- Trial by jury.
- Christmas, Hanukkah, Commercialism
- Growing up, you dorks.
- A unitary autocratic dictatorship.
- Embryo, fetus, baby
- Chicken, egg, chicken, no wait….
- Christian, Jew, Muslim
- Mossimo, Stussy, No Fear
- White, Black, Asian
- Russian roulette.
Author Archives: The Squelch
Second Oldest American Just Wants to Die Already
113-year old John McMorran lives a quiet life, having long since lost the powers of sight and hearing, as well as being bedridden since the age of 100. McMorran spends his days in a world of unfathomable boredom, except for … Read More
Raleigh’s Introduces New Theme Night
After losing business every night of the week to other Southside bars that offer cheap drinks in large quantities to college students, self-described “American Pub and Grill,” Raleigh’s, has announced their new binge-drinking theme night, “Come Drink a lot at … Read More
Survey Results Released
In a recent study of humor, Berkeley researchers found that the average American would describe the Holocaust’s comedic value as “not all that funny.”
“Six million is a whole lotta Jews,” remarked study organizer Isaac Browne.
Other phenomena that earned … Read More
Top Ten Money Flavored Candies
- Sacagaweamacallits
- Mars Bars of Gold
- Reese’s Pieces of Eight
- Mounds of Cash
- Abbazabillion dollars
- Peppermint Pennies
- Kit Ka$h
- Rolo Quarters
- Jujudimes
- Snickels
Top Ten Things to do on a Rainy Day
- Sit by the fireplace and read
- Snort RainBlo
- Get wet
- Steal garbage bags from hobos
- Wipe sweat off brow
- Wear pink blouse, stand outside, be Kirsten Dunst
- Impromptu baptism
- Go outside and masturbate (in the rain)
- Stay at home and
Top Ten Ways you know it’s Winter in Berkeley
- Anti-freeze in bong water
- Pool supply stores looted less often
- It actually gets even colder, breaking all laws of physics
- Air-conditioners kick in
- The homeless die
- Significant Campanile shrinkage
- SJP occupies warmer building
- Nudists wear sock
- Girls in skirts don’t
Top Ten Reasons the University won’t give you your Degree
- Underwater basketweaving prereq. not met
- For your own good
- “Readin’ Stuff” not an approved major. Yet.
- The library wants their book back
- Because you’re sponsored by Old Spice
- They did, it was in Kelvin
- 119.5 units
- The “chalk dust incident”
Top Ten Other Ways you know Santa’s from Stanford
- Fucks reindeer
- Only gives rich kids good presents
- Dates ugly chicks
- Segregates weaker toys
- Runs over grandmas with reindeer
- Prefers to stay out of politics
- Only got to be Santa ’cause Daddy was Santa
- Fat, white, and ugly
- Masturbates 8
Top Five Uses for the Foreskin
- Eye-patch
- Put it back on to scare girls when they go down on you
- Cure for pink eye
- Keep it as a “Hooded Avenger” costume for your penis
- Replacement for salmon in a rainbow roll