

Ayn: It is a job application. Participation in the free economy is the greatest gift your “Santa Claus” can offer.

Billy: [welling up with tears] But I’m only five.

Ayn: What of it! That is no reason to withhold your labor! Just unwrap your next present−no, I will tell you what it is. It is a bill.

Billy: A bill?

Ayn: It is the hospital bill from the day you were born. Did you think I gave birth to you, Billy? No, it was but an investment, and one on which I hope to collect soon.

Billy: Can I open my stocking now?

Ayn: It contains only a pen to fill out your job application. Have your resume ready by the end of the day.

Halloween

Billy: Bye, Mom! I’m going trick or treating!

Ayn: Billy Howard-Roark Rand, you will do no such thing!

Billy: Huh? But I’ve been working on my ghost costume all week!

Ayn: I will not have any child of mine haunting the neighborhood as the spectre of Communism haunts Europe.

Billy:  I just want candy.

Ayn: Surely you mean you would like to attain a great deal of candy by the sweat of your brow, not be given it like a sweet-toothed Bolshevik.

[The doorbell rings.]

Children: Trick or treat!

Ayn: Trick!? You think you can trick me? I released the hounds the second you arrived.

Valentine’s Day

Billy: Mom! Look how many valentines I got at school today.

Ayn: This is terrible news.

Billy: But everybody likes me!

Ayn: Pay no heed to the fickle affections of your peers. Human relationships are but obstacles in your pursuit of excellence.

Billy: This one has a doggy on it!

Ayn: Vulgar.

Billy: …It says “I woof you.”

Ayn: It is only your childish ignorance that allows you to believe in woof.

4th of July

Ayn: Happy Fourth of July, little Rand! Today commemorates the founding of the world’s great bastion of capitalism. We will celebrate in the most meaningful way possible. Hand me those fireworks.

Billy: Fireworks?

Ayn: Fireworks, Billy. A most thrilling display of human ingenuity and man’s dominance over nature.

Billy: I like fireworks because they’re pretty.

Ayn: For instance, if I am to point this small bottle rocket at that cluster of trees−

[Nearby forest bursts into flames.]

Billy: Oh my God!

Ayn: There is no God, Billy.
**

Thanksgiving**

[Pulling up in car.]

Billy: Why do I have to go to Mom’s house for Thanksgiving again?  I want to stay with you and Martha!

Dan Rand: C’mon Billy. You know it’s part of the settlement…

Ayn: [popping up beside the car, with an axe in one hand and a live turkey in the other] Good to see you, Billy! Let us each say what we are most thankful for.

Billy: [frightened] Dad?

Ayn: [chopping off turkey’s head] I am thankful for cunning, Atlas Shrugged, and the death of Immanuel Kant!

Billy: I’m thankful for…

Ayn:  The death of Immanuel Kant? Your continued existence as a parasite upon my brilliance? The Fountainhead? Staying awake for days and days and days?

Billy: Dad!

Dan: Look, she’s not my problem anymore. I’ll see you on Tuesday.

Billy: This is the worst birthday ever.

Volume 20- Issue 1

Top Ten Books About Pregnancy Gone Horribly Awry

September 1, 2010
  1. Twilight: Breaking Dawn
  2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of C-Sections
  3. Pride and Prolapsed Uterus
  4. One Hundred Years of Sonograms
  5. The Unbearable Tightness of Pushing
  6. The Fetus With the Dragon Tattoo
  7. The Postpartum Depression Always Rings Twice
  8. Fear and Loathing in Labor
  9. Sextuplets, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs
  10. Infinite Gestation
Volume 20- Issue 1

Soylent Co. Denies Outrageous Claims

September 1, 2010
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In response to recent allegations concerning the sources of an already-dwindling food supply, the Soylent Corporation has released a statement refuting “the heinous claims besmirching our fine and delicious product.”

At the center of the controversy is Soylent Green, the latest addition to the Soylent Co. food-like product family, with an ingredient list that includes a high-energy aquatic plankton, Green No. 3 coloring, and absolutely nothing else.

“Soylent Green is not, nor has it ever been, anything but the most nutritious plankton in the oceans, which I assure you were unaffected by the terrible environmental disaster that has ravaged every other inch of this doomed planet,” said Soylent spokesperson Robert Packston.  “Oh, and pay no attention to those mysterious trucks leaving our suicide farms.  They are completely unrelated.”

These remarks were made in direct response to the charges leveled by Detective Ty Thorn of the New York City Police Department, whose violent outburst Tuesday has corresponded to a noticeable increase in wafer-related rioting, which has in turn corresponded to a noticeable increase in actions taken by the garbage truck riot police.

NYPD Police Chief Brian Hatcher, however, has yet to investigate the validity of Thorn’s claims.

“The character of these ravings is far too hysterical to be taken seriously,” Hatcher stated.  “He just did not give a convincing enough performance.”

Volume 20- Issue 1

Sex and the City 3

September 1, 2010
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PRESS RELEASE: The girls are back again, again! Made entirely from deleted scenes from Sex and the City 2 deemed “too abhorrent” for audiences, Sex and the City 3 is sure to be a barely coherent pastiche of conspicuous consumption for the whole family. It’s the end of a disappointing summer season, and at this point our only goal is to cut losses and wring the last drops of life from this dying franchise. Soundtrack available on iTunes!

New York

Carrie (Narration): While Charlotte’s nanny was getting the wrong kind of attention, Big and I were having our own type of thing that’s bad.

[Carrie lounges in bed in an ivory silk negligee with diamond accents, playfully lifting her feet off the bed in men’s pink Italian loafers.]

Carrie: We never go out anymore, and I’m bored with buying all this hideously expensive designer furniture.

Big: We went to an international film premiere last night and walked the red carpet, and the day before that we went to a massive million-dollar Bollywood-esque gay wedding in Connecticut.

Carrie: See! Exactly! We don’t do anything!

Big: Baby, you’re right, I’m so sorry, here’s an incredible diamond ring, and if you’ll look out here…

[Big has arranged for Carrie’s favorite baseball team, the New York Yankees, to serenade her, in the nude, from the street below. Wolfgang Puck then enters the room with hand-made French truffles, the official truffles of Sex and the City 2.]

Big: What do you think, my perfect love?

Carrie: Oh great, ANOTHER evening at home!

[She quickly stomps out of the room, but the look on her exquisitely botoxed face will linger in the audience’s mind forever.]

Samantha in Abu Dhabi

[Samantha struggles in handcuffs, a butt plug clearly protruding from her g-string.]

Samantha: Well excuse me! In America we can perform anilingus on fifteen-year-old boys on any street corner!

Sympathetic Muslim Hotel Owner: Actually I believe that’s untrue. Your country is quite conservative and−

[Samantha squats on the ground and female ejaculates all over the Temple Mount.]

Samantha: This is a blow for feminism, Arabia!

Miranda: That’s right, why is it okay for a man to perform anilingus on a public street, but if a woman does it, it’s against the law!

Carrie: The Jude Law!

[The girls laugh uproariously.]

Sympathetic Muslim Hotel Owner: Please stop. I do not understand your arguments or your horrible, nonsensical puns.

Samantha: What’s the matter, can’t take the puns-ishment?

[Samantha aggressively fondles the hotel owner while a disco version of Stars and Stripes plays on Carrie’s HP Laptop, the official laptop of Sex And the City 2.]

Carrie in Abu Dhabi

Carrie (Narration): But I soon realized that sometimes, when you look at something, there’s more than meets the eye, and what meets your eye is more than you could ever imagine seeing.

[Carrie’s personal hotel butler, Ishmael, is mixing her an elaborate martini using only high-end liquors as well as drops of his own blood.]

Ishmael: Master, I pray this drink meets with your approval.

[He bows in terror.]

Carrie: Mmmm, yes, very fizzy.

[Ishmael slowly tries to back out of the room, averting his gaze from Carrie’s make-up covered thighs.]

Carrie: Wait, Ishmar. Tell me, do you have a wife?

Ishmael: Yes, I love her very much, but I’m an immigrant laborer so my pay is dirt and what money I earn I send home to her. We can only see each other once a year when I take out a loan so that I can fly home to India clinging to the cargo hold of a single-prop plane and then jump out over the Ganges, hoping the mud breaks my fall. Then I walk five hundred miles to see my beloved and my children who do not even remember my name. After a single night of awkward passion, I must then leave and begin the long walk back to the Middle East, battling dysentery and Turkish marauders the whole way.

Carrie: This is too fizzy, could you make it again Abdul?

Ishmael: Yes of course.

[Carrie suns herself while floating in the seven-star hotel’s champagne pool. Ishmael stands nearby holding a palm frond to shade her face.]

Carrie (Narration): Listening to Ishtar’s story gave me some real perspective… could Big and I have the same sort of trust in our relationship? Would he ever sacrifice for me? And should we get that second Manhattan apartment? I suppose there’s no way of ever really knowing–

[A voice-over interrupts the voice-over.]

–at least not until next week. Sex and the City 3 and 3/4, coming to a theater near you!