- “I’m gonna make sure that your bat mitzvah is one to remember.”
- “Do you like bondage? By the way, I’m a rabbi.”
- “I like my pussy like I like my matzo: free of yeast.”
- “I’d take you to Palestine for
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- You just killed the Yearling; didn’t want to dig two holes
- For your sins
- To prevent a sequel
- Sudden appearance of New Yeller
- Knew too much
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- Extremely mild leukemia
- Spooning a bear
- Dehydration from relentless oral sex
- Metaphorically
- Being shot in a Brookstone massage chair
- Eaten by toothless dinosaur
- Choking on feathers
- A car accident, while reclining and drinking a non-poisonous beer
- Drinking a poisonous beer
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- “My daddy left home when I was three / He came back home later that day, but still”
- “Because you’re mine / I walk across the street when instructed by the sign”
- “Daddy sang bass / Other daddy sang tenor”
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- African American Studies 11/Latin American Studies 9 (cross-listed): Why You’re Too Lazy to Steal
- Comparative Literature 2: Chaucer’s Revenge
- Physics 142C: The Physics of Cum Trajectory
- Landscape Architecture 39H: You Don’t Have to Take My Word for It, You KNOW
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- Sambi
- Aladdin Jones
- Finding Nee-fro
- The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh and This Huge Black Guy Who Hates White People
- Snow Honkey and the Seven Jive Turkeys
- The Foxy Bitch and the Hound
- Black Beauty and the Beast
- The
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- The Magic of Reading
- Contracting HIV but maintaining a high T-cell count
- Removing grape juice from a carpet with Oxy-Clean
- Turning a half-full glass of water into a half-empty glass of water
- Levitating a Hovercraft
- Reading your own mind
- Unzipping
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- Peter, Paul, and Mary (the Ones from the Bible)
- The Chemical-free Brothers
- Guns N’ Moses
- Nirvana…Does Not Exist
- Green Day That the Lord Hath Made
- Three Wise Men at Work
- Not-so-bad Religion
- John 3:11
- Burning Bush
- Ozzy Osbourne Again
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- BeTwix’t Her Legs
- 3 Muskydikes
- 5th Avenue…Where Two Women Are Currently Eating Each Other’s Vaginas
- Snickers from Normal People
- Ani DiFranco Acoustic Guitar Symphony Bar
- O Henrietta!
- Skor (with Women)
- Mounds
- Klit Kat
- Butchy Ruth
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- A Brazilian Lacrosse Team Jacks Off on Lyndon LaRouche’s Face
- Moderated Masturdebates: The 90-second Rebuttal
- Cock the Vote
- Teabagging the Carpetbagger: A Night with Alan Keyes
- Big Swinging Caucuses
- Only Bob Dole’s Right Arm Is Limp
- The Erectoral College
- Hung
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