In what may prove to be the dumbest thing in history, ASUC President Irami Osei-Frimpong set aside in excess of $43,000 for the Spitfire spoken word tour’s visit to UC Berkeley. Though attendance is predicted at somewhere over four, Berkeley … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Goodbye To Uncle Joe
_The wicked crawl from the wrong side of the cradle; their first words out of the womb are lies. Poison, lethal rattlesnake poison, drips from their forked tongues- Deaf to threats, deaf to charm, decades of wax built up in … Read More
Radar Can Suck My Dick
The theme song from the movie M.A.S.H. is called “Suicide Is Painless.” I don’t know if suicide is actually painless, but I know that graduating is not. Graduation is nine months away for me and I’m already getting nauseous just … Read More
Star Trek Based Masturbation Plagues EECS
EECS Department heads have released statistics exposing a sharp rise in incidents of Star Trek based masturbation among EECS students. Although cases involving Captain Janeway have dropped 15%, cases involving Seven-of-Nine, Lt. Dax and Jean Luc Picard have risen 18%, … Read More
The Devolution of Michael Dukakis
On October 4th 1843, on a foggy morning on New York’s Ellis Island, a family of poor Greek immigrants stepped off a Korean sardine vessel in search of the American Dream. Taking with them what meager possessions they had brought … Read More
Top Fifteen Little Known Poker Variants
- Fuck your Father in the Shower and Have a Snack
- Shit in the Ocean
- Out the Dealer
- Progressive Five Card Draw, Royal Flush or Better
- One Card Stud
- Make your Inside Straight By Any Means Necessary
- The New Guy Gives
Top Ten Withheld Excerpts From Kenneth Starr’s Report
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Kenneth Starr was abused as a child
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Diet Dr. Pepper does taste more like regular Dr. Pepper
- Get high, get stupid, get impeached
- Boris Yeltsin is personally responsible for 5% of the world’s liver transplants
- Alan Greenspan died in 1975
Top Ten Things Learned While Pledging
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They only serve steak and ribs the first week
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The proctologist at the ER is a lot more understanding than one might think
- If it wasn’t for date rape you’d never get laid
- You get used to the smell
- Nat
Top Ten Reasons We Think We Beat Nebraska
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We have electricity
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They slept with our cheerleaders
- We slept with their cheerleaders
- We didn’t tear down our own goal posts
- BEAR-SNAK
- Cal Band Great!
- We won in spirit by being more ethnically diverse
- Bras are constraining and I hate
Top Ten Causes the ASUC Will Donate $1,000 to Instead of Yolanda Manuel
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Russia
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The Preston Taylor Penis Enlargement Fund
- 1/25 of the $25,000 Pyramid
- Jews for Muhammad
- Dinner for two at Chez Panisse
- Your mom 500 times
- Campus Crusade for the Antichrist
- Window tinting
- Space Toilet development
- NAMBLA
