- Peter Parkinson’s and Spider-Maningitis
- Genital Mono
- Whatever you get from sleeping with Jessica Alba
- Alzheimer’s if you recently watched your family be mauled by tigers
- That type of cancer that makes you crap Beanie Babies
- Tickle-Cell Anemia
- HIV Negative
- The
Author Archives: The Squelch
Murder! in Five Easy Steps
Put your flared pants back into the closet and shut off that T-mobile Sidekick, because murder is the hot new trend this summer season. In this authoritative guide, we’ll hold your hand from the first time you “inadvertently” push someone … Read More
Words From the Top
Head Bang Me
My life is pretty much da bomb. I’m not only wealthy, but I have plenty of money and am not poor. Yes, you could say I have absolutely everything a human being could ever possibly need for a lifetime of … Read More
WORLD: Middle East Peace Process Totally Fucked
With Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s life hanging in the balance at Hadassah Hospital in Jerusalem, the Mid-East Peace Process is fucked. And I don’t mean “you scratched mom’s new car” fucked, I mean “you accidentally dumped that whole ounce … Read More
Cool Diseases
The difference between being a cool guy with herpes and a loser with herpes is all in the transmission. This guide will help explain the cool and uncool ways to get a disease.
Mono
Uncool way to get it: Sharing … Read More
President Cries in a Corner
President Bush’s feelings were seriously injured this week when his NSA Domestic Surveillance Program intercepted hundreds of libelous emails defaming the president’s character. The majority of the offending letters were found to be circulating through West Wing offices.
“These are … Read More
Excerpts from The Bible’s DVD Commentary Track
[opening credits]
Producer: Of course in retrospect it seems totally obvious, but I remember we agonized for a while about casting God.
Director: And then–it was our casting director Jerry, I think–he brought up the idea of just … Read More
My Christmas With Cobra
Since my parents were recently killed by wolves in a tragic boating accident, I didn’t have anywhere to go for the holidays. I didn’t want to do retail or customer service, so I entered a winter internship program for the … Read More
Top Ten Pornographic Movies Featuring Sex with a Miner
- Squat Claimers
- Silt on My Face
- Two in the Pinkerton
- Mother Loads
- Snow White and the Seven Dwarves: Uncensored
- The Further Adventures of John Shovel-Cock
- Sluice Boxes, Loose Foxes and Moose Cockses (illegal in US)
- Sluice Boxes and Loose Foxes
Howard Stern Moves to Satellite
After a brief hiatus from the airwaves, DJ Howard Stern returned to radio on the Sirius Satellite Network. Media analysts expected Stern’s millions of loyal viewers to make the switch to satellite radio, but the superstar shock jock’s reception was … Read More
