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Tag Archives: top ten
Top Ten Farewell Gifts for Tom Holmoe
- Amnesia
- Undying hate of Cal football fans
- The last five years of his life back
- 30-second video of team highlights (1997-2001)
- A bunch of sorority girls to say “Oh, but you’re such a nice guy.”
- Touchdown-throwing mule
- Jar to hold
Top Ten Ways to Organize a Group Hug
- Misinterpret the huddle
- Poison people, tell them only antidote is hugging
- Spend $300,000 on One Campus initiative
- Alphabetically
- Join a sorority
- eVite
- Flail arms on crowded BART train
- Cast Robin Williams
- Get drunk and break down in front of your
Top Ten Ways to Avoid Getting Flyered on Sproul
- Matrix-style slo-mo moves around flyers
- Light self on fire
- Pretend you’re blind
- Be non-Asian / non-Greek material
- Say “No thanks.”
- Walk on your hands
- Hold grenade in one hand, a bomb in other, and say “Sorry, my hands are full.”
Top Five Wartime Pick-Up Lines
- “It’s time to rebuild America … by fucking.”
- “Are you from Talibanisee? Because you’re the only Taliban-I-see.”
- “You’re either sleeping with me or you’re with the terrorists.”
- “Aren’t you glad that was only a roofie I put in your drink?
Top Ten Worst Things to Hear During Sex
- “Yeah, this is pretty good. I guess.”
- “Perforated condoms really let my dick breathe.”
- “Not only am I underage, I’m also a cop.”
- “It’s okay, I can’t get pregnant; I’m a man.”
- “They’re both stuck.”
- “It’s stuck.”
- “This is a
Top Ten Wild Animals
-
Spring Break Stegosaur
-
Rabid Christmas Puppy
- Hoopla-potamus
- Safari Hamster
- Gay Bunny
- Kamikaze Calimari
- Free-Range Chicken
- Wilde-B33$t
- Buckaroo Duck
- Cowboy Bear
Top Ten Changes in Post-Taliban Kabul
-
Everything no longer different now
-
Kabul-3’s new armored buildings retract underground when attacked
- New spring break destination
- Deposed President gets un-hanged
- Women still treated like idiots, but get to wear tank tops
- Bin Laden posters half-price
- Upswing in Nancy Drew
Top Ten Signs You Might Be Psychic
- When you were five you said “Someday I’ll go to Berkeley and live in a shithole apartment.”
- You could win the lottery if you wanted to
- Is this your card?
- You’re homeless and need change
- You knew Original Sin was
Top Ten Things You Would Do If You Ran the Zoo
- Ten lucky kids bring home a zebra stripe
- Cradle your torn-off arm in your remaining arm
- Cradle baby tigers in your arms
- Increase flamingo availability for use as croquet mallets
- Bleach everything, call it albino
- Many boring small cages become
