- Dr. Zaius
- The dead one in my toilet
- Monkey businessmen
- Gieep, the Wonder Twins’ space monkey
- Any monkey in a barrel
- The monkey on my back
- Mickey Dolenz
- Flying Wizard of Oz monkey
- Pygmy monkey
- Howler monkey
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Reasons
- Because she’s the president’s daughter
- I needed the money
- She said she was 15
- The comet was approaching
- I’m your mother
- All my friends did jump off the bridge
- I’m fuckin’ wasted (frat boy only)
- Because it’s there
- It’s the
Top Thirteen Most Disturbing Things Your Professor Could Say
- “Mmmm-bop!”
- “You will now address me as Lord Zoltar.”
- “Office hours will be clothing optional.”
- “There will be no Black Lightening this semester.”
- “Do I look fat.”
- “let’s get ready to rumble.”
- “I believe in teaching openly, so feel free
This Summer’s Top Ten Porno Movies
- Genital Contact
- George of the Jungle and His 12 Inch Penis
- Nothing To Splooge
- Ulee’s Golden Shower
- Pants/Off
- Herpules
- Anaconda
- My Best Friend’s Orgy
- Batman is Bobbin’
- Men in Black Spandex
Top Ten Worst Things About Tabling for the Squelch
- No one takes us seriously.
- Living in constant fear of your soul being damned for eternity.
- Cal-PIRG
- The evil feeling in the pit of your stomach that comes from not defending something by any means necessary.
- Overaggressive falafel vendors.
- Pepper
Top Ten Names for the Next Atomic Element Discovered by Berkeley Scientists
- Oskigen
- Gold
- Hatemanganese
- Potbrownium
- Pepper Spray
- Calcium
- Blue
- Memorialstadium
- Telebearylium
- Unabombium
Top Ten Discoveries Made By the Mars Rover
- Intelligent life once existed in AAA.
- Next time we should probe Uranus.
- Oatmeal is not, in fact, the right thing to do, nor is it a tasty way to do it.
- Barry Kurtz has herpes. Yes, you, Barry.
- A Martian
Top Ten Ways to Piss Off a Telegraph Punk
- Offer him a job.
- Kick his dog in the face again.
- Give him a fat wad of old Mexican pesos.
- Make looking like a freak trendy.
- Rip out the safety pin from his nose and say,”not so safe, was it?”
Top Ten Surprises Chancellor Berdahi Brought From Texas
-
Lunatic with big ears wants to be ASUC President.
-
“Homeless” replaced with “varmints.”
- New ropin’ team.
- Doe lawn now Doe beef ranch.
- New “Crispy Hair Studies” department.
- Sproul preachers make excellent rodeo announcers.
- The Pinto on blocks in front of
Top Ten People You Don’t Want to Wake Up Next To
-
An EECS major (unless you are an EECS major, in which case you shouldn’t be picky)
-
Genghis Kahn
- Mike Tyson
- Your cellmate
- Mr. Blackstone, your third grade teacher
- Jimmy Hotfa
- A praying mantis, because it will bite off your head
