LC
Palazzo Apartments, #205. El Cerrito
Satisfied regulars describe LC’s weed as “dank” and “where are my keys.” Service is “butt-slow,” however; calling an hour ahead is recommended “so he can wake up and answer the door.” Also, closed from … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Five Worst Ways to Plan Your Vacation
- Mardi Gras
- Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego?
- Be all you can be
- Ask your parole officer for advice
- Based itinerary on Oscar-nominated films; only saw Hotel Rwanda
O Canada!
As a Canadian living in America, I have come to realize that you guys know next to nothing about your neighbors to the north, nor do you express any desire to know us. What, you think you’re better than us … Read More
Top Ten Signs your Boyfriend is a Zombie
- Cheated on you with your sister … who’s been dead for 15 years
- Spices up sex with strawberries, syrup, and cow brains
- id software keeps asking him to come in for some motion-capture sessions
- Picnic in cemetery on first date,
Top Ten Scheizer Films
- Stools Rush In
- Poop fiction
- Jackie Brown
- Cool Runnings
- The Diarrhea of Anne Frank
- Forrest Dump
- Duck Poop
- Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
- Shit Happened One Night
- Shitizen Kane
Top Five Things Chewbacca has Mistaken for a Female Wookie and Had Sex With
- A male wookie
- Robin Williams
- Three ewoks standing on each other’s shoulders
- Shag carpeting
- A throw rug
Top Ten Toilet Training Methods of the Future
- Just tell the little fucker to Google it
- Additional instruction on removing your spiky shoulder pads and unitard
- Exactly as you would do it today, BUT YOU’RE IN THE MATRIX
- What, you’re telling me you don’t know how to use
“Finally! A Beer For My Active Lifestyle!”
Picture this: You’re casually practicing volleyball at a Malibu beach court with your handsome heterosexual best friend, Chet, discussing the subjects that every straight man thinks about: girls, highlighter shorts, the proper form for a leg press, watching football, and … Read More
Top Ten Worst Excuses for Cannibalism
- Stuck in the superdome in the rain
- Mushrooms
- When was anyone gonna tell me what an Ethiopian steak was?
- It’s the only thing that goes with this wine
- Took the pet name muffin too far
- Bastard ate your last slice
Top Three Failed Self-help Books Written by Kobe Bryant
- Please, please, like me again
- It’s your fault you got raped, and how to deal with it
- A guide to surprise sex
