- EuroBerkeley
- Castle Greyskull
- UCB International Airport
- Tunnel connecting Etcheverry and Dwinelle, complete with Disneyland-
esque Peoplemover(tm) - Soda Hall
- Chancellor Tien’s Underground Fortress
- The Peach Pit
- Stairway to Heaven
- Thunderdome
- Virtual Dwinelle
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten New Car Features
- Glovebox full of nougat.
- Built-in food dehydrator.
- New improved louder, yet more annoying alarm.
- Dual Overhead Gams.
- Airbags actually fill with popcorn.
- Trunk fits two comfortably
- Bumpers 10% bumpier
- Braille Speedometer for blind drivers
- Third pedal for that awkward time
Top Ten Reasons We Won the Big Game
- Stanford team was under the false impression that they could drop the game after the final quarter
- Cal team powered by Duracell(tm) batteries, and we all know nothing outlasts the copper top
- Somebody spiked their Gatorade(tm).
- Bark beetles disabled their
Top Ten Outtakes from John Wayne Bobbit Uncut
- “My doctor told me anal sex was the best thing to make it heal fast.”
- “Think of it as Pez(tm) dispenser with a really big head.”
- “Keep looking, it’s got to be in there somewhere.”
- “Get a load of this.”
Top Ten Benefits of AC Transit
- Hookers, firearms, and Dreds – Oh my!
- Graffiti keeps you up to date on local gang activity.
- Transit and transients go hand in hand.
- All the lice (head, pubic, etc.) you can host!
- Correct change gets you a souvenir crack
Top Ten Not-So-Famous Last Words
- “I know this great shortcut right through the Eucalyptus grove, and it’s so pretty at night”
- “It’s more afraid of me than I am of it.”
- “Geez, settle down, are you getting your period or something?”
- “Of course it’s not
SEX: The Heuristic Squelch Interview
Heuristic Squelch: Welcome, Sex. I’m so glad you could take the time out of your busy schedule to talk to us.
Sex: Don’t mention it. I always have time to chat with a loyal follower.
HS: Thanks. So tell me, … Read More
Important Dates in History
Dating was invented accidentally by Ms. Grefrock Harding in the late 16th Century* as she was washing her father’s codpiece. As the jewel- encrusted accessory became more and more polished, Grefrock began to see her reflection. She was shocked. And … Read More
Wet Shins & Other Sins
Confessions of a Piss Champ
When I was a little kid scampering around the house, exhilarating bolts of urine saturating the crotch of my that-much-darker blue jeans, I’d dream of being the first unified world’s title piss champion. Even though my mom tried to get … Read More
Herb Came column
Caught wind that some of you felt the last issue wasn’t “harsh enough.” Kudos to each and every one of you. All too many times my ideas and expressions get quashed because one or two of the editors can’t stomach … Read More
