-
Orange County
-
Casserole Damage
- Rollergumball
- In the Kitchen
- Not Another Teen Smoothie
- I Am Yam
- Kate & Neopolitan
- Black Berry Down
- A Beautiful Rind
- Lord of the Onion Rings
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Ways to Scare the Red Cross From Ever Asking You to Donate Blood Again.
- In little kid voice: “Once … this time … once upon this time … I…once ….this time…I fucked my dog.”
- “Puck, Why you steeeck your fingers in my pee-a-nut butter?”
- “Can I have the needle when you’re finished with it?”
Words from the Top
Ba-Boon to Humanity
The methods used to judge the worthiness of a potential mate has grown into a convoluted tortured science that is incomprehensible to suitors themselves. Single men and women gather in remote bars, homes, and vacated warehouses to practice obscure ritualistic … Read More
Cosplayer Loosely Resembles Anime Character
Leslie Carpenter, or Carpento-chan, as she is known among friends and online acquaintances, appreared at Santa Clara’s Fanime-Con “Der Cosplay” Masquerade event bearing a striking near-resemblance to the character Ayanami Rei from the popular Japanese anime Neon Genesis Evangelion. And … Read More
Diary of a Penis Artist
Day 1: Wednesday
My teeth were clamped down in the midst of a large bowel movement when the idea came to me. No longer will people stare into the bleak polished door of the dormitory stall without a source of … Read More
Guy In <i>Lord of the Rings</i> Also Guy From <i>The Matrix</i>
An audible murmur passed through the audience at a recent screening of The Lord of the Rings when all four hundred moviegoers simultaneously realized that Hugo Weaving, playing Elrond in the fantasy screen adaptation, is the guy who played Agent … Read More
Apartment Vaguely Smells Like Gas
Berkeley resident and UC student Gil Hendricks returned last week from winter break to his apartment which, for unknown reasons, sort of smells vaguely like gas.
“I don’t know. Do you smell that?” Hendricks asked companions as he wandered through … Read More
I Can’t Believe You Still Don’t Own a Copy of <i>Shrek</i>
Thanks for reading the Squelch, and remember to pick up a copy of Shrek, now available everywhere on video and DVD. Like bacon cheeseburgers? You’ll also want a delicious copy of Shrek, available on the way home … Read More
Confessions of the Colorblind
Though it affects millions of Americans, colorblindness is given short shrift by the mainstream “differently-abled” population. As many of you surely don’t know, colorblindness is a recessive trait that is much more common in men, though women can suffer from … Read More
Top Ten Things to Say to a Dog You’re Abandoning When It Keeps Looking at You Like That
- Nothing. Let your new dog do all the talking.
- “So … um … I guess I’ll … see you around then. Yeah.”
- “The last five dogs took this way better than you’re taking it, you big baby.”
- “Dry those tears,
