- Breathing heavily but you’re the one having a baby
- Asks you to turn your head and hiccup
- Keeps telling you how many merit badges you’re earning
- He’s fondling them with his rectum
- What are the chances the other person in
Author Archives: The Squelch
My Trip To Peir 39
Last weekend my dad came up to visit me from L.A. He brought a new friend with him. Her name was Bubbles. I asked Dad where Mom was. He said, “She’s probably out turning tricks.” I thought that was strange, … Read More
Russo-McD Relations Improve
In a historic agreement reached today, McDonald’s has decided to reveal the ingredients of its secret sauce to the Soviet Union in exchange for secret diagrams of military installations and nuclear silos. Ronald McDonald told reporters that “the Soviets have … Read More
Top Ten Sleaziest Pick Up Lines
- “You know, doggie style isn’t passe
anymore.” - “I’d love to share some of my bodily
fluids with you.” - “I know a charming little motel with a
cheap hourly rate.” - “My friend and I made a bet and I need
to
Top Ten Worst Rejections to a Request for a Date
- “What’s that horrible stench?”
- “That’s it. I’m an atheist.”
- “What did I ever do to you?”
- “Why do you always say such
disgusting things?” - “Oh, great. Now I have to kill myself.”
- “But what about that D-, professor?
- “I’d go
Top Ten Things to do on a Long Airplane Trip
- Convince other passengers that flight crew members are all evil robots
- Offer to pop people’s ears with your tongue
- Scream that you see Rod Serling on the wing
- Complain that there is not enough room on trays to play with
Rick Starr’s Top Five Gigs
- Sang “God Bless America” at Bush’s inauguration
- Headline act at Disoriented Street People Talent Show
- Opened for Pink Floyd at Berlin Wall
- Breakfast Lounge at Sunshine Insane Asylum
- Sang national anthem at 1990 World Series
Top Ten Things Overheard in Faculty Club Lounge
- “What do you mean I can’t cancel class just because the A’s lost?”
- “I’ll assign your book to my class if you give me that jelly donut”
- “I don’t give A’s because that just encourages them to stay.
- “Who finished
Top Five Reasons to Consider Dropping Out of School
- You need a dictionary to comprehend the word “graduation”
- You spend most of class time talking on cellular phone
- You forget exactly which multiple of four years college is supposed to be
- Beer and/or marijuana are staples of diet
- Semester
Top Ten Beginning Philosophy Questions
- Shouldn’t we close physical reality for Martin Luther King, Jrs. birthday?
- Is reincarnated paper more expensive than recycled?
- What are the chances of finding the true meaning of life in a fortune cookie?
- Does physical reality have call waiting?
- Does
