Isiah Thomas Appoints His Horse President of Basketball Operations Local media was quick to question the surprise move, suggesting the horse lacks both the experience and bathroom training necessary to manage a major NBA franchise, but Thomas and the horse … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Area Woman Clearly Wanted to be Raped, Murdered
Alameda Police have recently taken into custody a Mr. Les Warner, confessed nymphokilliac and cannibal. Though charged with over 50 different capital offenses, Warner was quick to release a public statement claiming all of his actions stem from simple misunderstandings.… Read More
In Other News
Iran Agrees to Nuclear Talks, Bombings
Lieberman Won’t Let Defeat Stop His Mission of Groveling Before Republicans
Supreme Court Okays Gay Marriage, Eating Babies
Oil Prices Drop, Cost of Barrels Skyrockets… Read More
Wal-Mart Enters into Heroin Retail Market
Wal-Mart today announced its plans to begin selling heroin in its 1,146 Wal-Mart stores, 2,098 Supercenters, 567 SAM’S CLUBS and 107 Neighborhood Markets in the United States.
“Wal-Mart sells a lot of shit, you know? Well, why not heroin? That … Read More
Words From The Top
47 Things Every Freshman Should Know
- Being ten minutes late for class is no problem; we call it “Berkeley time.”
- Your Cal ID card can be used for one free rental at Blockbuster.
- You can always ask for a take-home final exam instead of an in-class
Top Five Signs Your STD is Stronger than You
- <u>It</u> has herpes, and <u>it</u> doesn’t whine about it
- Its favorite movie is Fight Club, yours is Mulan
- You die of it
- Smokes Cigarettes, unfiltered
- Frequents the 24 Hr. Fitness located somewhere near your butt-hole
Top Ten Signs Your Professor is an Illegal Immigrant
- The reader is all Cesar Chavez
- Responds poorly to your racist humor
- Hired him at a home depot parking lot
- Runs across Telegraph with entire family in tow
- Doesn’t have tenure
- Got his PHD in dry walling
- Smiles politely and
Words From the Top
The Greatest Inventor
Get your cocks out now boys, because otherwise you’re going to need to change your underwear upon hearing my amazing, mindblowingly incredible idea.
Alright, you ready? Sex…with the mouth!
Okay, okay, everybody settle down. I mean it, shut up. Take … Read More
Woman Experiences Miracle of Death During Childbirth
Josie Marie Keller, on March 1st, gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Ann Marie Keller. Josie suffered an internal hemorrhage during labor and consequently bled to death. Obstetrician Alyssa Parker said, “It makes this job worthwhile when I can … Read More
Top Ten Things Not to Say Before Making Out
- I interpret drunken making out as an invitation to a long term relationship
- This counts as your turn
- Quick, before my dad stops watching!
- Thank god, I thought I was going to have to throw up in my hands
- Your
