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Everything no longer different now
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Kabul-3’s new armored buildings retract underground when attacked
- New spring break destination
- Deposed President gets un-hanged
- Women still treated like idiots, but get to wear tank tops
- Bin Laden posters half-price
- Upswing in Nancy Drew
Tag Archives: top ten
Top Five Wartime Pick-Up Lines
- “It’s time to rebuild America … by fucking.”
- “Are you from Talibanisee? Because you’re the only Taliban-I-see.”
- “You’re either sleeping with me or you’re with the terrorists.”
- “Aren’t you glad that was only a roofie I put in your drink?
Top Ten Alternate Names for Urinal Splashback
- Freaking Miracle (if you’re a girl)
- Urinal Cake’s Sweet Revenge
- More Successful Than Usual
- Porcelain Wrath
- Conservation of Momentum
- Handwashing Justifier
- Priest’s Blessing
- Acid Rain
- Blowback
- Sierra Mist
Top Ten Ways to Feel Insignificant
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Be a daughter born in China
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Turn self into pixel
- Appear on cover of Asianweek
- Ask out and be rejected by Anne Cooper, this girl in my co-op
- Give the best speech of your life; realize you’re mute
- Realize you
Top Ten Emergencies at the Elementary School Health Office
- Poorly funded school system
- A really painful splinter under the thumbnail that no one can help you with because there’s not even really a nurse working in the so-called “health office,” and everyone’s too frightened of lawsuits to pick up
Top Ten Ways to Annoy People in an Elevator
- Explain that if your randomly-chosen floor matches the floor chosen by your potential lover in the other elevator, you were meant to be together
- Take elevator from first to second floor, you lazy, non-stair-walking ASUC fuck
- Press every button, get
Top Ten Signs You’re in the Wrong Neighborhood
- You’re smiling all the time in
Frownytown - You’re in Tomorrowland, but you were looking for Superman: The Ride
- You have a star on your sleeve, but everyone else has no star
- You’re a Who, and you ended up in
Top Ten Alternative Names for Military Campaign
- Operation Let’s Not Hit Another Goddamn Embassy
- Operation I Slam, You Slam, We All Slam Islam
- Great American Smoke-Out
- Fruit Bars & Cluster Bombs
- Operation Noble But Conflicted Eagle
- Operation Towel Whip
- Operation Last Crusade
- Iran’s Warning Shot
- Smackdown!
- Muslim
Top Ten Contingency Plans for a Magic Trick Gone Awry
- Explain that she won’t levitate because she’s heavy with sin.
- Accuse lovely assistant of sabotage
- Magically, the rings are attached and won’t ever come apart!”
- “Okay, you do it!”
- “And now I shall make an ambulance appear.”
- Just say, “Did
Top Ten Ways To Get Red Wine Out Of The Carpet
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Club soda
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Call Bizarro Jesus to turn red wine back into water
- Spill red wine on rest of carpet to create a dalmation pattern
- The Bissel Steam Vac, the only vacuum that heats tap water up to 25 degrees
