- Sex God, where this King of the Gods has to turn into a swan so this chick will do him
- Sex Bomb, where this guy has to build an IED so these 72 virgins will do him
- Sex Pistols, where
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top One Articles of Clothing Made Out of Accessories Inspired by Founding Principles of our Union
- Purse-Suit of happieness
Whitman Concedes After Learning Mexicans Can Vote
A bewildered-looking Meg Whitman resigned from the gubernatorial race on Monday, citing her recent discovery that Latin-Americans constitute more than a third of the state’s eligible voters. Whitman had expected to handily carry the white vote, ignoring the presence of … Read More
A Guide to College Drinking
Many people drink in college, but few are true connoisseurs. Lucky for you, however, the entire staff of the Heuristic Squelch belongs to the alcoholic elité. Allow us to break down a few of the finer points of collegiate beverages.… Read More
Statue of Liberty Aggressively Remodeled to Reflect Modern American Values
WASHINGTON–The U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill late last Tuesday that provides 1.3 million dollars towards a renovation of the Statue of Liberty. Reconstruction will center around replacing the iconic tablet held in the statue’s left hand with a … Read More
Magick Security Alert
Dear Campus Community,
We are writing to address a disturbing new trend on campus. You may have heard rumors about a few incidents involving student safety, and we want to assure you that the problem is under control. We … Read More
Berkeley Scientists Successfully Synthesize Nothing
In a press conference last Tuesday, scientists from the Yu-Kavinsky Research Group at UC Berkeley announced that they have successfully created nothing. The research lasted six years and required several million dollars of university funds.
“This is a major breakthrough … Read More
Rescued Chilean Miners Can Finally Return to Poverty
This weekend, after ten weeks trapped underground, 33 Chilean miners were finally brought back to the surface, and to the crushing destitution of being a Chilean miner.
“It was the longest vacation of my adult life,” said Victor Gómez, one … Read More
Top Ten Video Games About Retirement
- Swing Band
- Final Hours Fantasy
- Sonic the Couch-hog
- A Living Link To The Past
- Parappa the Washup
- Dr. Mario, Emeritus
- Yoshi’s Life Story
- Donkey Kong Country Club
- Matroid Way Past Prime
- Star Fox, 64
Top Ten Signs that Berkeley is Located on the Hellmouth
- Flyerers unfazed when you call them “Satan.”
- Students are all brimstoned.
- Homeless speak in tongues.
- Christian Fellowships try to get you off campus.
- Horny GSI’s.
- Dark passages that extend deep underground.
- Hellishly overprice textbooks.
- Pale, nocturnal creatures sometimes emerge from
