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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 9- Issue 5

I know Eric Gamonal

May 1, 2000
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Have you met Eric Gamonal? He holds no office yet most senators like him. He dates few women but many find him irresistible. Friends he has many, as well as an ever-expanding pool of acquaintances. Often times I think of ways to make myself a well-liked and popular guy. Inevitably, I end up trying to emulate Eric Gamonal.

Eric Gamonal and I actually share much in common. He has read many American authors, I have read some American authors. He has the ability to sleep for literally dozens of hours at a time. I can sleep a good twelve or thirteen. He is very funny in public, I am funnier in private. He has connections to the illustrious Conor Moore, I have second and third hand connections to the illustrious Conor Moore. He’s white, I’m Asian. In fact, what I’ve realized is that I’m simply a downgraded model of Eric Gamonal. Call me the beta test.

It’s not like Gamonal is the best-looking guy in the world, either. Everything he has done, all the power he commands over legions of man, is achieved by the pure effort of his personality. This makes him all the more admirable: he is truly a man conceived of his own Platonic self-image.

What Gamonal has that I lack: confidence. Confidence, properly defined, is the ability to act like nothing is your fault in any given situation whilst maintaining absolute authority. Gamonal will do something wrong, but the blame slips right off, and in fact, somehow he’s come out ahead in the end. Properly defined, Gamonal is the archetypal pesky-mischievous yet irresistibly likable rogue-thief.

Example: Once, Gamonal tried to poison me. We were having some Cap’n Crunch, and I tasted something bitter in my mouth.

FRED: What kind of poison are you trying to feed me?
ERIC: (taking a deliberate, Gamonal-like turn of the head) Oh, that? (He points to the box with cocked wrist.) That’s poisonberry.

I really tried to hate him after that, but that poisonberry joke was flawless, especially since I got really sick. He even came to visit me at the hospital, which I thanked him profusely for.

Another Gamonal story: There was this other time, when I happened to be walking along Telegraph Avenue towards campus, when I suddenly felt a stabbing pain in my shoulder. I look back and notice there’s literally a fork in it. I look up and see Eric Gamonal.

FRED: What was that for?
ERIC: Hey, are you hungry?

So we went to Top Dog. He did end up buying me a Kielbasa though. I know he didn’t mean anything by it.

This other time, Gamonal just kept kicking me in the ass for no reason. And of course, he got away with it. I was so mad, no so much because my ass hurt and I was crying and humiliated and nearly dropped my lunch money, but because I hadn’t even thought of doing that to anyone, much less had the guts to pull it off. But that’s Eric. He’s got the confidence to have that sort of imagination. I’m mostly just glad I get to hang around with him, even if he does go a little crazy every once in a while. I just wish he’d share this crazy side with others.

Volume 9- Issue 5

Great Moments in Napster History

May 1, 2000

Mid-19th century: Cherokee Indians exchange war songs through intricate system of smoke signals. Shut down when Sitting Bull sues, demanding $100 and a buffalo pelvis for each of his songs traded in that manner.

1874: Karl Marx’s General Theory on Markets predicts rise of mp3 free exchange, outside boundaries of bourgeoisie infrastructure. Book is banned in Germany, England, and Motown.

September 24, 1999: A simple download of the Doogie Howser, M.D. theme song takes 37 hours for economically disadvantaged student connecting to Napster using wireless telegraph. Samuel Morse spins in his grave. (but only because his great-granddaughter marries an Irishman)

January 13, 2000: First Napster user has sufficient moxie to falsely claim his 14.4 modem’s connection speed as a “T3 or faster.”

July 13, 2000: Napster’s stock quadruples in first day after IPO, as investors gush over profit potential of free software, available from website completely devoid of advertising. Pending litigation from every single band and record company in America leaves investors salivating.

Volume 9- Issue 5

Why does Nobody Ever Want to Watch the Video of Me Beating Rush’n Attack?

May 1, 2000
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Growing up in Sweden, I realised a great many things about a great many people, including myself. I learned that no matter how tough you think you are, people can always hurt your feelings. For example, although I carry Mark Wilson’s Amateur Magic Kit with me everywhere, including the small fuzzy balls, the trick rope, and the marked cards, no one ever wants to see me tie a rope in a knot and then slide the knot off and throw it in the air and catch it in my mouth. That hurts. Especially since it takes me a good fifteen minutes to “set up,” magically speaking, every morning, just in case I do run across someone who wants to see a trick. But what hurts most of all is the fact that nobody, but nobody, ever wants to see the video I made of me beating the classic Nintendo game from Konami, Rush’n Attack.

In grade school people used to make fun of me for the special container I would port my daily beverage in. You try keeping breast milk fresh until the afternoon! High school and college weren’t much better. And now that I’m a successful assistant executive layout supervisor for ads in the yellow pages, I can’t get a single person to watch my video. I know that people at work notice and appreciate my work, but I have always hoped that someone at the office other than Mrs. Applesby would notice my artistic side, which comes out in the fonts I use (one time I even used the font “Hobo!”) Or how about the (admittedly automated) drop shadows I add?

It is precisely this artistic side which comes out in the video of me playing this, the hardest of NES games, and winning. You know, I’ll bet some people will play Rush’n Attack hundreds of times without noticing the clever pun in the name. Also, some friends have commented negatively on the repeating background. I have set them straight, however, pointing out that the repeating Siberian mountain-scape, for example, is a metaphor for like, monotony. Sometimes you have to spell things out for people, you know?

At parties, I try to segue into Rush’n Attack-related conversations, with varying degrees of success. The most common segue keywords are “Russians,” “video games,” “Konami,” “war,” or any references at all to the Japanese. My transitions are seamless, and I always end with “Can you believe they sent him inside the enemy’s compound with nothing but a knife? A knife! That’s democracy for you!” But people just aren’t appreciative of high-brow wit. And without fail, when I mention that I actually have the video on my person (!) no one wants to watch it. In any case, let me describe it for you.

It starts off with real Cold War footage of FDR, Stalin, and Mao. Then I inserted a clip from Citizen Kane, you know, the stormy shot of Hearst Castle, but just for effect. Then while the armed commando is jumping out of the helicopter, one hears a voiceover of me describing my mission and what I’m about to do. Most of the rest is straightforward. However, during one tense scene where it seems that my invincible star would run out before I reached the boss where the three guys on flying motorcycles throw grenades at our hapless commando, I dubbed in “Staying Alive” by the Bee Gees. I couldn’t help myself; I’m a born entertainer really. (I love to make people laugh too, for example, by exclaiming, “well, you sure smell like one,” winking, when they least expect it. But that’s another story.)

One time I was watching the video late at night and my doorbell rang. It was a pizza delivery boy with the wrong address. Naturally, I invited him in. “I’ll even pay for the pizza,” I offered. “JUST WATCH THE VIDEO!!!” He didn’t though. Am I surprised? Not really. He just didn’t have time, I suppose. While he stood there, I continually glanced nervously at the screen, because I was nearing the secret weapon, and though I have seen it a thousand times, and I know that I do manage to bring Peace at Last to the world, I always get anxious when it seems as though I won’t be able to detonate the secret weapon. (Between you and me, while Rush’n Attack is the hardest game ever created, the so-called “secret-weapon” at the end is frightfully easy to destroy.)

Other than the pizza-delivery debacle, my life really isn’t the wild rollercoaster it may seem. Sometimes, I wish I could just live in obscurity, like the blond-haired, blue-eyed masses. Maybe take an occasional trip to Venice, you know, that sort of thing. Instead, I must take my lot, and struggle as the artiste that I am. The agonising lows of being such are indeed an integral part of my lonely existence. But I do so wish that someone other than the random doorbell ringer in my life would take an interest in my video. After all, it is a really hard game, you know?

Volume 9- Issue 5

#2 Pencil Not Included

May 1, 2000

As part of its program to review and rate all of UC Berkeley’s offered courses so that nobody in the Greek System accidentally gets an education, the ASUC announced last week that it will be providing excerpts from the final exams of various popular courses. Allegedly, this will aid the student body in selecting more accurately those courses for which they already know the material, and will, in the words of ASUC President Patrick Campbell, “Allow me to recruit the entire Freshman class into government internships, thereby perpetuating the legacy of my largely directionless administration.”

The Squelch has obtained a copy of these excerpts, and provides them here for the purposes of, in the words of one staffer, “becoming popular and getting laid. Please?”

Course: Statistics 124 Professor: Sometimes

1) If the Jets are 5 point underdogs on the road against Denver, what is the probability that they’ll cover the spread.

Course: Middle Eastern Studies 110 (also listed under Geology 5) Professor: A. Rab

What is the most effective type of stone with which to maim or seriously injure an adulterous woman? Remember to consider the effects of the shape, size, and density of the stone, and the possible damping effects due to her clothing. Consider also the effects of evolution on the stone. You may ignore its effects on society.

Course: Zoology 5 (also listed under Business Management 30) Professor: O. MacDonald

1) Assume a (de-beaked, de-feathered, adult) chicken to measure 5 in. X 5 in. X 5 in. How many chickens can fit in a wire cage of dimensions 3 ft. X 3 ft. X 3 ft. without a loss in meat quality? You may assume they never spread their wings, nor move, nor attempt to peck out each others’ eyes with their beak-stumps. 2) You must give me the recipe for your roast chicken. It’s simply divine. How do you avoid it getting dry and stringy?

Course: Demography 175 Professor: R. Foxx

Where all the White women at?

Course: Math 140 Professor: H. H. Wu

Derive an expression for how much I hate you.

Course: Computer Science 13 Professor: A Pentium III with a Really Large Monitor

Within the two hours alotted, establish a congenial rapport with the person sitting next to you, without discussing programming, the Asian American Association, Lamda Phi Epsilon, your parents, or Acura Integras.

Course: Anything in Environmental Design Professor: It Doesn’t Matter. All any of them ever say is, “You have to figure that out on your own.”

Draw planet Earth on an atomic level using only your thumb and a cheese crouton. Redesign the Death Star with an emphasis on preventing all those nasty things that happened to it, and incorporating modern knowledge about recycling. Assuming a budget of $18.46, convert Evans Hall to the second ugliest building in the East Bay. Finally, take all your money to the nearest art supply store, and slip it into the mail slot. Then come back and we’ll give you the real final exam.

Course: Psychology 140 Developmental Psychology Professor: B. Spock Is this or is this not the cutest thing you have ever seen?

Course: Physics 105 Professor: B. Nye

Explain why, even in a frictionless environment free of air resistance, you’ll never ever ever be able to find a respectable, well-paying job in America’s commercial-based economy. Neglect fringe effects and effects due to the curvature of the earth.

Course: Cognitive Science 1 Professor: A. Turing

Just what in the hell is going on here?

Course: MCB 110 Professor: Staff

When prompted, twirl your pen around your thumb 500 times and then shove it into the ear of the student to your right.

Course: Nutritional Science 10 Professor: J. Craig

Discuss the “five-second rule” for food that has fallen onto the floor, utilizing the phrase, “God made dirt, and dirt don’t hurt.”

Course: Political Science 104 Professor: Staff

Copy the following sentence into the blank space provided: The only way democracy can work is with a two-party system.

Course: Geography 120 Professor: Staff

(field assignment) Beginning at the base camp, proceed ten paces north, twelve paces east, climb over the large rock, dig beneath the crossed palm trees and thar be yer treasure, matey. Arrrrrrr.

Course: Mass Communications 190 Professor: J. Johnson

What did you have for breakfast this morning? Explain. (Alternatively, you may list common breakfast foods.)

Volume 9- Issue 5

Man Not Comforted by Assurance That “There are Always Other Ayatollahs”

May 1, 2000
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Life isn’t as it used to be for 28-year old Adam Scroggy, who used to get his kicks conference calling two numbers and then staying quiet. Here is a transcript from his glory-days, ten years ago:

Ring, ring [phone rings]
Ayatollah Khomeini: Ayatollah speaking.
Salman Rushdie: Hello?
A.K: Yes, how can I help you?
S.R.: What do you mean? You called me.
A.K.: Do you think that’s funny? Really, I’m a busy man. I’ve got places to go, people to do. What do you want?
S.R.: Oh and I’m not busy, writing pretentious stories about how Britain is unlike India, and how India, conversely, is unlike Britain?
A.K.: Wait a minute: is this Salman Rushdie?
S.R.: Who wants to know? Ohhhhh, THAT Ayatollah. I knew you sounded familiar. Listen, stop calling me. It’s not funny anymore.
A.K: For the last time, you called me, you freak…

“Holding my breath, stifling an occasional snicker or hiccup, those were the days,” Scroggy remarked. “But now chat rooms are in; Rushdie’s free; and Khomeini’s dead. My friends tell me, ‘Don’t worry, Adam. There are always other Ayatollahs.’ But it’s just not the same.”

Volume 9- Issue 5

Chinese Publishing Firm Releases The Tao of Tao

“It’s a fuckin’ religion, people. Remember?”

May 1, 2000
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In the wake of the success in the West of several popular-culture books based on the ancient Chinese religion called “Taoism,” such as The Tao of Physics, The Tao of Symbols, and The Tao of Peace, and such light-hearted musings as The Tao of the Pooh and The Tao of Dow, the Chinese division of Harcourt-Brace has just released an emotionally charged book called The Tao of Tao. The author wishes to remind people that “Taoism is a religion, goddammit,” and that “Master Lao wouldn’t be pleased with all this post-modern hippie shit. How would you like it if we started publishing books called, Reds are From Mars, Experts are From Venus or The World According to Mao? That would fix your collective wagon(s).” He added that the teachings of Lao Tzu, the ancient sage of Taoism, are not a “trendy little trifle to glance at over the morning’s wretched smoothie. Especially if it’s got ginseng added to it.” In related news, the American division is soon to release The Tao of Ginseng Smoothies, certified by the Wisconsin Ginseng Board, with a coupon for a free ginseng smoothie.

Volume 9- Issue 5

Southside Resident “Probably” Assaulted

May 1, 2000
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A UC Berkeley student was “probably assaulted” last week while walking home to his or her Southside residence, Berkeley police told reporters today. Officers said the victim most likely described the suspect in a vague and unhelpful way, and stated that there is virtually no chance that the suspect will be caught, assuming there is a suspect.

According to the police report which has almost certainly been filed, the victim was walking in a place frighteningly near where you live, at a surprisingly early time of night that you’d think would be safe, when the suspect appeared, probably brandishing a pretty scary weapon of some sort. At this point, the suspect no doubt assaulted the victim and demanded something desirable, presumably money.

I haven’t really looked at any reports yet,” explained Berkeley police captain Bobby Miller, “But I think that’s a pretty safe bet, don’t you?”

Volume 9- Issue 5

Mad Scientist Emerges from Laboratory with New Wheel Design

May 1, 2000
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Doctor Klaus “White Knuckles” Dusseldorf shocked the world Monday when he emerged from his lab deep in the Swiss Alps with a potentially groundbreaking discovery: he claims to have re-invented the wheel. Looking haggard but confident outside of his laboratory, in front of a large gathering of the press, Dusseldorf proclaimed, “I have done what people have been sadly reluctant to do since the wheel was first invented 5000 years ago in Mesopotamia. I have re-designed it from the ground up, and the result is very exciting.” According to Dusseldorf, wheel design technology has advanced considerably in the past five millennia, but strong vested interests in the international wheel lobby have stifled innovation. “I’ve received death threats,” he said. “Apparently, someone is making a lot of money on the current wheel and doesn’t appreciate my efforts.” Asked to describe his new wheel design, Dusseldorf was less forthcoming. “It’s not completely unlike a mobius-strip, but then again, if you said ‘Wow! That thing looks like Medusa’s head fucked a Fender Stratocaster,’ I wouldn’t think you were completely nuts either.”