Some of our more astute readers may have noticed that there was no January issue, while some of our more illiterate readers may have been frightened by the use of “astute” and are now crying and looking for an adult. … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Coach Parker’s Halftime Pep Talk
All right you nitwits, get your asses over here and huddle up. I got some things to say. I’ve never seen such a pathetic performance. At this point I’m seriously considering just benching all of you and subbing in your … Read More
Squelch Co. Travel
Bakersfield Mystery Spot
If you’re just drivin’ so fucking fast and you want to RELAX I got the place for you, man. Whether you’re a trucker or just an unemployed former trucker you should come on down to The Bakersfield … Read More
Discount Wisdom
They say Mussolini made the trains run on time, but I’m still not okay with Italians running Amtrak.
Maybe it’s just the beer talking, but a lot of noise is coming from this beer.
Women belong in the kitchen…and the … Read More
Third Grade Science Fair Projects
Research Question
What is a graph?
Hypothesis
It is how numbers are in love.
Prediction
An 8 is a girl 6.
Experiment
Start long division homework.
Observations
It is hard!
Testing/Methodology
Go outside.
Results
Fell out of tree and hurt … Read More
Saw XVI
The Edge Dulls
Scene 1
Frightened Man : [waking up] What … what’s going on? What is this!?
Saw : This is the game.
FM : Where are my glasses, I can’t see!
Saw : These are the rules. In the … Read More
Future Assassins of Barack Obama Turn Out for Obama Campaign
With his momentum skyrocketing and the March 4th primaries on the horizon, deranged white males eager to have a crack at America’s first black president have thrown their support behind Barack Obama. Speaking from a hand-built log cabin, bearded group … Read More
First Drafts of Famous Novels
CUjo theBIGASS DOG
By drunk Stephen King
“oh, shIT” thought this fuckin woman as she got into her car. “loook at that fucking dog. i am just goonna lie down”
she lied down in the car because she was tired… Read More
Anderson Cooper Interviews Anderson Cooper
Anderson Cooper : Before we get going, I just gotta say: I am a HUGE fan. Thank you for granting me this interview.
Anderson Cooper : (laughs) Please, the pleasure is all mine. I’ve never met such an attractive reporter.… Read More
Presidential Election Called on Account of Rain
In a move that disappointed hundreds of Major League Politics fans, the Bush administration announced this week that the 2008 election will be canceled due to the fierce downpour that gripped Washington, D.C. last Thursday.
“It’s too bad,” said President … Read More
