A large group of organized protestors who had blocked access to a major campus building yesterday found themselves all but ignored by friendly UC police officers. The protest continued well into the night, until protestors got kind of bored, decided … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
“Productive” Weekend Actually Weekend of Video Games, Porn
Despite a repeatedly stated intention to use the upcoming weekend to “catch up on reading and finally clean up around the apartment,” Berkeley student Edward Linney in fact spent the majority of the weekend playing Tokyo Extreme Racer on his … Read More
Words from the Top
Oh, All Right … Sing It
Summer approaches, and with it, the end of yet another semester. Some may graduate, some may travel, some may seize the break in classes as the perfect time to give up and drop out. More than any other, this is … Read More
The Super Kmart Diaries
24 Hours of Blue Light Agony
Four Squelch editors and one webmaster set out to test their mental stamina over a 24-hour period under severe unlivable conditions. Those conditions were provided by a Super Kmart, a modern wonder of capitalist endeavor, a superstore the size of … Read More
“High Quality” Apparently Means “For Fucking Ever to Dry Taking”
Flummoxed laundromat patron Wilson Davis has observed that when a designer label boasts its socks as being “High-Quality,” what they really mean is “These Socks Will Take For Fucking Ever To Dry.”
“Look at these,” extolled Davis as he held … Read More
Telemarketer Disturbed by Strange Acronyms
A prospective customer thoroughly disturbed telemarketer Lester Martin of Discover Credit Cards with his unsettling acronyms. Lester, who cordially greeted the customer, made friendly banter and eventually convinced the man to apply for a Platinum Discover card with complimentary T-shirt.… Read More
Top Ten Ways to Discourage People from Walking in Late to Lecture
- Tiger pit just inside door
- Inflict a storm of sour vitriol on each individual person who comes in late rather than wait until about forty minutes into the lecture, when everone who’s going to come in late has already come
Top Ten New Ethnic Clubs on Campus
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Invade me, I’m French
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Frisk my anal cavity for drugs, I’m Colombian
- Devalue my currency, I’m Japanese
- Kindly remove the war hammer I’ve embedded in your spine, I’m Mongolian
- Give me your fucking land, I’m American
- Help me to clean
Whiteout in Wyoming
Monday, February 21st
I flew separately from the family on our vacation to Jackson Hole. On the plane, I am stuck between Babushka one and Babushka two, who seem to be doing crosswords in Russian. I flip through the Skymall … Read More
What am I going to do with myself?
Frank was a 22 year old recent Cal graduate, and he didn’t know what he was going to do with himself. The summer after graduation had struck him like a thunderbolt, and when he regained rational thought he noticed it … Read More
