62-year old “Heartbreaker” Gram Robertson, who provides backup vocals, harmonica and guitar for Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, recently acquired a pacemaker after doctors deemed his aged heart unfit to run itself. Ironically, Robertson is known as having a keen … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Powerpoint Lecture Self-destructs
Economics Professor Clair Brown showed up to class yesterday with the hopes of helping college students learn the fundamentals of the effects of foreign trade on GDP. The presentation supposedly included 35 slides ranging from graphs and charts to bullet … Read More
Top Ten Lies Parents Tell
- All the cool kids shop at T.J. Maxx
- There’s plenty of oxygen in the trunk
- Officer, he fell down the stairs
- This is the only way to take your temperature
- We love both of you equally
- It’s not your fault
Top Ten Traditional Palestinian-Israeli Games
- Trivial Pursuit of Peace
- Tetherisraeli
- RISK
- Hide and Go Sheik
- Gaza strip poker
- Skipping rocks off Israeli police officers
- Capture the flag and then burn it
- Hopscotch over your bleeding classmates
- Arafat-Barak 1-On-1 Half Court Challenge
- Paper, rock, tank
Top Ten Post-Modern Tricks To Teach Your Dog
- Teaching a modernist dog new tricks
- Eating the bits, but none of the kibbles
- Playing alive
- Catching frisbees while making self-referential wisecracks about how cliche it is to catch frisbees
- Delivering monologues directly to the camera
- Letting its own tail
Top Ten Things To Do After Receiving 30 Years To Life
- Scare people straight
- Frown
- Stand on the edge of very high objects and yell “I didn’t kill my wife”
- Either get busy livin’, or get busy dyin’
- Appeal
- Behave, get paroled, and then kill again to make up for 25
Cookie Crisp Burglary Ends In Tragedy
Would-be shoplifter Cornelius McCrookins was shot and killed yesterday in a botched attempt to steal a box of Cookie Crisp cereal.
McCrookins had grabbed the cereal and bolted for the door, apparently underestimating the reaction time of the Cookie Cop … Read More
Pan Appeals To Campus Leftists
A recent forum on condemned death row inmate Mumia Abu-Jamal was rocked by the surprise appearance by the boy who refused to grow up, Peter Pan. Pan stood up at the meeting and implored Mumia supporters to drown out the … Read More
The Duck Hunt Conundrum
Optical Reflection/Refraction
In an effort to restore peace and stop world hunger, Squelch researchers have rigorously tested the original Nintendo Duck Hunt Gun. We hope our research will give us a better understanding of its mystical powers. To those unfamiliar with the … Read More
Och, Me Head!
Ye’d ne’er believe how very mooch it hurts te slam yer delicate doock head inte a solid sea o’ gold coins. More’n a wee bit, Ah kin tell ye that mooch. Ah’m in an ache from spatz te noggin. Moother … Read More
