A UC Berkeley student was “probably assaulted” last week while walking home to his or her Southside residence, Berkeley police told reporters today. Officers said the victim most likely described the suspect in a vague and unhelpful way, and stated … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Mad Scientist Emerges from Laboratory with New Wheel Design
Doctor Klaus “White Knuckles” Dusseldorf shocked the world Monday when he emerged from his lab deep in the Swiss Alps with a potentially groundbreaking discovery: he claims to have re-invented the wheel. Looking haggard but confident outside of his laboratory, … Read More
Top Ten Things With Which to Poke Out Your Eye
- An eye-poker-outer
- The concept of poking out your eye
- Malaise
- Mrs. Roper
- Your other eye
- Contact lens
- Heimlich maneuver by Mr. T
- Circle jerk gone horribly awry
- Lauren Bausch’s breasts
- Red Rider BB gun
Top Ten Children’s Toys Based On Diseases
- Poliokemon
- Hungry Hungry Flesh-Eating Bacteria
- Erectile Dysfunction
- Leprosy Logs
- Plague Doh
- Voltronorrhea
- My Buddy Who Has Sickle-Cell
- Tickle Me Mono
- G.I. Genital Herpes
- Cancer Patch Kids
Top Ten Things to Do During Your Death Plunge from Evans
- Put a tennis ball in your ass to confuse the coroner
- Catch a Frisbee
- Enjoy tasty beverage
- Get some
- Hock loogie
- Wildly overestimate air resistance
- Minor in Econ
- Comment on poor Evans architecture
- Secure your Batarang, descend safely
- Turn in
My Penis is Comparable to Big Thunder Mountain
Warning: Big Thunder Mountain is a turbulent train ride through the old west. It is not recommended for people with back problem, heart disease, or pregnant women. You may get wet.
Reading the title of this article you may be … Read More
Y Peter Kang
Too much man for Mondays
Y. Peter,
(Can I call you Y. Peter?) I’ve been waiting a long time to open up about these feelings I’m having. Now is the time for me to declare my undying love for you. Y. Peter, I love you, … Read More
Mourning Families Comforted by Prying Media
Families of the numerous victims killed in a recent horrible tragedy were relieved this week to find that the media would not be ignoring their plight. Rather, a series of close-up photos of crying relatives, as well as frequent taking … Read More
Top Ten Uses For A Vacuum
- Spay dog (you can suck the uterus right out of there)
- Turn innie into outie (for a brief period of time)
- In-home angioplasties
- Climb up side of building (requires two vacuums)
- Save money on shampoo
- Give self hickey; watch popularity
Top Ten Breakfast Cereal Killers
- Cocoa Puff Daddy
- Vons Value Brand Night Stalker Cereal
- Honey Tomb
- Apple Jack the Ripper
- Jeffrey Dahmer’s Frosted Flakes of Human Skin
- Grape Psychos
- Cunanan Toast Crunch
- Rice Kaczinskys
- Honey Bundys of Oats
- Cheeri-OJs
