Spend the Holidays with Ayn Rand


Billy Rand: Hooray! It’s Christmas!

Ayn Rand: Merry Christmas, Billy. It is time for you to unwrap your gifts.

Billy: Oh boy! [rips open present] Wh-what is this?

Ayn: It is a job application. Participation in the free economy is the greatest gift your “Santa Claus” can offer.

Billy: [welling up with tears] But I’m only five.

Ayn: What of it! That is no reason to withhold your labor! Just unwrap your next present−no, I will tell you what it is. It is a bill.

Billy: A bill?

Ayn: It is the hospital bill from the day you were born. Did you think I gave birth to you, Billy? No, it was but an investment, and one on which I hope to collect soon.

Billy: Can I open my stocking now?

Ayn: It contains only a pen to fill out your job application. Have your resume ready by the end of the day.


Billy: Bye, Mom! I’m going trick or treating!

Ayn: Billy Howard-Roark Rand, you will do no such thing!

Billy: Huh? But I’ve been working on my ghost costume all week!

Ayn: I will not have any child of mine haunting the neighborhood as the spectre of Communism haunts Europe.

Billy:  I just want candy.

Ayn: Surely you mean you would like to attain a great deal of candy by the sweat of your brow, not be given it like a sweet-toothed Bolshevik.

[The doorbell rings.]

Children: Trick or treat!

Ayn: Trick!? You think you can trick me? I released the hounds the second you arrived.

Valentine’s Day

Billy: Mom! Look how many valentines I got at school today.

Ayn: This is terrible news.

Billy: But everybody likes me!

Ayn: Pay no heed to the fickle affections of your peers. Human relationships are but obstacles in your pursuit of excellence.

Billy: This one has a doggy on it!

Ayn: Vulgar.

Billy: …It says “I woof you.”

Ayn: It is only your childish ignorance that allows you to believe in woof.

4th of July

Ayn: Happy Fourth of July, little Rand! Today commemorates the founding of the world’s great bastion of capitalism. We will celebrate in the most meaningful way possible. Hand me those fireworks.

Billy: Fireworks?

Ayn: Fireworks, Billy. A most thrilling display of human ingenuity and man’s dominance over nature.

Billy: I like fireworks because they’re pretty.

Ayn: For instance, if I am to point this small bottle rocket at that cluster of trees−

[Nearby forest bursts into flames.]

Billy: Oh my God!

Ayn: There is no God, Billy.


[Pulling up in car.]

Billy: Why do I have to go to Mom’s house for Thanksgiving again?  I want to stay with you and Martha!

Dan Rand: C’mon Billy. You know it’s part of the settlement…

Ayn: [popping up beside the car, with an axe in one hand and a live turkey in the other] Good to see you, Billy! Let us each say what we are most thankful for.

Billy: [frightened] Dad?

Ayn: [chopping off turkey’s head] I am thankful for cunning, Atlas Shrugged, and the death of Immanuel Kant!

Billy: I’m thankful for…

Ayn:  The death of Immanuel Kant? Your continued existence as a parasite upon my brilliance? The Fountainhead? Staying awake for days and days and days?

Billy: Dad!

Dan: Look, she’s not my problem anymore. I’ll see you on Tuesday.

Billy: This is the worst birthday ever.