A UC Berkeley student was “probably assaulted” last week while walking home to his or her Southside residence, Berkeley police told reporters today. Officers said the victim most likely described the suspect in a vague and unhelpful way, and stated … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Mad Scientist Emerges from Laboratory with New Wheel Design
Doctor Klaus “White Knuckles” Dusseldorf shocked the world Monday when he emerged from his lab deep in the Swiss Alps with a potentially groundbreaking discovery: he claims to have re-invented the wheel. Looking haggard but confident outside of his laboratory, … Read More
Top Ten Things to Do During Your Death Plunge from Evans
- Put a tennis ball in your ass to confuse the coroner
- Catch a Frisbee
- Enjoy tasty beverage
- Get some
- Hock loogie
- Wildly overestimate air resistance
- Minor in Econ
- Comment on poor Evans architecture
- Secure your Batarang, descend safely
- Turn in
Top Ten Children’s Toys Based On Diseases
- Poliokemon
- Hungry Hungry Flesh-Eating Bacteria
- Erectile Dysfunction
- Leprosy Logs
- Plague Doh
- Voltronorrhea
- My Buddy Who Has Sickle-Cell
- Tickle Me Mono
- G.I. Genital Herpes
- Cancer Patch Kids
Top Ten Things With Which to Poke Out Your Eye
- An eye-poker-outer
- The concept of poking out your eye
- Malaise
- Mrs. Roper
- Your other eye
- Contact lens
- Heimlich maneuver by Mr. T
- Circle jerk gone horribly awry
- Lauren Bausch’s breasts
- Red Rider BB gun
Top Ten Arm Wrestling Movies
- Over the Top
Top Ten Ways For the ASUC to Improve Its Image
- Cyborgs!
- Return the Lindbergh baby
- Airlift supplies to Berlin
- More school dances that remind us of our awkward teenage years
- Take down the Confederate flag from atop Eshleman Hall
- Give students excursion passes to the Land of Chocolate
- Send a
Top Ten Breakfast Cereal Killers
- Cocoa Puff Daddy
- Vons Value Brand Night Stalker Cereal
- Honey Tomb
- Apple Jack the Ripper
- Jeffrey Dahmer’s Frosted Flakes of Human Skin
- Grape Psychos
- Cunanan Toast Crunch
- Rice Kaczinskys
- Honey Bundys of Oats
- Cheeri-Ojs
Top Ten Songs About Legislation
- Play That Funky Music Al Gore
- Johnny B. Partisan
- Smells Like The Contract With America
- I Just Called To Say I.O.U.
- Majority Whip It
- One Hand In My Pocket Veto
- Chapel of Love, Where Love Is Defined Explicitly as Being
Top Five Travis Tritt Songs for The New Millenium
- Use 1 -800-COLLECT And Save A Buck Or Two On All Your Calls To Someone Who Cares
- Here’s Two Quarters, Call Someone Who Cares
- If You Keep It Brief, You Can Just Use My Cell Phone
- I Don’t Especially Care