You find yourself in front of a large, ancient castle.Rain pours in sheets all around you, and a flash of lightning reveals a lever that appears to be hooked up to the castle’s door.
pull lever
As the portcullis creaks … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Ahmadinejad Calls for Gay Immigration to Iran
Blasted for his recent assertion that “in Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country,” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attempted to clarify the nature of his comments in a press conference on Tuesday.
“It was a cry for help!” … Read More
Oaks Saved From Themselves
In an emotional and heartfelt conclusion to the months-old controversy, the oak trees surrounding Memorial Stadium were saved from their own self-destructive patterns of behavior Saturday.
“It was a hard time for all of us,” said botanical therapist Jill … Read More
Gypsy Professors
**Economics
**
Professor: Who here can tell me the market value of this broken fiddle?
Student: (raising hand) Three to five baubles, or two and a half to four trinkets, depending on exchange rates.
Professor: Correct, assuming that supply … Read More
Driving School
Taught By a Vietnam Vet
Okay. Driving. Shit. It’s a lot like going native and building a secret jungle base decorated with human skulls: it requires planning and care.
How can I make you kids understand just what driving is like?
[sits in silence … Read More
Letters from the Landlord
August 21, 2007
Dear Tenants,
I hope you have enjoyed your first couple weeks at Parker Street Apartments.
However, we do have just a few reminders and requests:
-In an effort to reduce foot traffic, we are requesting that you … Read More
Welcome to your new home!
Ah yes, Hello Mr. and Mrs. Windham, and welcome to your dream home. What a wonderful surprise visit! We’re just applying the finishing touches, you know, sanding some edges, painting some walls, replacing the roof, all easy stuff… If you … Read More
The Black Death Hits Berkeley
After years of grubbing for funds, UC-Berkeley’s physics department is finally given a grant to build the world’s first functioning time machine. A prototype is built, a list of pre-modern broads to have sex with is written up, and in … Read More
Emo-bot 2000 Meets the Press
On September 25, 2007, Apple’s much-hyped Emo-Bot 2000 was finally unveiled. In an impressive show of artificial intelligence, the robot-computer hybrid was able to conduct its own Q&A session with Wired magazine.
What are Emo-Bot’s mp3 capabilities?
Emo-Bot is capable … Read More
Fuck You, Belgian Exchange Student
If there’s one thing that open-minded and culturally aware people like me can’t stand, it’s Belgians. One of those waffle-munching fuckers was my roommate for a semester while he studied at Berkeley. Using his charmingly broken English and exotic European … Read More
