My last semester at Cal roughly resembles an Isaac Asimov short story in which an intrepid interstellar explorer lands on a mysterious and seemingly deserted ice planet, only to discover that the University of California at Berkeley has expelled him … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Cosmo-Whore’s Whor-o-Scopes
Aries (3/21-4/20)
Single? Cautious Saturn says that your landlord is likely to finally call the police on you, so now might be a good time to steal all the copper wire and flee the county.
Hooking? _ _Remember to … Read More
Jesus Not Ready For Committed Relationship with Area Woman
Local woman Ellen Perry found her religious life shattered last Saturday after it was revealed to her by Jesus Christ that the personal relationship she had developed with Him was shared with almost 1.5 billion other people. Initially, Ms. Perry … Read More
John Barrow, Industrial Spy
The call from HQ came in about 3 AM, activating my special communicator. “The tech boys sure are weird,” I thought to myself. “It doesn’t look like a blackberry at all.” My mission was deceptively simple: PrintCo had blueprints of … Read More
Guide to Theme Bars
Past Imperfect
Desired clientele: English teachers
Undesired clientele: The passive voice
Décor: Flowery, yet subtly evocative of customers’ inner thoughts
On the TV behind the counter: _Masterpiece Theater
_
Signature cocktail: The Dylan Tonic
Stalag 17
Desired clientele: WWII … Read More
In-N-Out’s Secret Secret Menu
Many know about In’n’Out’s “Secret Menu,” which includes popular but not officially announced delicacies such as Protein Burgers and Animal Style fries. But only a select few members of a highly selective selection committee know about In’N’Out’s Secret Secret Menu. … Read More
Tree Huggers Don’t Bag It, Millions Perish
According to a joint statement issued by the USDA Forest Service and the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, a new virus called Sudden Oak Death is on the rise in the human community. The disease, originating from Western Oak … Read More
80s Retro Fans Funnel Arms to Al-Qaeda
Like many young people these days, John Farndale, 16, loves the culture of the 1980s. But he and his friends have found a new way to express their nostalgia: selling weapons to violent, fundamentalist Islamic militias. “The ‘80s were just … Read More
Anderson Cooper Interviews Anderson Cooper
Anderson Cooper : Before we get going, I just gotta say: I am a HUGE fan. Thank you for granting me this interview.
Anderson Cooper : (laughs) Please, the pleasure is all mine. I’ve never met such an attractive reporter.… Read More
Coach Parker’s Halftime Pep Talk
All right you nitwits, get your asses over here and huddle up. I got some things to say. I’ve never seen such a pathetic performance. At this point I’m seriously considering just benching all of you and subbing in your … Read More
