- Nothing. Let your new dog do all the talking.
- “So … um … I guess I’ll … see you around then. Yeah.”
- “The last five dogs took this way better than you’re taking it, you big baby.”
- “Dry those tears,
Author Archives: The Squelch
Marine World
A Day with the Animals
Dolphin
“Yeah, we’re smart. Holy shit, we’re so fucking smart. How fucking smart are we? I’ll tell you this, we wouldn’t pay a hundred fifty bucks to swim with humans.
“You know what we think about when you’re here in … Read More
Top Ten Non-Pornographic Porno Movies
- All Aural ActionGA$A3 Hearing Solutions Presents: Ear Pirates II
- Playboy Presents: Playboy Corporation’s Fiscal Report 2001
- Jungle Fever: Malaria
- Lesbian Prisoners in Solitary
- Housewives That Set a Decent Example VII
- Inhibition
- Girls Gone to Sleep
- Boys Avoiding Boys
- Deep Thought
I Can’t Believe You Still Don’t Own a Copy of <i>Shrek</i>
Thanks for reading the Squelch, and remember to pick up a copy of Shrek, now available everywhere on video and DVD. Like bacon cheeseburgers? You’ll also want a delicious copy of Shrek, available on the way home … Read More
February’s Squelly Girls
Proving once and for all the age-old axiom, “There are lots of hot girls and good drinks at Blake’s on Telegraph,” Squelly Girls Casey Le Jeune and Joanna Jen debut their newfound talents in the art of Mixology. Recently, the … Read More
Apartment Vaguely Smells Like Gas
Berkeley resident and UC student Gil Hendricks returned last week from winter break to his apartment which, for unknown reasons, sort of smells vaguely like gas.
“I don’t know. Do you smell that?” Hendricks asked companions as he wandered through … Read More
Guy In <i>Lord of the Rings</i> Also Guy From <i>The Matrix</i>
An audible murmur passed through the audience at a recent screening of The Lord of the Rings when all four hundred moviegoers simultaneously realized that Hugo Weaving, playing Elrond in the fantasy screen adaptation, is the guy who played Agent … Read More
Diary of a Penis Artist
Day 1: Wednesday
My teeth were clamped down in the midst of a large bowel movement when the idea came to me. No longer will people stare into the bleak polished door of the dormitory stall without a source of … Read More
Cosplayer Loosely Resembles Anime Character
Leslie Carpenter, or Carpento-chan, as she is known among friends and online acquaintances, appreared at Santa Clara’s Fanime-Con “Der Cosplay” Masquerade event bearing a striking near-resemblance to the character Ayanami Rei from the popular Japanese anime Neon Genesis Evangelion. And … Read More
Words from the Top
Ba-Boon to Humanity
The methods used to judge the worthiness of a potential mate has grown into a convoluted tortured science that is incomprehensible to suitors themselves. Single men and women gather in remote bars, homes, and vacated warehouses to practice obscure ritualistic … Read More
