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Mangled tricycle and small child
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Washington Monument
- Kevin Bacon!
- Brick wall
- Totem pole
- Jesse Helms
- Rocket launcher
- Neon middle finger
- A beard
- Bambi
Author Archives: The Squelch
Everything Just Fine
The United States Congress has passed the “Everything is Just Fine” act, declaring that everything is “just fine.” This “just fineness” of everything is the first to occur in over 5000 years, when man’s earliest historical records first reported trouble … Read More
Tele-BEARS
A Love Story
I am in love with the Telebears lady. For four years now, I have enjoyed the alluring sound of her throaty yet delicate voice. It taunts me like a two year old child with an ice cream cone. My love … Read More
Ask Optimus
Q: I’ve started a small Autobot militant group, but I’m having trouble getting them to attack. What should I say to motivate them?
–Heather Bergman
A: Autobots, transform!…And roll out!
Q: My family and I are proud Autobots, but my … Read More
Letters to the Editors
A Squelch Misconception
Dear Editor,
The Heuristic Squelch is a hateful, misogynist, and generally extremist publication. I hate you. Please except this firebomb on behalf of Cal Students Against Hate, Misogyny, and Extremism.
Dear CSAHME,
This is absolute bullshit of the worst sort. … Read More
Student Attacked By Mob
Sophomore student Pike LaPike was attacked early Thursday evening on the corner of Bancroft and Piedmont. The attackers, a huge mob of students, are currently being detained for questioning. The Squelch spoke to one assailant, who said he was merely … Read More
Street Punk found living in Campanile Basement
University police are holding fourteen gutter punks for trespassing after the youth were discovered living in the basement of the Campanile. Anthropology professor Kent Kerbeck found the inebriated band after descending into the basement to look for records of comparative … Read More
Ignorance is Strength
In yet another shining example of American Newspeak, major clothing corporations have unveiled a human rights oriented plan to label new clothes “No Sweat,” in effect saying that sweatshop employed pre-pubescents will be given antiperspirant and towels. This follows in … Read More
Top Ten Alternative Birth Control Methods
- Non-alcoholic beer
- Smoothie with a free nonoxynol-9 supplement
- Not having sex
- Mountain Dew
- Yoshua sandwiched between you and your partner
- I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Diaphragm!
- Melted Mentos molded into a cervical plug
- Ninja Death Cage
- Cement
- Stop, drop,
Top Ten TV Shows About Pigs
- Cops
- Dawson’s Corkscrewed Cock
- The Pig is Right
- Win Ben Swine’s Money
- Ally McSqueal
- Pigs Say the Darnedest Things
- Swinefeld
- When Pigs Attack
- The Snouter Limits
- Hoof’s the Boss?
