Once, when I was wee, Dad took me to the Museum of Science and Industry. The M of S & I, if you have never had the pleasure, is an institution rich not so much in tradition and wide-eyed wonder … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Reasons Your Head Is Going to Explode
- Head implosion is so 1998
- You’re in space, and although you do have your helmet, it’s useless because you are six years old and made it yourself out of cardboard
- You filled your head with popcorn kernels and then heated
Top Ten Ways to Put On Your Pants
-
With robotic assistance because you’re late for work and also George Jetson
-
Twice, because you’re a horse
- In your imagination, while wishing someone hadn’t stolen your pants
- With the pockets pulled out, because all the kids in the future wear
Top Ten Pornographic Summer Movies
- America’s Cocksucking Sweethearts, John Cusack and Julia Roberts and Especially Billy Crystal
- The Score
- Twat Race
- Shrek Fucks a Donkey
- Muff Hour 2
- The Princess Red Shoe Diaries
- Ass-End The Furious
- Barely Legally Blonde
- Anal Fantasy: The Penis Within
- Pearl
Top Five Reasons Not to Join a Fraternity
- The episode of “Small Wonder” where Jamie wants to join a fraternity but changes his mind after he slips Vicki a roofie but gets his dick tazered when he tries to do her
- The episode of “Happy Days” where Richie
Top Ten Worst Times to Tackle Someone
- When he’s covered in twelve-inch stainless steel spikes
- When he’s a bear
- When the contractions are thirty seconds apart
- During a duel
- As he’s pulling out
- While he’s laying down a big steamy loaf
- When he’s about to score a
Top Three Benefits of Being Black in the United States in 1800
-
Always get 2/5 more pie
-
Cash in on “5 for the price of 3” specials at amusement parks
- Always get 40% discount on movie tickets
Top Ten Ways to Act Like You’re Working in a Pizza Factory
- Keep one Netscape browser window open to Pizza.org while writing personal emails
- Lie down in giant vat of pizza sauce and make pizza angels
- Order pizza!
- Repeat in loud voice, “I sure am making a lot of pizzas!”
- Ride around
Top Ten Vegetarian Musicals
- Rentcumber
- Jesus Christ Did You Try the Vegetable Dip?
- A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, to Buy Cabbage
- The Sound of Mueslix
- Banannie Get Your Gun
- Oliver! Oil
- Bring in the Soy, Bring in the Funk
Top Ten Formulaic Top Ten Entries
- The one about Hoku Jeffrey/Lauren Bausch
- The really long, rambling one
- The one that references an earlier entry
- The one that’s not a joke
- The timely reference to campus news
- The shamelessly unfunny coding/physics joke
- The self-deprecating one
- The one
