APPLYING FOR A JOB
Interviewer: Very nice, and your master’s degree was from Wesleyan as well?
Middle School Girl: Yes, sir.
Interviewer: Hmm, I think I’m missing the part of your resume where you list who asked you to the 7th grade dance.
Middle School Girl: I… didn’t go to the 7th grade dance.
Interviewer: I see. Well, we’ll keep your name on file, thanks for coming in.
Middle School Girl: …
Interviewer: Naturally, we’ll be telling all this to your elementary school friends who moved away; it’s standard procedure.
AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
Doctor: Mrs. Finneker, Mr. Finneker, I don’t know how to tell you this exactly, but… we found out why you haven’t been able to conceive. Jennifer, you have a rare uterine disorder—
Shrieking Tween Girls: OH MY GOD JENNY HASN’T HAD HER PERIOD YET CAN YOU BELIEVE IT.
RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION
Reporter: Congresswoman, I’m Dan Hayes of CBS News. Question: Why should the voters send you back to Washington for a third term?
Middle School Girl: I raised the child tax credit, secured funding to build the causeway, protected the marshlands from developers interested in–
Reporter: What do you say to the breaking news that Stephanie DeMarco will run against you, and that she’s more popular than you?
Middle School Girl: Is she still dating the captain of the lacrosse team?
Reporter: Uh huh.
Middle School: Oh my god I’m going to lose.
BLOOD DONATION
Nurse: Thank you for agreeing to save a life today. We just need to ask you a few routine questions. Have you ever used intravenous drugs?
Middle School Girl: No.
Nurse: Have you ever engaged in unprotected sex for money?
Middle School Girl: No I haven’t.
Nurse: Have you ever eaten lunch alone in the bathroom in 7th grade?
Middle School Girl: [Cries]
Nurse: Sorry, you should… you should probably go.
GOING TO COLLEGE
Middle School Girl: Wow, college is nothing like middle school!
College Student: That’s right. Here, no one is popular because they’re pretty or have nice clothes. We like people who are smart and shy.
Middle School Girl: This place is perfect!
College Student: Oh wait, you know how to kiss a boy, right?
Middle School Girl: Well, um…
College Student: Never mind.
9/1 Got my bid for Alpha Phi Omega community service frat today. Guess I’m a “bro” now. Just bought my first pair of sunglasses!
9/23 It’s tough being a bro. The fast times, the women, the endless hours of mind-numbing community service. Actually, I’m starting to think it’s probably just the last one.
10/5 We don’t technically have a chartered house yet, but we tear it up every weekend at the community rec center. We get a lot of girls comin’ around too. And middle aged men in exercise clothes.
10/7 The rumors about hazing totally aren’t true! All I had to do to get initiated was fill out a few forms. Although they did make me admit to being a virgin before confirming I was eligible to donate blood.
10/11 Apparently those girls are in the frat too. Can I still try to sleep with them if we’re all brothers?
10/15 Threw a sick party last night! We all got really sick after volunteering at the hospital. Man, everyone was throwing up at that party.
10/19 None of the girls in the frat will go out with me because I’m too much of a “player.” Might have start to playing less WoW if I want to get a girlfriend.
10/21Got trashed with the brothers at the Strawberry Creek Cleanup. Nothing like getting covered in trash to make you feel like you’re really working hard! Wish we could’ve recycled though.
10/22 I finally scored last night! My very first goal. Looks like I’m getting better at broomball. Which is good because participation is mandatory.
10/25 Got a bunch of new pledges at Fall Rush today! I think that’s what it’s called when you hand out flyers on Sproul. I also pledged three more frats and became a Jew for Jesus. I love college!
Dear Campus Community,
We are writing to address a disturbing new trend on campus. You may have heard rumors about a few incidents involving student safety, and we want to assure you that the problem is under control. We are taking the reports of attacks on students very seriously, and we are sorry to report that many of the rumors regarding recent campus events are true. We have indeed confirmed the sightings of magical creatures, including trolls, pixies and malicious djinn. Graduate students of the occult have traced these disturbances to a planar rift located in Evans Hall, which has long been known to attract the Damned. Thankfully, our janitorial witches have nearly shut this latest portal. The creatures from beyond will, in due time, retreat to the Nether.
In the meantime, campus security officials are hard at work ensuring the safety of students and their firstborn children. For the next ten days, students may collect an allotment of holy water from the Cal 1 Kiosk, which will help repel the swarms of harpies that have been looting the Golden Bear Market. Later this week, campus police plan to conduct a series of raids on the tribe of wendigo that have taken up residence in the basement of Dwinelle Hall, as their ear-splitting shrieks and bloodthirsty raids on classrooms make normal instruction difficult. For their own protection, students are advised to break up their silhouettes by wearing striped clothing, which will confuse the vicious but colorblind owl-bears. As for the unicorns, they have done little more harm than eating the rare plants at the Botanical Gardens. We expect the Oakland Zoo to contain the situation within the week, though we advise students not to get too close to their sharp, poisonous horns.
On a more regrettable note, we are greatly disturbed by the unauthorized vigilante efforts of some students. While a healthy amount of vampire-slaying is important to campus discourse, unbridled, it only undermines our attempts to foster a safe learning environment. We discourage students, in the strongest terms, from joining adventuring parties not pre-approved by the Office of Student Conduct. If even one member of your guild is caught damaging campus property or breaking our quarantine of Northside, you may all be subject to disciplinary action. If you feel that you must address the issue, be sure to register with The Office of the Chancellor, and you will receive your questing permit and key-card access to the campus armory within 9-12 days.
As we are working through these problems, please continue attending classes as usual, even if you suspect that your professor has been replaced by a doppelgänger, infested by a moth-man, or taken by a wight. If any of these is the case and you survive the semester with your soul intact, you have the option of receiving an Incomplete grade and retaking the course during a more cosmically stable semester.
We appreciate your support during these difficult times. We also hope you agree that these unnatural circumstances justify a small additional stipend, for myself and the UC Regents, in order to subsidize our exorcisms. We expect to preserve the quality of our education and the lives of our remaining students well into the future.
Sincerely,
Robert J. Birgeneau,
Chancellor
Cinderella
Prince Squarejaw: I was very clear about my proclivities when we first met. I don’t know why this is suddenly a problem.
Cinderella: I’m willing to indulge his little quirks every now and then, but maybe we don’t have to play with my feet every time we make love.
Dr. Grimm: Compromise is important in every aspect of a relationship. Maybe some nights, you could do the things Cinderella wants to do?
Prince Squarejaw: It’s not like I’m ignoring her. We tried the whole forcing her to wash the floors thing. I’m really not that comfortable bossing her around.
Cinderella: How many times do I have to tell you, honey? Orphan play excites me.
Dr. Grimm: I think we’re really getting somewhere, but our time is up for today.
Prince Squarejaw: Quiet, peasant!
Mama and Papa Bear
Mama: Well I like a soft bed, but Jim needed a firmer mattress after he threw out his back at work–
Papa: Oh here you go, blaming the job again.
Dr. Grimm: And this is when you started sleeping in separate beds?
Papa: So that’s why we’re here, huh? How can she expect me to be intimate with her when she’s so damn passive aggressive? Everything is too hot or too cold. Nothing is ever just right!
Dr. Grimm: We don’t make judgments here, remember? We use “I feel” language, not “you are” language.
Papa: Fine! I feel she trapped me in this marriage when she had a baby bear. I feel she should stop leaving the door unlocked, so vagrants stop coming in and eating our porridge. And I feel that marrying someone with the exact opposite taste in absolutely everything was a mistake!
Mama: Well maybe if you liked it hard in the one way that matters, I could feel something.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
Snow White: Doctor, you just don’t understand our love.
Dr. Grimm: Miss White, I have no problem with your orientation as a little person fetishist. But don’t you think that a polyamorous octagon might be a little unhealthy given that you only recently recovered from your coma? I don’t even know how you all found each other.
Grumpy: It’s called the Internet, doc.
Doc: Pardon? You wanted something?
Sneezy: ACHEW!
Grumpy: No! Not you, Doc, that idiot over there.
Dopey: I don’ know why every ‘un is mad at me.
Dr. Grimm: Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. You there, in the corner. You’ve been quiet this whole time. Do you have anything you’d like to add?
Bashful: …I don’t like…the anal play…
Rumpelstiltskin
Dr. Grimm: You two are here to work on your trust issues, remember? At the very least, I’m going to have to know your name.
Rumpelstiltskin: Mayhaps a bargain we can make?
I’ll tell all – if you guess my name.
My trust will ne’er be yours to take,
For I’m too clever at this game!
Miller’s Daughter: He’s always like this. Do you know the first thing he did when we met? He demanded a baby.
Dr. Grimm: Enough with the bizarre rap-riddles. You’ll have to open up if we’re going to get anywhere.
Miller’s Daughter: Honey. Please. If you love me, listen to the man.
Rumpelstiltskin: Too deep, too buried lies the key
In memories of fear and gin
When Uncle got too fresh with me,
And yelled my name, Rumpelstiltsk—FUCK!!! I can’t believe I make this same goddamned mistake every time. Maybe I do need some help.
Dr. Grimm: We’re making remarkable progress for just a few stanzas.
Little Red Riding Hood
Big Bad Wolf: Come on Red, don’t be like that. You know I love you, baby.
Little Red Riding Hood: No Wolfy, I’m putting my hood down. You come home at all hours of the night, and I keep smelling other girls’ pastries on your breath. It’s all too much for me.
Big Bad Wolf: You’re seeing someone else, aren’t you? It’s that damn woodcutter, isn’t it? I knew it, I fucking knew it!
Dr. Grimm: Mr. Wolf, this is a safe space. If you don’t sit down, I will be forced to hit you on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
