Understand that a sorority girl is a person, with, like, ya know, feelings. Hath not a Tri-Delt eyes? If you prick her, does she not bleed? If she drinks bad Keystone, does she not spew? Here’s what really happens in … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Stressed?
In the aerospace industry, the measurement of stress is a high priority objective. In light of endless manhours devoted to this research it may seem surprising that there are no effective human stress scales available commercially. But this exciting field … Read More
Editor’s Column
If I was the Sun, I’d look for shade.
If I was a bed, I would stay unmade.
If I was a river, I’d run uphill.
You call me, you know I will.
— Grateful Dead
In case you’re wondering, … Read More
Guide to Berkeley Coffee Houses
Although Seattle is known as the city of java, I found out recently that the Venezuelan Immigration Commission rated Berkeley coffee houses as number one in service, espresso potency, and pseudo-intellectual conversation content. I was proud to take the time … Read More
Boy, Was My Face Red!!
We’ve all had those embarrassing moments that make us want to just curl up and die. The Squelch invited readers to send in stories of their blush- inducing hijinks, and boy were we surprised at the size of the response. … Read More
Top Ten Rejected Cal Construction Projects
- EuroBerkeley
- Castle Greyskull
- UCB International Airport
- Tunnel connecting Etcheverry and Dwinelle, complete with Disneyland-
esque Peoplemover(tm) - Soda Hall
- Chancellor Tien’s Underground Fortress
- The Peach Pit
- Stairway to Heaven
- Thunderdome
- Virtual Dwinelle
Top Ten New Car Features
- Glovebox full of nougat.
- Built-in food dehydrator.
- New improved louder, yet more annoying alarm.
- Dual Overhead Gams.
- Airbags actually fill with popcorn.
- Trunk fits two comfortably
- Bumpers 10% bumpier
- Braille Speedometer for blind drivers
- Third pedal for that awkward time
Top Ten Reasons We Won the Big Game
- Stanford team was under the false impression that they could drop the game after the final quarter
- Cal team powered by Duracell(tm) batteries, and we all know nothing outlasts the copper top
- Somebody spiked their Gatorade(tm).
- Bark beetles disabled their
Top Ten Outtakes from John Wayne Bobbit Uncut
- “My doctor told me anal sex was the best thing to make it heal fast.”
- “Think of it as Pez(tm) dispenser with a really big head.”
- “Keep looking, it’s got to be in there somewhere.”
- “Get a load of this.”
Top Ten Benefits of AC Transit
- Hookers, firearms, and Dreds – Oh my!
- Graffiti keeps you up to date on local gang activity.
- Transit and transients go hand in hand.
- All the lice (head, pubic, etc.) you can host!
- Correct change gets you a souvenir crack
