I, along with many others, engaged in sexual intercourse with your mom last night, it was reported today. The reasons behind the incident last night remain unconfirmed, however most experts have attributed it to the fact that your mom is … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
He Won’t Invite You to Sleep Over?
5 NEW Reasons Why!
Many women have the problem of not feeling comfortable demanding the things they want. And while subtly hinting at things in a roundabout fashion can offer numerous opportunities to plunge into inexplicable fits of rage or depression when unstated demands … Read More
Donuts are Better than Shoes
Ladies, I know how it is. You pass by a shoe store, you start brimming with glee, and you just have to get in there and shop, shop, shop. I know this, because I’m the same way. Being a man, … Read More
Artificial Conversations
Chatbot: The Squelch interview
We caught up with Chatbot on the promotional website for A.I.: Artificial Intelligence. Polite and stylish, Chatbot proved to be a real people person.
Chatbot: Hello, my name is Chatbot. What’s your name?
The Heuristic Squelch:… Read More
Kelloggs Continues Apple Jacks Tradition
Inspired by the success of its nonsensical “It doesn?t taste like apples” Apple Jacks ad campaign, the Kelloggs Marketing Division has announced the release of a brand new cereal which will be pushed by a similar campaign. The new cereal … Read More
Conversation with Homeless Guy Mildly Unsettling
College students Chuck Chichester and Delilah Wright glanced uneasily at each other Friday as their attempt to engage a homeless man in a friendly verbal exchange developed into a full-blown social interaction which threatened to spiral totally out of their … Read More
Memoirs of a Do-It-Yourself Astronaut
Once, when I was wee, Dad took me to the Museum of Science and Industry. The M of S & I, if you have never had the pleasure, is an institution rich not so much in tradition and wide-eyed wonder … Read More
Top Ten Entries That Didn’t Make the Other Lists in this Issue
- The non-sequitur
- Princess Diana golden telephoto lens
- This one
- Recently invested in eToaster
- Not a damn word, just let him dry hump your leg one last time, you heartless wretch.
- Phantom of the Operadish
- When supervisor walks in throw cheese
Top Ten Things to Do with 50 Corpses
- Toss in junk drawer
- Take seven and form your own damn octet
- Drop out windows
- Have join Sigma Phi Epsilon to emphasize how dead the house is
- Enroll in hard classes to lower the mean
- Line them up, then knock
Top Ten Pointlessly Exotic Sexual Practices
- Oral Fisting
- 96
- PhoneFeltching
- Sex with Tom
- Auto-Erotic Tea-bagging
- Nasalingus
- Menage ‘e un
- BDSMQWXCTF
- French Hugging
- Yoga
