- Foreplay involves complimentary bread
- Tosses your salad with Ranch and croutons
- Wants it 3 times a day
- Breaks up with you by saying, “It’s not you, it’s my high cholesterol”
- Uses a napkin as a Dental Dam
- Gives you hand
Author Archives: The Squelch
Stephen Colbert Ironically Elected Governor of South Carolina
Popular humorist Stephen Colbert, noted for his deadpan impression of a smug, self-aggrandizing right-wing pundit, has been ironically elected Republican Governor of South Carolina after mockingly collecting the 5,000 requisite signatures and facetiously soliciting millions of dollars in campaign contributions … Read More
Words from the Top
We’re Not Very Lucky
Congratulations on obtaining a copy of the Heuristic Squelch. Unfortunately, we regret to inform you that by accepting this issue, you too have fallen under the curse of a mysterious Native American shaman. Sorry, our bad. We’d like to explain … Read More
Local Pot Calls Kettle ‘Black’
In what has been described by local police as a, “racially provoked verbal assault,” a local Pot was accused of calling a nearby Kettle, “black.” A fellow Kettle commented, “I thought we’d come a long way since the days of … Read More
City Council Declares Bum Historic Landmark
Local vagrant Patches Wilkinson was declared a historic landmark by the Berkeley City Council last night. “For the past twenty four years, Mr. Wilkinson has brightened the corner of Dwight and Dana with his presence, and provided much-needed diversity to … Read More
High-Brow Erotic Fanfiction
“The Battle of Man-Asses”
Author: RebCake20
Source: Ken Burns’ “The Civil War”
[The camera pans out from an aged photograph as a sorrowful and rustic violin plays an old Southern requiem. The photo is of two men with scraggly … Read More
New Dinosaur Species Discovered
Paleontologists and researchers recently uncovered hints of a new species of dinosaur. While no concrete evidence of its existence has been found, scientists postulate that the “Clitaurus” evolved millions of years ago, and might still exist on the earth today … Read More
Mel Gibson BBQ’s Thousands of Hebrew Nationals
On Saturday, in an attempt to establish positive ties with the Jewish community, Mel Gibson held a barbeque at his Malibu home.
Leaders of the Jewish Community and Anti-Discrimination groups attended the event in good spirits. “It’s always a good … Read More
Top Ten Homoerotic Bumper Stickers
- Don’t Blame Me – I’m Dying of AIDS
- My Other Car Is a Man’s Ass
- Danger: Wide Loads
- Visualize Whirled Penis
- My kid beat off Your Honor Student
- I don’t like Bush
- Support Your Right To Bears!
- Horn Broken –
Top Ten New, Pleasant Job Titles for Criminal Occupations
- Hooking Technician
- Drug Equestrian
- Surprise Valet
- Existence-ending Options Specialist
- Unexpected Copulation Assistant
- Amateur Locksmith
- Savings Account Adjuster
- Coat Lightener
- Italian-American Stereotype Enforcer
- Unbulletproofer
