PRESS RELEASE: The girls are back again, again! Made entirely from deleted scenes from Sex and the City 2 deemed “too abhorrent” for audiences, Sex and the City 3 is sure to be a barely coherent pastiche of conspicuous consumption for the whole family. It’s the end of a disappointing summer season, and at this point our only goal is to cut losses and wring the last drops of life from this dying franchise. Soundtrack available on iTunes!
Carrie (Narration): While Charlotte’s nanny was getting the wrong kind of attention, Big and I were having our own type of thing that’s bad.
[Carrie lounges in bed in an ivory silk negligee with diamond accents, playfully lifting her feet off the bed in men’s pink Italian loafers.]
Carrie: We never go out anymore, and I’m bored with buying all this hideously expensive designer furniture.
Big: We went to an international film premiere last night and walked the red carpet, and the day before that we went to a massive million-dollar Bollywood-esque gay wedding in Connecticut.
Carrie: See! Exactly! We don’t do anything!
Big: Baby, you’re right, I’m so sorry, here’s an incredible diamond ring, and if you’ll look out here…
[Big has arranged for Carrie’s favorite baseball team, the New York Yankees, to serenade her, in the nude, from the street below. Wolfgang Puck then enters the room with hand-made French truffles, the official truffles of Sex and the City 2.]
Big: What do you think, my perfect love?
Carrie: Oh great, ANOTHER evening at home!
[She quickly stomps out of the room, but the look on her exquisitely botoxed face will linger in the audience’s mind forever.]
Samantha in Abu Dhabi
[Samantha struggles in handcuffs, a butt plug clearly protruding from her g-string.]
Samantha: Well excuse me! In America we can perform anilingus on fifteen-year-old boys on any street corner!
Sympathetic Muslim Hotel Owner: Actually I believe that’s untrue. Your country is quite conservative and−
[Samantha squats on the ground and female ejaculates all over the Temple Mount.]
Samantha: This is a blow for feminism, Arabia!
Miranda: That’s right, why is it okay for a man to perform anilingus on a public street, but if a woman does it, it’s against the law!
Carrie: The Jude Law!
[The girls laugh uproariously.]
Sympathetic Muslim Hotel Owner: Please stop. I do not understand your arguments or your horrible, nonsensical puns.
Samantha: What’s the matter, can’t take the puns-ishment?
[Samantha aggressively fondles the hotel owner while a disco version of Stars and Stripes plays on Carrie’s HP Laptop, the official laptop of Sex And the City 2.]
Carrie in Abu Dhabi
Carrie (Narration): But I soon realized that sometimes, when you look at something, there’s more than meets the eye, and what meets your eye is more than you could ever imagine seeing.
[Carrie’s personal hotel butler, Ishmael, is mixing her an elaborate martini using only high-end liquors as well as drops of his own blood.]
Ishmael: Master, I pray this drink meets with your approval.
[He bows in terror.]
Carrie: Mmmm, yes, very fizzy.
[Ishmael slowly tries to back out of the room, averting his gaze from Carrie’s make-up covered thighs.]
Carrie: Wait, Ishmar. Tell me, do you have a wife?
Ishmael: Yes, I love her very much, but I’m an immigrant laborer so my pay is dirt and what money I earn I send home to her. We can only see each other once a year when I take out a loan so that I can fly home to India clinging to the cargo hold of a single-prop plane and then jump out over the Ganges, hoping the mud breaks my fall. Then I walk five hundred miles to see my beloved and my children who do not even remember my name. After a single night of awkward passion, I must then leave and begin the long walk back to the Middle East, battling dysentery and Turkish marauders the whole way.
Carrie: This is too fizzy, could you make it again Abdul?
Ishmael: Yes of course.
[Carrie suns herself while floating in the seven-star hotel’s champagne pool. Ishmael stands nearby holding a palm frond to shade her face.]
Carrie (Narration): Listening to Ishtar’s story gave me some real perspective… could Big and I have the same sort of trust in our relationship? Would he ever sacrifice for me? And should we get that second Manhattan apartment? I suppose there’s no way of ever really knowing–
[A voice-over interrupts the voice-over.]
–at least not until next week. Sex and the City 3 and 3/4, coming to a theater near you!