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Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy
Volume 20- Issue 1

Websites: The Movie

September 1, 2010
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With Facebook’s elegiac bio-pic The Social Network generating a huge buzz, other websites are jumping on the bandwagon and filming their own origin stores. Here are the trailers:

yelp.com presents Judgement Day: Pastrami on Rye

[Scene opens in an empty city deli. Two idealistic young computer programmers sit down at an empty booth.]

Kevin: Jack, do you notice anything… weird about this sandwich?

Jack: [taking a bite] It–it’s delicious.

Kevin: Good God, man. We need to do something about this!

Jack: We need to tell the world.

Narrator: Garibaldi Deli was a national secret. Until two men broke the story wide open. World wide web open.

Jack: We’re going to make a website where anyone can review restaurants!

Kevin: No more secrets. No more lies.

[_Jump Cu_t]

Kevin: Submit review! I said, submit review!

Jack: It’s too late, Kevin. Cindy already went to the overpriced deli across the street.

[Jump Cut]

Jack: Dammit, man! Only three stars? The service was impeccable!

Kevin: I. Asked. For no. Mustard.

[Fade to black while choral arrangement of The Beatles’s Mean Mr. Mustard plays.]

match.com presents Matchless Love

[In a darkened room, a young woman presses her hand longingly against her computer screen.]

Jessica: Who are you kirbymario1818@hotmail.com?

[Suddenly, an IM appears.]

Connor: Oh, LilCuteStar. I know your a/s/l, your IP address. And yet, I feel like I still don’t know a thing about you. Except that–

Narrator: It took two perfect strangers…

Jessica: Except, what?

Narrator: …to have a perfect love.

Connor: That it’s like a team of experts matched us based on 29 points of compatibility. I-I love you.

Jessica:  Marry me!

Narrator: But when their families tried to tear them apart…

Jessica: Mom! Dad! Our love has compatibility. It’s like a fool-proof formula!

Father: Poppycock!

Narrator: …a matchmaking website with mathematically proven success rates…

Jessica: [aside] I’ll show them, I’ll show them all!

Narrator: …was born.

Connor: C’mon, Jess. Come out of the romantic chemistry lab for dinner at least.

Jessica: But I’ve finally done it, I’ve created an infallible dating website born of our pure love. I’m certain of it! So certain, that I can offer a 6 month guarantee!

Connor: That’s twice as long as eHarmony!

[Fade to black while choral arrangement of Love Potion No. 9 plays.]

Overstock.com incepts Inception

[Two men smoke cigarettes in a small, dark conference room. Their exhausted faces are barely visible through a cloud of smoke.]

CEO: How are we going to push more products? No one wants our cheap, overproduced crap.

Employee: It’s impossible! Unless…

CEO: Unless what?

Employee: Inception.

Narrator: A web start-up on the brink of destruction is about to pull off the heist of a lifetime.

Employee: All we have to do is go inside our customers’ minds and convince them that they need to buy more bedding, more mahogany-finished clothing hampers, more reasonably-priced dog beds.

CEO: And that Overstock.com is the place to do it.

Employee: If we’re going to do this, we need an architect.

CEO: The best architect. Thinking what I’m thinking?

Employee: We need an advertising agency.

[Jump Cut]

Architect: This commercial is only 30 seconds long, so we need to get in and out of there. When the screen fades to black, that’s the kick.

CEO: What happens if we fail?

Architect: Then the website will stay in limbo. People will remember hearing about Overstock.com, but no one will actually know why it exists.

CEO: So…basically the same then?

[Fade to black while choral arrangement of the Inception theme song plays.]

Volume 20- Issue 1

UC Regent Cries Himself to Sleep at Night

September 1, 2010
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In a press conference this Thursday, UC Regent Robert Sullivan admitted to a rash of teary nights atop his satin sheets inside his retro spaceship house. The unprecedented raises in tuition have taken a heavy toll, the Regent said.

“It was wrong to take so much money from the little people,” Sullivan said. “I’ve tried to distract my sorrow by expanding my collection of gold bars covered in diamonds, but it’s just not working.”

Sullivan, along with the rest of the Board of Regents, was recently discovered to have an unconscionably high salary. Sullivan was reportedly taking home $787,637 plus benefits, as well as a secret salary worth twice his regular salary. He also received 20 vacation weeks a year for “super-yacht maintenance.”

“I needed those vacation days to escape my deep regret,” he said. “There is no better way to get rid of grief than a three-month vacation on your own private island. I highly recommend it.”

Sullivan began to feel remorse after imagining how the tuition raises would affect him if he were still a student. He speculated that he would no longer be able to maintain the upkeep for the wildlife exhibit he houses in the backyard of his Berkeley Hills mansion, his fleet of vintage B-52 bombers, or other small luxuries. Sullivan supposed his family might feel the pain as well.

“I would have to sell one of my football teams!” said Petunia Sullivan, one of Sullivan’s wives.

No matter how decadent students consider his actions, Sullivan asked that they take pity on him.

“I truly am sorry,” Sullivan said, as he blew his nose into a crisp thousand-dollar bill.

Volume 20- Issue 1

Reallife

Realdoll

September 1, 2010
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The makers of Realdoll™ are pleased to announce the release of their long-awaited, one-sided-relationship-enhancing Reallife™ expansion series.  Finally, a way for you and your significant plaything to experience all the joys of a committed relationship with the same authentic feel and unparalleled anatomical accuracy our customers have sworn to come by.  Order in the next fourteen days and receive a year’s free subscription to our catalog plus 30% off groping and handling on your next purchase.

Realbaby

Feel like your relationship has reached a stalemate?  Tired of the same old dinner-and-a-movie, sex, rinse-thoroughly-with-a mild-detergent and repeat? Rekindle your romance with the tender delights and physically irreversible wonders of parenthood! Made with the same high quality silicone and genuine human hair as the original, each Realbaby is custom-made from one of eighteen heads and twelve haircolors to best match you and your rubber girlfriend’s genetic code. But that’s not all! Every Realbaby comes complete with:

Three Detachable Trimester Tummies For an authentic maternal appearance and months of weepy tension and insecurity.
Lactation Inserts Complete with milk duct installation kit and six starter packets of whipped cream.

Satisfy her irrational midnight cravings with this Eight Inch Pickle .
Tattered Replacement Vagina For realistic after-birth encounters. Afterbirth sold separately.

 

Realadultery

Has the onset of complacency left your love life lacking its jouissance?  Nothing puts the thrill back in a relationship like the tight-lipped suspicion of infidelity!  And while your doll can’t actually close her mouth, her usual protracted silences are sure to crackle with newfound resentment and hostility.  Order now and receive:   

Realadultressdoll Just like your original.  Except this model weighs twenty pounds less. 
Realfake Gym Membership Adds credibility to the lies about why you come home smelling like sweat and WD-40 every evening.
Your Incriminating Credit Card Bill Doubles as your actual bill for this product. Guaranteed to alienate not only your Realdoll but also your entire extended family!
Silica Butcher Knife For the climactic moment when your tangled web of lies is finally unraveled.  Handle unscrews to become dildo for use during inevitable make-up sex.

Realcounseling

Have intimacy issues that will take more than an extra dollop of Astroglide to fix? Our Realcounseling couples therapy sessions will give you the chance to work through any problem you can and do imagine. From her irresponsible spending to your increasingly violent reactions to synthetic polymers, our team of experts will manufacture the answers. Includes:

Real Counselor Sign up with one of our dubiously credentialed relationship specialists, now established in over 30 metropolitan areas. Our counselors aren’t just Real, they’re actually real!
Emotional Role-Playing Finger Puppets Use inanimate objects to act out situations you’re too self-conscious to act out with your Real inanimate object.
Blame and Forgiveness Faces Pack While her highly-articulated stainless steel joints already allow for a fair share of finger-pointing, these interchangeable expressions will add a whole new dimension to the synthetic healing process.
Tears Comes complete with funnel to refill bottle with tears of your own.

Volume 20- Issue 1

Spend the Holidays with Ayn Rand

September 1, 2010
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Christmas

Billy Rand: Hooray! It’s Christmas!

Ayn Rand: Merry Christmas, Billy. It is time for you to unwrap your gifts.

Billy: Oh boy! [rips open present] Wh-what is this?

Ayn: It is a job application. Participation in the free economy is the greatest gift your “Santa Claus” can offer.

Billy: [welling up with tears] But I’m only five.

Ayn: What of it! That is no reason to withhold your labor! Just unwrap your next present−no, I will tell you what it is. It is a bill.

Billy: A bill?

Ayn: It is the hospital bill from the day you were born. Did you think I gave birth to you, Billy? No, it was but an investment, and one on which I hope to collect soon.

Billy: Can I open my stocking now?

Ayn: It contains only a pen to fill out your job application. Have your resume ready by the end of the day.

Halloween

Billy: Bye, Mom! I’m going trick or treating!

Ayn: Billy Howard-Roark Rand, you will do no such thing!

Billy: Huh? But I’ve been working on my ghost costume all week!

Ayn: I will not have any child of mine haunting the neighborhood as the spectre of Communism haunts Europe.

Billy:  I just want candy.

Ayn: Surely you mean you would like to attain a great deal of candy by the sweat of your brow, not be given it like a sweet-toothed Bolshevik.

[The doorbell rings.]

Children: Trick or treat!

Ayn: Trick!? You think you can trick me? I released the hounds the second you arrived.

Valentine’s Day

Billy: Mom! Look how many valentines I got at school today.

Ayn: This is terrible news.

Billy: But everybody likes me!

Ayn: Pay no heed to the fickle affections of your peers. Human relationships are but obstacles in your pursuit of excellence.

Billy: This one has a doggy on it!

Ayn: Vulgar.

Billy: …It says “I woof you.”

Ayn: It is only your childish ignorance that allows you to believe in woof.

4th of July

Ayn: Happy Fourth of July, little Rand! Today commemorates the founding of the world’s great bastion of capitalism. We will celebrate in the most meaningful way possible. Hand me those fireworks.

Billy: Fireworks?

Ayn: Fireworks, Billy. A most thrilling display of human ingenuity and man’s dominance over nature.

Billy: I like fireworks because they’re pretty.

Ayn: For instance, if I am to point this small bottle rocket at that cluster of trees−

[Nearby forest bursts into flames.]

Billy: Oh my God!

Ayn: There is no God, Billy.
**

Thanksgiving**

[Pulling up in car.]

Billy: Why do I have to go to Mom’s house for Thanksgiving again?  I want to stay with you and Martha!

Dan Rand: C’mon Billy. You know it’s part of the settlement…

Ayn: [popping up beside the car, with an axe in one hand and a live turkey in the other] Good to see you, Billy! Let us each say what we are most thankful for.

Billy: [frightened] Dad?

Ayn: [chopping off turkey’s head] I am thankful for cunning, Atlas Shrugged, and the death of Immanuel Kant!

Billy: I’m thankful for…

Ayn:  The death of Immanuel Kant? Your continued existence as a parasite upon my brilliance? The Fountainhead? Staying awake for days and days and days?

Billy: Dad!

Dan: Look, she’s not my problem anymore. I’ll see you on Tuesday.

Billy: This is the worst birthday ever.

Volume 20- Issue 1

Top Ten Signs You Might Have Pledged a Vampire Fraternity

September 1, 2010
  1. Guys seemed nervous when you suggested “Steak Night.”
  2. Big theme party is always “Immortal Bros and Neck-Bitten Hoes.”
  3. Hell Week actually takes place in Hell.
  4. The house has a firm rule about never letting Wesley Snipes inside.
  5. Guys in coffins are sleeping, not masturbating.
  6. Pledge scavenger hunt just involves robbing Bay Area blood banks.
  7. You’re the only house that never shows up to a party uninvited.
  8. All the brothers work out, but none have mirrors in their rooms.
  9. Brothers avoid daylight whether or not last night was a kegger.
  10. Bloody Marys are served suspiciously warm.
Volume 20- Issue 1

Anthropologist Does Trendy Research

September 1, 2010
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Controversial anthropologist George Burris released a new study Friday on the appearance of prehistoric man, advancing a theory that runs counter to Dr. Robert Figerman’s previous anthropological claim that “a Neanderthal dressed in a coat and fedora would be indistinguishable from modern man.” Burris’s report counters that it would not blend in because it would look like a complete douchebag.

“Look,” said Dr. Burris, “Neanderthals may not have had the mental capacity to understand the flow of time, but even they weren’t tacky enough to wear something as passé as a fedora.”

“This paper is not only poorly researched, but rooted in blatant subjectivity,” responded Dr. Figerman, awkwardly fidgeting with his fedora.

Burris’s study goes on to propose that based on genetic predisposition there is no reason that Neanderthals, rather than fedora wearers, should have been subjected to species termination. “Jason Mraz looking shmucks,” he is quoted as saying in an unrelated interview.

Dr. Burris’s new work is a follow up to his 2006 paper: “If Homo Erectus Wore Aviators It Would Look Like an Asshole.”

Volume 20- Issue 1

Minutes of the Drunk Illuminati

September 1, 2010
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Present: Alexander the Great, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, Ulysses S. Grant, John Wayne, Dean Martin, Senator Joseph McCarthy, Jackson Pollock, Jimi Hendrix, Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, Jim Morrison, Jack Kerouac, Elvis Presley.

8:02 Opening beers distributed. Alexander the Great calls the meeting to order and reads the Association Overview: “Millennia ago, I became history’s first real and true alcoholic. Unbeknownst to me at the time I had stumbled onto nature’s great secret: that through heavy drinking one can cheat death and live a life of eternal Bacchanalianism.  As the greatest lushes and drunkards of history we have taken, with the gift of eternal life, the responsibility of ruling the world from the shadows. We have all faked our own deaths and subtly poisoned the less worthy drunks of the world in order to keep our secret, so that we, the great minds of history, can keep the Drunk Illuminati in its rightful position of power and the world in perfect order.”

After-opening beers distributed. Floor opened to motions.

Topic opened by Churchill: “How much longer should we allow this current economic turmoil to continue before allowing the resurgence of the world economy?”

After discussion it is decided unanimously to keep the economy faltering until the common man has sufficiently grasped the error of the current, destructive capitalist system. Celebratory beers distributed.

Topic opened by Grant: “When shall we begin the third World War?”

After open discussion it’s decided 8 to 6 to delay the next world war until 2150 when Bulgaria has amassed enough power to fill the vacuum left by the imminent destruction of the current superpowers. Celebratory beers distributed.

Motioned by Kerouac: “I think it’s time that we lowered the American drinking age, man. It’s unfair that they can get sent to war but they can’t, like, have a drink.”

Objection by Poe: “Who cares? Most of us are hundreds of years old!”

Motion fails 13 to 1. Celebratory beers distributed. Round of shots distributed to celebrate successful round of beers.

Motioned by Hendrix: “We should have another round right now!”

Motion passes unanimously. Celebratory shots distributed.

Motioned by Senator McCarthy: “We need to do something about these Goddamn Communists!”

Objection by Stalin: “Dude, just shut the fuck up.”

Motion retracted. Celebratory beer bong busted out.

Motioned by Hemingway: “I bet you guys I could jump like fucking ten of these chairs.”

Objection by Wayne: “Fuck you, no way.”

Further testing decided on. Results: He couldn’t, possible fracture. Vote of 13 with 1 abstention decided to deal with that later. Empathy beer bong passed.

Motioned by Morrison: “DUDE, did you guys know that the Double Stuf Oreos have the same amount of cream as regular ones?”

Objection by Presley: “NOOOOOO FUCK YOU”

Blows exchanged. Fight broken up by Wayne. Bro-hugs and “I’m sorry bro, I fucking love you”s exchanged. Conflict resolution Jager Bombs distributed.

8:35 Meeting brought to a close. Martin, Hendrix, Morrison, and Presley share an off-key harmony of “We Are the Champions.” Churchill holds back Stalin’s hair as he vomits. Writers compare dick sizes to determine literary merit. Remaining members have found their place to crash.

Volume 20- Issue 1

Come Tour the Libertarian Co-op

September 1, 2010
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Welcome fellow Calservatives to Reagan House, where the most free thinking individuals come together to laugh at the mindless sheep living in other co-ops.  Members of those houses spend all their time around people who constantly validate their ideology.  We, on the other hand, hold independent and freely derived opinions that just happen to be the same.  Now come with me and I will show you what backbreaking work—the only possible reason for our success—has brought us.

Here’s the kitchen. You’ll notice there’s no communal storage space. The only members who eat are the ones with the strength and initiative to take what is rightfully theirs. Those who don’t have have enough food learn a valuable lesson about the absolute laws of nature.  I find this endless struggle for life helps students here really grow into better people.  Unlike in those weaker co-ops, we don’t assign people to cook for you. We like to emphasize that you must not rely on handouts of tofu stir-fry and quinoa.  You can always hire someone to cook for you.  Can’t afford that?  Well, that’s your fault for being so lazy.

Now we venture on to the bedrooms.  We aren’t so inefficient as to assign rooms based on the meaningless condition of how long you’ve lived here.  Instead, rooms are bought with funds raised in Reagan House’s annual deregulated bake sale, because the market always rewards those who most deserve it.  And to make sure we don’t punish success, there is no limit on the number of rooms any one person can buy regardless of how much space that person actually needs.  Those of you with inferior vegan cupcakes must be stuffed into rooms that were obviously not built to accommodate three people.

Here we arrive at the common room, where many of the residents like to play chess, Free Market Jenga, and property-tax-free Monopoly.  And our unrestricted 1880’s parties get pretty crazy.  I once saw someone getting an invisible hand job right on the dance floor!  These blowouts and our weekly laissez-faire barbecues have helped Reagan House rise above the other co-ops to have the most unique house culture in town.  And ever since we privatized the bathrooms, we’ve had the most profitable parties on campus.  Sure, some people have chosen to just throw up in the halls, but those who can afford entry have the most deluxe puking experience they’ll never remember.

With so many strong personalities residing in Reagan House, the constant vying for power makes house politics a marvelous example of human ingenuity.  What was once one house government fell apart as each co-oper decided that his view of individual autonomy was best.  Now there are at least twenty different agencies competing to set the activities of the house.  While this system has left us with a noticeable lack of dishwashers, we’re confident that the most efficient system will be established if given the time needed to work itself out. One thing’s for sure: when the new age of reason dawns, members of the other houses will see how foolish they were to clean bathrooms for anyone but themselves.

We’ve now reached the end of the tour.  Anyone still here is disqualified from living in Reagan House because, as it turns out, you’re all just a bunch of followers.