I’ll bet back in the day people didn’t pose for portraits; everybody just moved slower.
They say that dead men tell no tales, but old men really pick up the slack for them.
I once saw a magazine that said … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Remaining Flower Children to Raise Price of Free Love
During an emergency meeting on Tuesday, the members of the Berkeley chapter of the Sixties Counter-Cultural Preservation Society announced a hike in the price of unrestrained sexual experimentation.
“It’s to be expected, man,” said red-eyed hippie economist Alfred Thundermoth, nodding … Read More
Driving School
Taught By a Vietnam Vet
Okay. Driving. Shit. It’s a lot like going native and building a secret jungle base decorated with human skulls: it requires planning and care.
How can I make you kids understand just what driving is like?
[sits in silence … Read More
Notes for Nerds: How to get a Date
Stop me if you’ve been in a situation like this: you’re out drinking with your bespectacled buddies, and you notice that hottie at the end of the bar making eyes at you. You return her gaze with a cool smile. … Read More
Ahmadinejad Calls for Gay Immigration to Iran
Blasted for his recent assertion that “in Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country,” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attempted to clarify the nature of his comments in a press conference on Tuesday.
“It was a cry for help!” … Read More
Galactic Prank War Escalates
At a press conference yesterday afternoon, the Imperial Military Academy’s Chancellor Valorum revealed that the university had fallen victim to an interschool prank rivaling last year’s Great Helmet Gluing. According to the Chancellor’s press release, the school’s Advanced Blasters and … Read More
Fuck You, Belgian Exchange Student
If there’s one thing that open-minded and culturally aware people like me can’t stand, it’s Belgians. One of those waffle-munching fuckers was my roommate for a semester while he studied at Berkeley. Using his charmingly broken English and exotic European … Read More
The Black Death Hits Berkeley
After years of grubbing for funds, UC-Berkeley’s physics department is finally given a grant to build the world’s first functioning time machine. A prototype is built, a list of pre-modern broads to have sex with is written up, and in … Read More
God vs. a 9-year-old Indonesian kid working in a Nike sweatshop
God is a lot like an invisible friend who happens to be a huge asshole.Whenever you need Him to stop the rampages of a Joseph Stalin or an Idi Amin He’s AWOL, but whenever there are several thousand shit-poor Peruvians … Read More
Chivalry for the Modern Gentleman
Hail and well met, bro! As a young gentleman newly arrived at manhood, thou hast undoubtedly asked thyself, “How may I conduct myself with honor and dignity, all the while consorting with beauteous wenches and smiting mine enemies?” Of course … Read More
