The fragile remains of local auto mechanic and Vietnam veteran Jacob Renwood’s feeble grasp on reality disintegrated Thursday night during a commercial for a Vietnam-themed video game. “It brought me back,” sobbed Renwood, lamenting his lost youth, “you know, to … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
From the Desk of Michael Spaden III
Dear Heirs and Heiresses,
Thank you for coming to the reading of my will. My lawyer, Bill Edmonds, will be conducting the reading, and is legally obliged to read every word. Since I never liked Bill: shitsucker! I, Bill Edmonds, … Read More
Dog Analogous to Capitalism
Local dog Fido Proletariat achieved the dream of dogs and men alike yesterday, managing to catch his own tail for the first time after years of effort. Upon initially biting the tail, Fido growled with intense satisfaction and ground the … Read More
Top Ten 1950s Rappers
- Young Polite Bastard
- MC Carthy
- Shoop Dogg
- Da Segregated
- 5 Cent
- Gladys Knight and the Crips
- Ice Boxx
- Desi Arnizzle
- Buddy Holla
- Bling Cro$by
Top Ten Second-rate Magic Tricks
- The Magic of Reading
- Contracting HIV but maintaining a high T-cell count
- Removing grape juice from a carpet with Oxy-Clean
- Turning a half-full glass of water into a half-empty glass of water
- Levitating a Hovercraft
- Reading your own mind
- Unzipping
Top Five Song Lyrics Rejected by Johnny Cash for Not Being Tough Enough
- “My daddy left home when I was three / He came back home later that day, but still”
- “Because you’re mine / I walk across the street when instructed by the sign”
- “Daddy sang bass / Other daddy sang tenor”
Top Ten Scientist Pickup Lines
- “Damn Yolanda, you must be a quantum singularity, because I’m drawn to your black hole.”
- “You’re like a carbon molecule, ’cause every part of me wants to bond with you.”
- “I’m like Schroedinger’s cat, because every time you look at
Top Ten Disney Blaxploitation Films
- Sambi
- Aladdin Jones
- Finding Nee-fro
- The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh and This Huge Black Guy Who Hates White People
- Snow Honkey and the Seven Jive Turkeys
- The Foxy Bitch and the Hound
- Black Beauty and the Beast
- The
Top Eight Election-themed Gay Porno Movies
- A Brazilian Lacrosse Team Jacks Off on Lyndon LaRouche’s Face
- Moderated Masturdebates: The 90-second Rebuttal
- Cock the Vote
- Teabagging the Carpetbagger: A Night with Alan Keyes
- Big Swinging Caucuses
- Only Bob Dole’s Right Arm Is Limp
- The Erectoral College
- Hung
Top Ten Most Comfortable Ways to Die
- Extremely mild leukemia
- Spooning a bear
- Dehydration from relentless oral sex
- Metaphorically
- Being shot in a Brookstone massage chair
- Eaten by toothless dinosaur
- Choking on feathers
- A car accident, while reclining and drinking a non-poisonous beer
- Drinking a poisonous beer
