#2 Pencil Not Included

As part of its program to review and rate all of UC Berkeley’s offered courses so that nobody in the Greek System accidentally gets an education, the ASUC announced last week that it will be providing excerpts from the final exams of various popular courses. Allegedly, this will aid the student body in selecting more accurately those courses for which they already know the material, and will, in the words of ASUC President Patrick Campbell, “Allow me to recruit the entire Freshman class into government internships, thereby perpetuating the legacy of my largely directionless administration.”

The Squelch has obtained a copy of these excerpts, and provides them here for the purposes of, in the words of one staffer, “becoming popular and getting laid. Please?”

Course: Statistics 124 Professor: Sometimes

1) If the Jets are 5 point underdogs on the road against Denver, what is the probability that they’ll cover the spread.

Course: Middle Eastern Studies 110 (also listed under Geology 5) Professor: A. Rab

What is the most effective type of stone with which to maim or seriously injure an adulterous woman? Remember to consider the effects of the shape, size, and density of the stone, and the possible damping effects due to her clothing. Consider also the effects of evolution on the stone. You may ignore its effects on society.

Course: Zoology 5 (also listed under Business Management 30) Professor: O. MacDonald

1) Assume a (de-beaked, de-feathered, adult) chicken to measure 5 in. X 5 in. X 5 in. How many chickens can fit in a wire cage of dimensions 3 ft. X 3 ft. X 3 ft. without a loss in meat quality? You may assume they never spread their wings, nor move, nor attempt to peck out each others’ eyes with their beak-stumps. 2) You must give me the recipe for your roast chicken. It’s simply divine. How do you avoid it getting dry and stringy?

Course: Demography 175 Professor: R. Foxx

Where all the White women at?

Course: Math 140 Professor: H. H. Wu

Derive an expression for how much I hate you.

Course: Computer Science 13 Professor: A Pentium III with a Really Large Monitor

Within the two hours alotted, establish a congenial rapport with the person sitting next to you, without discussing programming, the Asian American Association, Lamda Phi Epsilon, your parents, or Acura Integras.

Course: Anything in Environmental Design Professor: It Doesn’t Matter. All any of them ever say is, “You have to figure that out on your own.”

Draw planet Earth on an atomic level using only your thumb and a cheese crouton. Redesign the Death Star with an emphasis on preventing all those nasty things that happened to it, and incorporating modern knowledge about recycling. Assuming a budget of $18.46, convert Evans Hall to the second ugliest building in the East Bay. Finally, take all your money to the nearest art supply store, and slip it into the mail slot. Then come back and we’ll give you the real final exam.

Course: Psychology 140 Developmental Psychology Professor: B. Spock Is this or is this not the cutest thing you have ever seen?

Course: Physics 105 Professor: B. Nye

Explain why, even in a frictionless environment free of air resistance, you’ll never ever ever be able to find a respectable, well-paying job in America’s commercial-based economy. Neglect fringe effects and effects due to the curvature of the earth.

Course: Cognitive Science 1 Professor: A. Turing

Just what in the hell is going on here?

Course: MCB 110 Professor: Staff

When prompted, twirl your pen around your thumb 500 times and then shove it into the ear of the student to your right.

Course: Nutritional Science 10 Professor: J. Craig

Discuss the “five-second rule” for food that has fallen onto the floor, utilizing the phrase, “God made dirt, and dirt don’t hurt.”

Course: Political Science 104 Professor: Staff

Copy the following sentence into the blank space provided: The only way democracy can work is with a two-party system.

Course: Geography 120 Professor: Staff

(field assignment) Beginning at the base camp, proceed ten paces north, twelve paces east, climb over the large rock, dig beneath the crossed palm trees and thar be yer treasure, matey. Arrrrrrr.

Course: Mass Communications 190 Professor: J. Johnson

What did you have for breakfast this morning? Explain. (Alternatively, you may list common breakfast foods.)