- Being ten minutes late for class is no problem; we call it “Berkeley time.”
- Your Cal ID card can be used for one free rental at Blockbuster.
- You can always ask for a take-home final exam instead of an in-class
Author Archives: The Squelch
Sports Quickies
Isiah Thomas Appoints His Horse President of Basketball Operations Local media was quick to question the surprise move, suggesting the horse lacks both the experience and bathroom training necessary to manage a major NBA franchise, but Thomas and the horse … Read More
Wal-Mart Enters into Heroin Retail Market
Wal-Mart today announced its plans to begin selling heroin in its 1,146 Wal-Mart stores, 2,098 Supercenters, 567 SAM’S CLUBS and 107 Neighborhood Markets in the United States.
“Wal-Mart sells a lot of shit, you know? Well, why not heroin? That … Read More
In Other News
Iran Agrees to Nuclear Talks, Bombings
Lieberman Won’t Let Defeat Stop His Mission of Groveling Before Republicans
Supreme Court Okays Gay Marriage, Eating Babies
Oil Prices Drop, Cost of Barrels Skyrockets… Read More
Area Woman Clearly Wanted to be Raped, Murdered
Alameda Police have recently taken into custody a Mr. Les Warner, confessed nymphokilliac and cannibal. Though charged with over 50 different capital offenses, Warner was quick to release a public statement claiming all of his actions stem from simple misunderstandings.… Read More
Top Ten Signs Your Professor is an Illegal Immigrant
- The reader is all Cesar Chavez
- Responds poorly to your racist humor
- Hired him at a home depot parking lot
- Runs across Telegraph with entire family in tow
- Doesn’t have tenure
- Got his PHD in dry walling
- Smiles politely and
So Now You’re in Purgatory
A Pamphlet
Hello!
Welcome to
Purgatory!
You probably have a lot of questions, for instance:
- Why am I here?
- Who are you?
- Why did you take my shoes?
- And just what is purgatory anyway?
First and foremost, Congratulations on not going to
Top Ten Reasons to Grow a Beard
- It’s cold. And you’re a child molester
- When you were five a razor killed your father
- Pink chin the pirate sounds too pussy
- President of the female Viking student association
- President of the Viking student association
- Rogaine addiction
- Your name
Jack Bauer Pauses to Poop
At 7:24 PM and 28 seconds past the minute, Counter-Terrorist Agent Jack Bauer interrupted his pursuit of international terrorists because he had to poop. Bauer, a five time recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom and wanted in 18 countries … Read More
Top Ten Christian Breakfast Cereals
- Cinnamon Toast Christ
- Let He Who is Without Sin Cast the First Fruity Pebble
- Life … begins at conception
- Safeway Generic Brand Moses Bits
- Corn Popes
- Smart Start is Bible School
- Count Chocula Does Not Exist
- Total Exorcism
- Honey Bunches
